Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Suppose you drop a cookie on the floor.

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Five second rule?

Things that are dropped, you know, should be washed before eating, but how can you wash a cookie?

That's what spit's for!

Well, he'll just have to throw it out.

And burn the evidence.

Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel.

Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets!

... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly.

[during a shot of five cards on screen] They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV.

... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains.

And ends with malt liquor.

Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains.

I mean, they're fine...

Barley...

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Barely.

Corn...

Which is better on the cob.

Oats...

Worthless without Hall.

Rice...

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The pigeon exploder.

And wheat, or combinations of them.

Call me when you got sorghum.

The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow.

And it's not a conflict of interest at all.

There are many different kinds of wheat...

Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat...

And it is raised in a wide area.

Eat too much wheat, and you'll have a wide area.

Cereals are flaked...

Folded...

Granulated...

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Spindled...

Puffed...

Mutilated...

Shredded...

Humiliated...

And rolled.

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And thrown away!

Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide.

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Government can't tell me not to eat batteries!

Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, Better Breakfasts, USA.

It was immediately canceled.

I'm the manager of the supermarket...

And also the town undertaker.

... and this is my son, Johnny.

It's his birthday, and he gets to spend two hours in the candy aisle.

A supermarket is like many little markets or departments all brought together into one big building. Each department sells a different kind of food.

Putting all the smaller family owned markets out of business, thus ensuring that capitalism continues its nonstop roll toward oblivion.

In this room, packages of meat are made ready for selling. Since food must be kept very clean, the packages are carefully wrapped and labeled. They're covered with cellophane, and then sealed with a hot iron.

And a fresh slice of provolone.

You know, this is how Coldstone Creamery got started. They just reversed the process.

Each package is weighed, and the weight and price are marked on the label.

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[as a butcher writes on a label] "Help, I'm being held captive in Mayfair Market."

Meanwhile, I check on some signs needed for tomorrow's sale.

Have you seen my son?

I tell my sign maker what the sale price will be. The signs will be used in the windows of the market.

I linger a bit longer to take in the smell of benzene.

This is my secretary...

Mom???

Now Johnny, how would you like to open the market? Just push this buzzer...

...and the bees will be released! [evil laugh]

Johnny and his mother have completed and paid for their shopping. Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things go on behind the scenes at a supermarket.

Guys, I cannot wait for the next installment where they get bought out by a Trader Joe's.

Ooooh... pumpkin spice.