Mike Wazowski quotes from Monsters at Work

Mike

I can't take it anymore! I can't take it any...! It's just a simple thing! "Knock-knock!" "Who's there?" That's how it works! It's called humor!

Mike

I found out that if you sob into your pillow long enough, you can get over anything.

Boys, we need to talk.

Mike

Oh, Roz, what an unpleasant surprise. [tries to walk out but Sulley stops him]

I had a little debrief with the Board of Directors, and they wanted me to relay the news: They're putting you two in charge.

Sulley

You're kidding.

That's what I said. But, Sullivan, you're officially the new Monsters, Inc. CEO. And, Wazowski, you're the...

Mike

Wait. I got this. Senior Co-President of Monsters, Incorporated, and Chief Executive Vice-Deputy Administrative Director of Comedy Resources Management, or SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM for short.

Eh... My work here is done.

Mike

Well, adieu, Roz. True friends never say goodbye, so... goodbye! Can you believe it, Sulley?! We're in charge! You and me!

One last thing: The Board promised to give my sister my old job. She'll be in later. Good luck. She's not bubbly like me. Ha, ha, ha!

Mike

That has a sister?

Sulley

Us in charge?

Mike

[on the phone] Yeah, you heard right, we're in charge, Floor Supervisor Celia.

Celia

[excited] What?! Really?!

Mike

Yeah, yeah.

Celia

Floor Supervisor?! Me?!

Mike

I thought the first order of business should be for you to get your long overdue promotion.

Celia

Everybody, get back to work! I'm practicing my Floor Supervisor voice. Oh, my gosh. I'm...

Mike

[pushes a picture of Waternoose off the desk] Goodbye! [kisses the phone and hangs up] I could really get into this being-in-charge thing. Not that I'd use it for personal gain. How much do you think my raise should be? What about a company car? You know, nothing...

Sulley

There won't be any raise or car if we don't keep the power on. Come on, we need to get you to the Scare Floor.

Mike

Laugh Floor.

Sulley

Laugh Floor. Right, right. And we're gonna need to find a couple hundred more funny monsters.

Mike

Plus, we're gonna need a new slogan. Let's see. "We clown around to power the town."

Sulley

I'm thinking... no.

Mike

"We are funny to keep the lights runny."

Sulley

Keep trying, Mikey.

Mike

Hey, how about this one?

Sulley

Ruuuuun!

Mike

WAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!

Tylor

I am so sorry, Mr. Sullivan. Mr. Wazowski. I, uh, appreciate the opportunity that I have completely blown. You'll never see me again.

Sulley

Hold it! You're Tylor Tuskmon, aren't you?

Tylor

Uh, yes. Yes, I am. How did you know?

Sulley

Who do you think recommended you for the job? You graduated top of you class, even broke my record in the simulation room.

Tylor

Ah, yeah. Well... What can I say? I seem to be pretty good at breaking things lately.

Sulley

It's been a rough day for all of us.

Mike

Yep. Everything's changing.

Sulley

Laugh power instead of scare power. Me and Mike in charge. And I guess they're gonna have to change the old MU School of Scaring to the College of Comedy.

Mike

Comedy college... Right! Sulley, you're a genius! And seeing that I am the official SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM, I'm making an executive decision to begin Monster, Inc. Comedy Classes, featuring Professor Me! I'll each all you scary monsters how to be funny.

Tylor

What?

Mike

'Cause I know what it's like once you've stepped across that line. You'd do anything to be on this floor.

Tylor

So I actually have a chance of becoming a Jokester?

Sulley

Mike and I, we worked our way up from the mailroom. So anything's possible.

Tylor

No more scaring. Now it's, uh, laughter you're after.

Mike

Bingo! Our new slogan! "It's Laughter We're After."

Wazowski!

Mike

[looks over at Roz's old counter to a monster, similar to Roz, but with red hair] Roz?

Roze

The name's Roze.

Mike

Wake me up, Sulley. I've having a horrible nightmare. One where you actually smell things.

Roze

They just delivered the new kid's hat and ID.

Sulley

And from now on, call me Sulley.

Mike

And call me Mike.

Val

Whoa, what happened here? Sure know how to make an impression.

Fritz

Where'd you go? I thought you were getting us appreciation donuts.

Duncan

[whispers] Remember, I'm onto you.

Roze

Tylor, welcome to Monsters, Incorporated.

Sulley

You've been at this for 18 hours straight. You need a break.

Mike

Ah! A break? Sulley, I am personally powering Monstropolis. [points to the Laugh Record board] Look! First place, second place... fourth place? Uh, that Lanky and his spinning bowtie. We'll see who gets the last laugh, Lanky!

