TV show quotes
[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palmero to Italy.]
Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
That's hard to do!
Guests of Final Justice fly TWA.
Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.
[Geronimo has challened a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.]
Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil!
[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]
Cars provided by Matchbox.
Do you know John Wayne?
Gacy, yes!
[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]
The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.
Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
Can I get a balloon?
[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.
[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]
In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times!
[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]
[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.] You son of a-- [Audio edit]!
...what?
Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe?
. . .
You son of a-- [Audio edit]!
Uh... something!
. . .
Get off your knees, you son of a-- [Audio edit]!
Same thing you said!
. . .
I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- [Audio edit]!
I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!
. . .
[Much, much later in the movie...]
Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- [Audio edit]!"
You've got the right to remain silent.
Oh, he is a real cop!
[Knocks the suspect out.] And all that other ****.
...oh.
[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]
Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts!
. . .
[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]
And God sends a door chassis from Heaven.
[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]
Our hero: a big, stinky cheater!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
