Duncan P. Anderson quotes from Monsters at Work

Duncan

Up here, College Boy! Down there, College Boy! Open your eyes, College Boy! Here, College Boy! Over there, College Boy! College Boy! College Boy! College Boy! College Boy! College Boy! College boy!

Val

Hey, everybody, meet the new guy! Tylor Tuskmon.

Tylor

Hi.

Val

We were best buds in college.

Tylor

We just had that one class together.

Val

Yeah, but it was special.

Tylor

We didn't actually speak. Hi, everyone, just to be clear, I was told this was a temporary assignment.

Fritz

Well, we'll see about that, won't we? I'm Fritz. OH, they said they were sending over a new MIFTer.

Tylor

Sorry, what exactly is "MIFT"?

Fritz

What is MIFT?

Cutter

Oh, now you done it. [brings over a chair for Fritz to stand on; Duncan plays dramatic music on his stereo]

Fritz

Since the day Monsters, Inc. was founded, there has been a need. A need for a dedicated team of mechanics to nurture the intricate machinery that is the foundation of this factory. No matter how arduous or difficult the repair might be, MIFT is there to tighten the bolts, unclog the pipes, wrench the nut! We embrace it with, uh... We embrace it with...

Duncan

With unbridled anticipation.

Fritz

There you go! Unbridled participation of what challenge lies ahead. And at the end of the day, we each say, "I'm proud!" [Banana Bread sputters] "I am proud to be a member of the Monsters, Inc. Facilities Team!"

Cutter

For the record, I've never actually said that.

Duncan

Look, I get it. First impressions, everybody seems a little bit crazy, right? Y'know, down here where there's no daylight and the reptitive din of machinery is forever hammering into your brain. But look, the MIFT team, they mean well, alright? You're gonna warm up to'em, I promise.

Tylor

I just don't...

...belong here.

Duncan

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tylor

Yes! Exactly!

Duncan

You and me, we see eye to eyes.

Tylor

It's nice to finally meet somebody who gets it. I'm sorry. I didn't get your name.

Duncan

Oh! Hey, sorry. The name's Duncan.

Tylor

Hi, Duncan.

Duncan

But people around here refer to me as [seriously] "Deputy Supervisor." [closes the door] You know why? Because when Fritz retires or dies, I'm takin' his job. So you can forget about your little College Boy plan...

Tylor

Wait, what?

Duncan

...of waltzing in here and taking what's rightfully mine, you understand?

Tylor

No, there's no...

Duncan

I'm onto your scheme.

Tylor

I have no interest at all in Fritz's job.

Duncan

Oh, so that's how you wanna play the game, is it?

Tylor

No, no, honestly, no games. I'm not playing a game.

Duncan

I'm just a pawn in the way of you becoming king. A little itty-bitty pawn that's gonna get knocked off the board. Ping!

Tylor

What? No, no pawn.

Duncan

Ping!

Tylor

There's no ping! Nothing's pinging!

Duncan

I'm onto you. [flies towards a dark corner of the room] I'm onto you.

Tylor

Okay. So if there's nothing else, I'm gonna...

Duncan

[whispers scarily] Onto you. [Tylor backs up into the door] Yooooooouuuuuu.... [Tylor exits the room]

Tylor

I am so sorry, Mr. Sullivan. Mr. Wazowski. I, uh, appreciate the opportunity that I have completely blown. You'll never see me again.

Sulley

Hold it! You're Tylor Tuskmon, aren't you?

Tylor

Uh, yes. Yes, I am. How did you know?

Sulley

Who do you think recommended you for the job? You graduated top of you class, even broke my record in the simulation room.

Tylor

Ah, yeah. Well... What can I say? I seem to be pretty good at breaking things lately.

Sulley

It's been a rough day for all of us.

Mike

Yep. Everything's changing.

Sulley

Laugh power instead of scare power. Me and Mike in charge. And I guess they're gonna have to change the old MU School of Scaring to the College of Comedy.

Mike

Comedy college... Right! Sulley, you're a genius! And seeing that I am the official SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM, I'm making an executive decision to begin Monster, Inc. Comedy Classes, featuring Professor Me! I'll each all you scary monsters how to be funny.

Tylor

What?

Mike

'Cause I know what it's like once you've stepped across that line. You'd do anything to be on this floor.

Tylor

So I actually have a chance of becoming a Jokester?

Sulley

Mike and I, we worked our way up from the mailroom. So anything's possible.

Tylor

No more scaring. Now it's, uh, laughter you're after.

Mike

Bingo! Our new slogan! "It's Laughter We're After."

Wazowski!

Mike

[looks over at Roz's old counter to a monster, similar to Roz, but with red hair] Roz?

Roze

The name's Roze.

Mike

Wake me up, Sulley. I've having a horrible nightmare. One where you actually smell things.

