[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]
I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.
S8Invasion of the Neptune Men
[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]
CCrow
So whatever happened to Space Chef?
That's "Chief."
CCrow
Chief Chef?
CCrow
Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime!
Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.
Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.
[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]
CCrow
[royally confused] What the...?
They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
CCrow
All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
CCrow
They blew it up!
. . .
CCrow
Say, Mike--was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?
Not, uh...no. No.
CCrow
Sure?
...Yeah.
. . .
[Another spaceship begins to dive]
CCrow
What next? The Mussolini Mall?
Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!
[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]
CCrow
So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering] EAT IT, MOVIE!
CCrow
Whoa! Whoa!
[still ranting] TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR-- [begins sobbing]
[The main hero prances around in a fight with the enemy]
CCrow
They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
. . .
[During the "fight", a senior Neptune Man stares out of the rocket's window as his comrades ineffectually stagger about]
CACrow [as Neptune Man]
...What the hell are they doing out there?!
[Shot of a radar screen, as the scientists count down]
SScientist
Ten, nine, eight...
CCrow
Yeah, yeah, right--one.
SScientist
Seven, six...
CCrow
One!
SScientist
Five, four...
CCrow
ONE!!!
[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]
Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.
[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]
That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!
. . .
CCrow
They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
. . .
[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]
CACrow [as Space Chief]
Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more!
CCrow
To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more!
[The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglas disc.]
CACrow [as commander]
Say, has anyone seen my record?
[The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:]
SAServo [as probe]
Oh, no, you kids again? Is there anyone else on this planet?
S8Space Mutiny
[repeated line]
SServo (as various characters)
Did you sign Sherry's card?
[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]
CCrow
It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."
Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
CCrow
Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.
CCrow
The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!
There's a volume for the letter epsilon.
CCrow
There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
So?
Under construction?!
So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.
[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]
Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.