Sulley

Mike, you need to relax. Let the others handle it for a while.

Mike

I'm fine. I gotta keep the kids laughing. I got a gift, Sulley. You do not hide a gift like mine from my tiny, adoring friends... [falls asleep]

Sulley

Well, if you're gonna keep the kids laughing, we'd better get you some coffee.

Sulley

Okay. Creamer, sugar. [pours the creamer and sugar into Mike's cup] Sugars, creamers, stir sticks. No stir sticks. Where is it? [looks around to see if anyone's looking and then takes Mikey's hand and uses his finger to stir his coffee; Mike wakes up as soon as Sulley gives him his coffee] There you go. That'll help.

Mike

Bleh, that's horrible. Tastes like someone's finger.

Sulley

Uh, that's weird.

Mike

Well, thanks, Sulley.

Roze

Wazowski! Better not fall asleep in your comedy class.

Mike

Oh, that's right. I'm teaching comedy class at lunch.

Sulley

Mike, you can't keep going like this.

Needleman

Actually, he can, Mr. Sullivan, with a little something called... [throws Mike an energy drink bottle] 36 1/2 Hour Energy drink.

Smitty

Yeah, me and Needleman drink two of those when we run out of 73 Hour Energy drink.

Needleman

It's twice as good as the 18 1/4 Hour Energy drink.

Sulley

Yeah? I don't know. 36 1/2 hours sounds a lot of energy for such a little...

Mike

Another laugh canister... filled. [falls asleep]

Sulley

Only took him two hours to burn through all 36 1/2 hours of energy.

Celia

[puts a blanket over Mike] Aww, let's just let him sleep. Great job, MIFT. And thank you, Tylor.

Tylor

No, no, no. It was a team effort, really. Really.

Celia

Well, they couldn't have done it without you.

Val

You did it! You wrenched the heck out of that nut.

Fritz

You finished your first job as a MIFTer.

Val

Yeah!

Fritz

This calls for a celebration!

Mike

Baby?! We have to take the baby out?!

Val

Just while we make the repairs.

Mike

Nope. No kids allowed in Monsters, Inc. or Monstropolis.

Cutter

If she wakes up and the parents catch us, boom! Dead door.

Sulley

Wait, wait, what if I take her out and keep her asleep--

Mike

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Sulley

Come on, Mike.

Mike

Not after what happened last time with Boo. Remember? [imitates Sulley] "Ooklay in the agbay."

[whispers to Val] Is he speaking French?

Mike

Our lives were almost ruined.

Sulley

That won't happen again.

Celia

If we can't fix it in time, we got ourselves a dead door.

Mike

I'll do it!

Sulley

[chuckles] You?

Mike

Yes, me. You see, Sulley, there's a difference between you and me.

Sulley

Yeah. I'm tall and you're short.

Mike

No.

Sulley

I'm blue, you're green.

Mike

No.

Sulley

Awesome horns, little nubs.

Mike

No!

Sulley

Furry, not furry.

Mike

No.

Sulley

Huggable, less huggable.

Mike

No! And stop it! Unlike you, Sulley, I can control my feelings. I'm immune to kids' cuteness.

Celia

Oh, googly bear...

Mike

I just want you to know that that cute little snoring thing you do doesn't affect me.

Sulley

[loudly enters the office] Hey, Mike!

Mike

Shh-shh-shh.

Sulley

[whispering] How's it going?

Mike

Perfect. No problem. See? I'm not even affected by little Snore.

Sulley

Wait. You named it?

Mike

[hesitantly] Um, I-I-I...

Sulley

You told me once that if you name it...

Mike

You start getting attached to it. And no, this is different.

Sulley

How?

Mike

I just can't call it "thing." For example, if somebody came in and said, "Hey, Mike, can I borrow that thing?" How would I know what they're talking about? Snore or a stapler? It's completely different.

Sulley

I just came by to tell you Rant just gave me two tickets to the baseball game.

Mike

[gasps] The Monstropolis Creepees vs. the Red Shocks?

Sulley

Yeah, awesome seats, too.

Mike

Oh, that's great! When are we going?

Sulley

We? Oh, uh, it's today's game. I was gonna ask you, but since you're babysitting, I was gonna see if Fungus wanted to go.

Mike

Fungus?! [is about to yell about stops as he knows he would wake up Snore] Fungus?! He knows zip about baseball. I'm the Creepees' biggest fan. [points to his baseball cards and Creepees gear] Look, look, look! And an autographed picture of me with TJ Clawson! I've got tons of monsterobelia! Take Fungus to the opera. You're taking me to the game.

Sulley

What about little Snore?

Mike

Leave that to me.

Mike

[sniffs] You smell something, Sulley? I think my rotdog's gone fresh.

