[Dennis opens the vault door.]
Burgess Meredith is inside reading.
S9Hobgoblins
[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]
SAServo [as Announcer]
Member, FDI-Murder!
CACrow [as Announcer]
Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! [N]
[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]
Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
These are the beginning credits!
Oh, well, then kill me, please?
A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]
CCrow
It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
[singing] Take on me...
DDaphne
[singing to "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"] Everybody have sex tonight!
Everybody throw up tonight.
CCrow
Ironically, no one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night.
WWatchguard
But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried...
Sentence fragments. Just phrases.
[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]
CCrow
So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
MMike
[singing along to generic '80s synth music]
It's the '80s!
Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]
Ugh! They made love in their Chevy van and that is not alright with me!
[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]
CCrow
So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"?
[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]
CCrow
That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth!
. . .
[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]
The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
CCrow
In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash!
[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]
MAMike [as Kevin]
Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light!
[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]
CCrow
Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope!
[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]
The king of the Wisconsin Dells finally gets a movie.
[Mike and the bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]
MCMike Cutout
This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
SCServo Cutout
It sure is, you know!
CCCrow Cutout
Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
MCMike Cutout
Are you kidding me?
SCServo Cutout
Then let's go!
ASAll [singing]
Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
. . .
MCMike Cutout
Watch out, here comes one now!
CCCrow Cutout
Look out, you little doodad!
SCServo Cutout
Something's sure going to happen!
[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]
MCMike Cutout
Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... [Speech fades out.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.