TV show quotes
[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Yeah, I think so.
Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!
[Monk is horrified, having found out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.
[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.
I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?
If we were both drowning, who would you save?
I don't know, both of you.
No. If you could only save one of us?
Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
It's a family heirloom.
I'm leaving. [walks out]
You know, Mr. Monk, you never told me. What happened in the cemetery? How did you know that woman wasn't really Trudy?
Well, I went to the grave... and it still hurt. So I knew.
[Natalie pins Theresa Scott, her brother's murderous new wife, to the floor]
Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
I don't think so.
Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
I thought he'd lost his wallet.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
She was... wow.
Beautiful.
I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane (which Monk calls a "spittle shield")]
Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [After a few moments, Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames, which continue until Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher]
Hey, happy birthday.
I think I might reconsider that investment.
[Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
Who's Jonathan Davenport?
He's my brother.
"You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
Uh, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
[in disbelief] What?
[Disher produces a tube of Davenport Toothpaste]
This is you?
[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
No, he married her.
I have my own tux and everything.
Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Not cute enough to make bail.
[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Who is he?
So far he's John Doe.
I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Is he the driver?
No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
How do you know that?
The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.
[Someone has nearly tried to kill Randy by running him down]
How is he?
Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.
Can he identify the driver?
He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
So what, he was waiting for him?
From the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.
So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?
[produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
I'll get this down to the lab right away.
Captain, it's not your case.
By hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]
[Monk and Natalie see Stottlemeyer posing as a photographer]
Captain, what are you doing here?
Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Why?
Because Randy says he thinks he can identify the driver.
Did he get a good look at him?
Yep. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I'd develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile. [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
