Monk · Season 8
[As Monk, Natalie and Sharona travel across the golf course to find Perry Walsh, Sharona can't help but notice that Natalie always refers to Monk as "Mr. Monk"]
Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Of course not. Why would I mind?
Okay. Adrian.
Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Me neither.
[At Natalie's family reunion picnic]
Are you my uncle?
No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
...Yes. [Referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.
[Talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Thank you, Randy.
[DeWitt has nearly tried to kill Shelby and Monk is telling Stottlemeyer about this]
Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
How?
She could bark at him.
Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.
[Examining a painting] Could be a lover?
How do you figure?
Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?
Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.
[About Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Like?
Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.
It's not too late to back out.
Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Well, at least try to have some fun.
Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.
I don't know how you do it.
What's that?
How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.
What happened?
One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
[Yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.
Yeah, good night.
See you in the morning.
Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival]
And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?
Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
[Shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.
I'm taking four kids camping this weekend. It's going to be so much fun. Everybody's going to get a badge.
Almost everybody.
Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Eh, no.
Do you have plans?
You're not feeling well?
Well, I hope you feel better.
[Practicing his song that he will sing at Leland and T.K.'s wedding] "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Sounds a little bit like "Light My Fire".
What part?
The words. And the music. Why don't you just play "The Wedding March"?
[Monk is holding Leland's bachelor party at his apartment]
Okay, does everybody have pizza?
Uh, there's nothing on it. [The pizzas have been ordered "extra plain," with absolutely no cheese or sauce on them!]
I know! I ordered plain.
Not even cheese?
I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. [Puts an apple juice container on top of a coaster] All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hallway, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door, only to discover that the bathroom space has been taken up by a port-a-potty]
Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom!
Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?
All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Thank you, thank you very much.
[Reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says, 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster! And you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-
And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]
Stephanie! Do you have a minute?
Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?
No. It really can't.
You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?
Yeah.
Where were you before that? You never said.
Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance on Stephanie]
You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?
What are you talking about?
Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?
Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-
Here's what I know: I know that we're going back inside. We have a few things to talk about.
[Stephanie produces a Kahr K9 handgun from the tuxedo bag]
Okay not today, Leland.
I'll bet you a week's pay that that's a .9 millimeter.
That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.
What was it doing with my tuxedo?
That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Just shut up.
I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.
[As Stephanie Briggs is forcing Monk and Stottlemeyer into her car at gunpoint, T.K. comes running up to Stottlemeyer]
Just go home. We have nothing more to say, just go home.
He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.
All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]
In that case, you're coming with us. Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie's true nature]
Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-
[To T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.
Oh, it's not, huh? [She fires a live round into the air, but fails to see the slide lock back]
It's empty now. [Produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]
Ow! That hurt!
Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?
Absolutely.
You polished the bullets.
Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.
Yeah, they might get a infection. God, we're funny together.
We are.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