Roze

They just delivered the new kid's hat and ID.

Sulley

And from now on, call me Sulley.

Mike

And call me Mike.

Val

Whoa, what happened here? Sure know how to make an impression.

Fritz

Where'd you go? I thought you were getting us appreciation donuts.

Duncan

[whispers] Remember, I'm onto you.

Roze

Tylor, welcome to Monsters, Incorporated.

Duncan

"It's laughter we're after?" That's the best College Boy could come up with? No, no, no. I can do better. Okay, okay. How about, "Making kids laugh is the contractual responsibility of our staff"? Ah? [chuckles]

Cutter

I got a better one for ya, four eyes. How about this? "Laughter lights up your life like an oxyacetylene blowtorch with a multi-flame tip." Ow! Thank you. You're welcome.

[singing] Piñata time, piñata time, olé!

Fritz

What happened?

Val

Duncan, what did you do?

Duncan

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't listen to him, okay? He's exaggerating. I didn't try to kill him. The rookie couldn't change a simple valve.

Val

But where did he go?

Duncan

I dunno. He said something about a comedy class. I don't keep the schedule.

Val

Comedy class? He didn't say anything about a comedy class.

Fritz

I don't understand. I tried so hard to make him feel welcome here. I gave him a desk, a nameplate, and look, he never even drank his Drooler Cooler. Sad sigh.

I know I heard something. Sweetheart, you okay?

Duncan

I'm fine. [the parents gasp] Uh, just very sleepy. Thank you, parent. Good night. [blows a kiss]

Her first words!

Wow!

Did you hear that?! Her first words!

And complete sentences, too.

She's gonna be a genius.

Yes!

I gotta call my mother.

We are such great parents. I told you, co-sleeping with her the first year would make her smart. Dad of the year right here.

Val

What did you do to the door?

Tylor

Nothing. I closed it.

Val

You were the last one to touch it.

Tylor

So? This isn't my fault.

Val

Explain why this door deactivated for no reason.

Tylor

You keep distracting me with [mocking Val] "This reminds of this time...", And you remember the time we blah-blah-blah...", And that time we... [speaks gibberish]

Val

This reminds me of that time...

Tylor

There! See? See? How many times do I have to tell you, I. Don't. Remember. Why is it so important to you?

Val

[sighs] Because... Because... When I first got to MU, no one noticed me. And then... one day in class, you spoke to me. [sniffles] You said, "Excuse me. Is this seat taken?"

Cutter

Huh. Door's deactivated. That can't be good. [turns the door back on] You guys know the door got turned off?

Duncan

[gasps] A rescue party! [pushes past Tylor and Val] Outta the way, subordinates. Oh, I just need to breathe some stale air. [inhales deeply]

Duncan

Welcome, Tylor.

Tylor

Hey, Duncan. You know the signs says "secert."

Duncan

[in a deep voice] I'm not Duncan.

Tylor

Well, now you're just doing a voice.

Duncan

[in a high-pitched voice] I'm not Duncan.

Tylor

What are we doing here, buddy?

Duncan

[with a German accent] It's a mystery voice. Ah?

Tylor

Okay, that's fine. Whatever voice.

Needleman

Hey, Duncan. You done with your "secert room"?

Duncan

Secret! SECRET!

Needleman

Come on. We need our trashcan.

Duncan

Turn the light off, you idiots! Ugh! [Needleman turns off the light and runs out with Smitty] Get out! Where were we?

Tylor

Pro bowlers.

Uh... [in an ominous voice] The Overnighters. Yes. The third shift. The kind of monsters that monsters fear. They'll get you your win. And your jokester dream will come true.

Tylor

Great, great. And... but just... Sorry. What do you get out of it?

Duncan

Just want you to sign a little contract. We'll call it a written agreement.

Tylor

That's... literally what a contract is.

Duncan

An agreement that stipulates that you will not in any way hereto now, with, or henceforth forward in perpetuity pursue Fritz's job.

Tylor

Duncan, I told you the day I got...

Duncan

Mystery voice.

Tylor

I do not care about Fritz's job. I don't want the job.

Duncan

But now it's legally binded.

Tylor

Cool. Fine. Just stop with the voice. Whatever. I'll sign it. Just get me the bowlers, okay? [signs Duncan's contract] There!

Duncan

It is DONE!!!

Smitty

You're done?

Duncan

No! I'm not done! You said you wouldn't be back until 5:47! Get out!

Smitty

Oh, but we have Fright Club in here.

Needleman

Don't tell him that! Did you forget the first rule of Fright Club?! [turns off the light and leaves]

Fritz

Okay, everybody, are you ready? 'Cause it's time to play...

Wheel of Temporary Supervisor! [they spin the wheel]

Duncan

Today's my lucky day, Roto. Can you feel it? Can you feel it?! Yes, yes, yes!

