You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?
Oh?
Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."
S8Space Mutiny
[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]
Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?
[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]
Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!
KKalgan
I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
SAServo [as Kalgan]
You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.
LLea
You bastard!
MAMike [as Lea]
How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!
[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]
CCrow
Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be the future!
[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]
They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.
[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]
CCrow
Slab Bulkhead!
Fridge Largemeat!
Punt Speedchunk!
CCrow
Butch Deadlift!
CCrow
Bold Bigflank!
Splint Chesthair!
Flint Ironstag!
CCrow
Bolt Vanderhuge!
Thick McRunfast!
Blast Hardcheese!
CCrow
Buff Drinklots!
Trunk Slamchest!
CCrow
Fist Rockbone!
Stump Beefknob!
Smash Lampjaw!
CCrow
Punch Rockgroin!
Buck Plankchest!
CCrow
Stump Chunkmen!
Dirk Hardpec!
Rip Steakface!
CCrow
Slate Slabrock!
Crud Bonemeal!
CCrow
Rip Slagcheek!
Punch Sideiron!
Gristle McThornbody!
CCrow
Slate Fistcrunch!
Buff Hardback!
Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Blast Thickneck!
CCrow
Crunch Buttsteak!
Slab Squatthrust!
Lump Beefbroth!
CCrow
Touch Rustrod!
Reef Blastbody!
Big McLargeHuge!
Smoke ManMuscle!
Eat Punchbeef!
Hack Blowfist!
Roll Fizzlebeef!
[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]
Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
CCrow
Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
CCrow
Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Uhhh...
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
CCrow
Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
CCrow
Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
CCrow
Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
You're pathetic.
CCrow
You and your '80s!
Your precious '80s!
CCrow
You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Yeah!
All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]
CCrow
You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
[After a while Mike sits up]
Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
[Pause of a second]
Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
CCrow
No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]
[sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
[sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike!
CCrow
[sobbing] Sorry, Mike!
It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.
[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]
CCrow
Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally!
. . .
Woooo! We got ISO 9001 certified!
. . .
[Ryder leaves to find Lea]
He's gonna have so much sex with your daughter.
[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]
LLea
I'm leaving.
Lea?
MAMike [as Devers]
You wanna get me some coffee?
Lea!
MAMike [as Devers]
Get me some coffee!
[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]
And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!
S8Time Chasers
[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]
SAServo [as dog]
[talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
CCrow
He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
[groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
[still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents--
Okay, stop.
CCrow
Cut it out.
[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]
CCrow
This is like NFL graphics here.
[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]
[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]
NNick
Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
SAServo [as Nick]
A crop-dusting genius!
[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]
CCrow
This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.