[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]
CACrow [as Hetty/Dr. Strangelove]
Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!
S5The Atomic Brain
[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]
So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again?
Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU!
You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that.
CCrow
Servo, you're gonna die in space.
Crow! He might not.
That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! [gets raised]
[whispering]Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite.
[whispering] I know, just send the poor dope out to space.
Don't die!
Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen] Boy! [audibly shivering throughout forecast] It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold?
CCrow
Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine!
Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay?
Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here!
He's dead meat.
CCrow
Yep.
I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! [Servo suddenly screams loud and long]
Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! [Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]
CCrow
Well, that'll happen.
Servo, are you all right?
Servo, buddy, speak to me!
Well, [coughs] I'm not cold anymore. [coughs]
I better start fixin' you up.
CCrow
Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that?
NO! You can't. You cannot do that.
CCrow
I wanna do that, I'm doing that next.
We'll be right back.
Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha!
S5Outlaw
[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]
CCrow
I hate this movie already.
[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]
CCrow
It's Commissioner Gordon calling!
WWatney
You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
MAMike [as Watney]
You just put your lips together and drink!
[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]
Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]
CCrow
Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
WWatney
Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?
CACrow [as Cabot]
Ssh! I'm acting!
I must go to Koruba!
WWatney
What?
Koruba.
[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]
WWatney
The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.
MCMike, Crow & Servo
[chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
WWatney
Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
[whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
CCrow
They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.
GGuard
Who are you?
My name is Cabot.
GGuard
Cabot?
[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]
P1Peasant #1
Cabot!
P2Peasant #2
Cabot!
P3Peasant #3
Cabot!
P4Peasant #4
Cabot!
P5Peasant #5
Cabot!
Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.
[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]
Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
MAMike [as Cabot]
Uh, starting tomorrow.
[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]
Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!
[to Servo] ...Are you old? How do you know about that?
[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]
What are you talking about?
MAMike [as Jack Palance]
[resignedly] I really don't know.
[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]
She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
CACrow [as Cabot]
Nekkid.
[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]
CCrow
Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
[takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
CCrow
[book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
"Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
"Day Ten: missed call. I think I--" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
[all shudder]
[During the end credits]
Ah, well.
CCrow
Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?
No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Oh! The USA-- [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]
Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]
CCrow
Yeah, that or-- [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."
Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."
CCrow
That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?
How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"
CCrow
I like it!
Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.
Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"
Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
CCrow
I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?
Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."
CCrow
I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got-- Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?
Nice use of Ben Vereen.
I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"
Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."
CCrow
You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but-- Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."
Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"
"Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."
[as they exit the theater] That was good.
[Mike, Crow, and Servo are playing around.]
This is not a gymnasium!
CCrow
Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun!
Yeah, it’s fun until somebody dies!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.