Tylor

Wait, why is my name on there?

Cutter

When Fritz goes on vacation, the wheel picks a temporary supervisor.

Duncan

Yeah, but I see the ambition in your eyes, College Boy. You'd just love to have me under your thumb, squishing me with your little temporary supervisor thumb.

Tylor

Thumb? What are you... I've told you, Duncan. I have no interest in Fritz's job, okay?

Duncan

Uh-huh.

Tylor

I signed your ridiculous contract.

Duncan

Right. Like a two-faced charlatan like you would honor a contract.

Tylor

Two-face... What are you talking about?

Val

Come on, come on, come on! Let's go, wheel! Mama needs a temporary promotion!

Duncan

Yes, yes, yes...

Val

Come on, come on, come on!

Duncan

No, no, no, no!

Val

Yes! That's me!

Cutter

Glad it's not me.

Fritz

Congratulations, Temporary Supervisor Val.

Val

Oh, I have so many fun things planned for my employees: Mindfulness Mondays, Tamale Tuesdays, Waffle Wednesdays, Friendly French Fry Fridays.

Cutter

What next, yoga? Uh-uh. Neither me nor my schedule is flexible.

Duncan

Yeah, yeah, let's hear it for Val. So much for my humble dream of being temporary supervisor. [about to throw his nameplate in the trash] I'll just throw away the only thing I've ever wanted in my insignificant life. [he throws his nameplate in the trash but it hits the edge and knocks the can over] Ah, great. I can't even throw away my dreams right.

Tylor

Huh. Kinda goes against my better judgement, but I actually feel a little sorry for him.

Duncan

[on the phone] Yeah. Yeah, Mom, you know how you always told me, "Dreams can come true"? Heh. Yeah, well, uh, I learned today that they can't. No, don't cry. Don't cry, Mom. I tried my best. I did. I did.

Val

Uh, Fritz?

Fritz

Huh? Looks like I made an oopsie. The temporary supervisor is Duncan!

Duncan

Me? Moi? The fates have chosen. Well, uh, Mr. Fritz, sir, there's, of course, no way I can match your robust managerial skills, blah-blah-blah, but I will do my best to make you proud, sir, and, uh, supervise the team.

Val

Tylor! You're not gonna believe this. Power's out all over Monstropolis. A M.E.R.C investigator is on his way. Heads are gonna roll... [notices the mess in the canister room] Whoa. What happened?

Tylor

[in time with Duncan] Duncan did it.

Duncan

[in time with Tylor] College Boy did it.

Tylor

Me?! You're in charge!

Duncan

This is not about me.

Cutter

I say you both did it.

Tylor

What? It was your idea.

Duncan

Yeah. It's your fault.

Cutter

Well, you acted on it.

Duncan

Not about me!

Val

It sounds like you're all accountable.

Duncan

Not about me!

Tylor

So are you! If it wasn't for you, Duncan wouldn't even be supervisor.

Cutter

I'm not losing my pension over this.

Tylor

Well, I'm not losing my shot at the Laugh Floor!

Duncan

Okay, okay, alright. The only way to save our jobs is to hide all the evidence and make sure nobody ever finds out the truth.

Val

I don't know, Duncan. Sounds like you're suggesting a cover-up.

Duncan

No! It's not a cover-up. Just a thing where we all conspire to avoid accountability for our actions.

Cutter

So, a cover-up.

Duncan

No! Why is this concept so difficult to grasp? Not a cover-up.

Argus

As the Facilities Team here at Monsters, Incorporated, all of you are in violation of numerous M.E.R.C. codes, as eye-witnessed by my eyes. And as supervisor, M...

Duncan

"Temporary."

Argus

Temporary supervisor, Mr. Duncan P. Anderson, you are responsible for the actions of your team. You should be fired, or, better yet, banished!

Duncan

Banished? Me?

Tylor

Hey, wait. Come on, it's his first day as supervisor. Give him a break.

Argus

Give him a break? I've been working non-stop as a M.E.R.C. official for 20 years, and no one's ever given me a brea...

Tylor

Is he...? Oh.

Cutter

Oh, well. I'll log him in my accident journal.

Duncan

We gotta get rid of the body.

Tylor

What?!

Duncan

I mean, check his pulse, obviously.

Val

Uh, guys? I am pretty sure disposing of a body may be another banishable offense.

Tylor

That was the only thing we could do, okay? His work-life balance was totally out of whack, alright? Duncan?

Duncan

Right, right. College Boy is right. So, we need to make a pact. None of us will ever speak of this again. We take this to our graves. Nobody saw nothin'.

Tylor

Well...

Duncan

Nobody saw nothin'!

Cutter

Ahem! [points to Argus' sentient eyeballs]

Tylor

[whispers] Shh. We need to close the case.