Sulley

Well, it ain't me. It's... [gestures to Snore]

Mike

[sniffs Snore's diaper and gags] Wow, that's fresh. Makes my eye water. Hey, pal, buddy.

Sulley

Nope.

Mike

Nothing is more important than our friendship, right?

Sulley

Nope.

Mike

Come on. You know...

Sulley

Nope.

Mike

You owe me for that favor I did for you.

Sulley

Nope.

Mike

That one time.

Sulley

Nope.

Mike

Favor...

Mike

That I did. I'll pay you.

Sulley

You're the one who insisted on giving her the rotdog.

Mike

Yeah, but I didn't know it would make its way through so quickly. These humans are weird. I still haven't passed something from seven months ago.

Sulley

You know, my mother always said, "What goes in must come out."

Mike

I never liked your mother.

Sulley

[as Mike returns after changing the baby] Oh, brother, did you miss it! Clawson hit two fast balls! [trails off when he sees how annoyed Mike is] Oh, I got a good feelin' tonight's the night...

Mike

Isn't that great? I'm so glad that you enjoyed it.

Sulley

Oh. Uh... Hmm. Well, if there's anything you need me to help out with...

Mike

How about you're cooking dinner tonight and doing the dishes?

Sulley

Cooking? Well, uh, maybe we could order out.

Mike

Order out? Order o-- That's all we do. Why can't we for once have a nice home-cooked family meal together? Answer me that. Answer me that!

Sulley

But you like ordering out!

Mike

That was before the baby.

Boo! You swing like a baby! A REALLY WICKED UGLY BABY!!! [laughs]

Mike

Okay, that's it! Listen, gasbag. How's the baby supposed to sleep with you makin' all that racket?

You's talkin' to me?

Mike

[nervously] Uh, no, actually. I was rehearsing a play that we're doing with our local theater group. [chuckles] Yeah. It's called, "How's That Baby Supposed to Sleep With You Making All That Racket"...?

[angry at Mike] Who brings a stupid baby to a baseball game?

Mike

What did you just say?

Sulley

Uh, he didn't mean it.

I said, what kind of class-A moron, ingrate, ding-dong brings a stupid baby TO A BASEBALL GAME?!

Mike

[glaring] That's what I thought you said. [puts Snore back in the bucket]

Sulley

[worried] Mike?

Mike

Nobody, not even an overgrown ogre in makeup calls our baby stupid.

Mike

Yes, the Bowl-off-a-thon. It's almost here, Fungus. The roll of the ball, the sound of a strike. And this year's prize, dinner for two at Harryhausen's.

Roze

No Bowl-off-a-thon for you, Wazowski.

Mike

Oh, hello, Roze. Now, what's this about me not bowling?

Roze

You've still got to do your paperwork.

Mike

Paperwork? No. How common. I'm in charge now. Y'know, the SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM. Fungus files my paperwork.

Roze

Not file, approve. [drops a big stack of paperwork in front of Mike] Now that you're in charge, you have to approve all the paperwork.

Mike

You sure you're not Roz?

Roze

We're completely different.

Morning, Roze.

Roze

Gary.

Mike

Gary?

Mikey. Roze, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I wasn't able to finish up my paperwork last night. Y'know, I was busy practicing for the big Bowl-off-a-thon so that I could win... again. Heheh.

Roze

Don't you worry that cute little round head of yours. It's just paperwork.

Oh, Roze, you are the best.

Roze

No, you're the best. [shove the big stack of paperwork to Mike] Good luck, Gary.

Mike

Gary...

Mike

I can't lose to Gary!

Tylor

Sorry, Mike. I just... I just wanted to impress you. And all I really ended up doing was... [sighs] ...was hurting my team. I really let you guys down, and I'm sorry. I guess we... I guess I have to forfeit.

Needleman

Whoa, looks like the Big Wazowskis forfeit, which means the winner is--

Fritz

Wait! You said "team." You're right. We are the Monsters, Inc. Facilities Team. And when you're part of a team, you stand up for your teammates. And regardless of what they do, unless it's illegal and would make you an accomplice to a crime, which I have learned the hard way, you remain loyal. By their side. Through the... Well, you know, through the...

Tylor

Good and the bad?

Fritz

The good in the bag because you know they would do the same for you. So, Tylor, I have a question for you, young MIFTer. Are you part of our team?

Tylor

Well, I mean, I'm more than part of the team. I'm the team captain. And you know what? I will lead us to victory. Because we are MIFT. We are the Big Wazowskis.

Fritz

But, Tylor can I remind you that we pee-ew stink?

Tylor

Well, then, we're just gonna have to stink our way to victory.