Argus

That was, without a doubt... [happily] the best vacation of my life! Wow!

Fritz

[comes out the door] I believe it, Argus. 'Cause you really needed to unwind. You're very wound.

Tylor

So, uh, you're doing okay?

Argus

I'm more than okay. Sipping creepy coladas, napping beneath the palms, cha-chaing the night away.

Sulley

Argus? You're still here?

Mike

Yeah, I thought you left two weeks ago.

Argus

Oh, no, no, no. I took a little time off. I have your MIFT crew to thank.

Tylor

You are welcome. And that is the last we will speak of it.

Argus

Well, of course, I will be writing all of you up, but just a warning this time. Goodbye, Mr. Laugh Energy. [leaves]

Sulley

[sighs] That was too close. We were nearly shut down.

Mike

You caused a major power outage, conspired to cover it up, and if that weren't enough, attempted to bribe a M.E.R.C. official.

Sulley

Mike, that was you.

Mike

Stay on point, Sulley, stay on point.

Fritz

Is all this true? Duncan?

Duncan

[sighs in defeat] Yes, sir.

Val

Oh, this is all my fault. I tipped the wheel so that Duncan could be temporary supervisor.

Mike

Well, regardless of how he became temporary supervisor, it all happened on your watch, Duncan.

Sulley

And any of these accusations is grounds for dismissal.

Duncan

Dismissal? Um... Temporary supervisor's, uh... [sniffles] Well, he's gotta go down with his temporary ship... I guess. So, uh, Mr. Sullivan, Mr. Wazowski...

Tylor

I'm sorry, I... I'm the one that caused the outage, okay? Duncan, he was just trying to be a good supervisor. So if anyone deserves to be dismissed, it's me.

Duncan

The truth of it is...

Tylor

Yeah, well...

Duncan

No, no, no. The power outage and, you know, all the other stuff, that was my fault, too. Though I am significantly less at fault than him.

Fritz

Hmm. I am so proud of you two. Not only have you displayed that get-along MIFTer spirit, you've shown that you're willing to sacrifice one another.

"Sacrifice for one another"?

Fritz

That, too. So, Mr. W, Mr. S, what do you way we forget all the dismissal jumbo-mumbo-bumbo-bimble?

Sulley

Speaking of dismissal mumbo jumbo, what about that "against company policy" vacation door?

Mike

Taken care of, Sulley. I'm having it shredded.

Needleman

Mr. Wazowski, we're here to take the vacation door to your office.

Sulley

Our office?

Fritz

A new vending machine?

Cutter

Look at that. It even has hot foods. That's pretty... hot.

Duncan

That's right, sir. I had it installed just for you.

Val

You had it installed? No, no, no. This wasn't Duncan's idea.

Tylor

Yeah, Val and I are the ones who gave Mike the idea to upgrade.

Duncan

But I approved the delivery.

Val

Duncan!

Fritz

No, no, no, no, no. I don't think I like this.

Duncan

Me neither.

Fritz

It's just too soon.

Duncan

Way too soon.

Fritz

I miss Vendy.

Duncan

This was all College Boy's hair-brained scheme.

Tylor

What?! No! Hey, I didn't ask Mike to send this down.

Duncan

You said it was your idea.

Tylor

I said it was Mike's idea.

Val

Upgrades.

Duncan

This is clearly all their fault. Keep that in mind.

Tylor

No-no-no, hold on.

Val

Duncan...

Fritz

Wow! Look at all these refreshing Drooler Cooler flavors. I like this.

Duncan

And it was all my idea!

Tylor

Really, Duncan?

Fritz

How do I choose? There's Spineapple! That sounds...

Duncan

Whatever you want.

Fritz

Taste Free, Bilgeberry. Maybe I'm just gonna go for Bile Blast.

Duncan

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Fritz

[selects Bile Blast] Bump-bump-bump. [inserts his coins] Bitty bump. [the machine opens and a tray comes out holding a Bile Blast Drooler Cooler] Oh, my! [drinks the Drooler Cooler] The acidity's astounding. I can't feel my tongue, but so what? Maybe I should've tried the Lemon Slime instead. That could've been even more delightful and refreshing.

Val

Hey, look, there's an exchange button.

Fritz

Huh?

Val

Right there.

Fritz

Oh. Jumping gaskets! [presses the exchange button and places the drink back in the tray] Whoa! Would you look at that? [selects Lemon Slime] Bitty bump. [the tray comes out holding a Lemon Slime Drooler Cooler] I can't get over it! This is really something! Thank you, Vendy 2! [kisses "Vendy 2"] And thank you all. You know, I'm having a really rough week and this makes me feel a smidgy bit better. [goes into his office carrying multiple sodas]

Tylor

You hear that? He thanked us. We're not getting fired.

Duncan

No, no. He thanked moi. I'm not getting fired.