Claire Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Claire

[to Jay] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.

Jay

Really?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You have trouble showing affection in public places?

Claire

Yes.

Jay

You?

Claire

[changes tone] Yes.

Jay

Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Haley

Oh my god, what?!

Alex

You were arrested?

Luke

Awesome!

Claire

Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.

Jay

: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire] I got a million of 'em.

Claire

Dad...

Claire

Where'd you go?

Alex

Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.

Haley

Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?

Claire

Alex, did you do that?

Alex

You got a text?

Haley

Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!

Alex

This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!

Claire

Haley, did you say that to her?

Haley

Oh, don't turn this on me! Look at her shoes!

Alex

I'm never going back to school now.

Claire

No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you -

Alex

What?! You read my texts?!

Haley

You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!

Alex

You made her talk to me?!

Claire

I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.

Alex

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were!

Haley

Were you?

Claire

Oh.

Haley

Were you?! I highly doubt it!

Claire

What the hell is that?

Haley

What? You told me to put on an old costume.

Claire

Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.

Haley

Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.

Claire

Are you kidding me?

Haley

What? I am her back then when she was hot.

Claire

I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.

Alex

I bet that's the first time you heard that.

Phil

[about Alex putting pressure on herself to do well on her exam] This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you.

Claire

What about me?

Phil

Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Claire

We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.

Phil

That's how they always look at us.

Phil

Never did catch what you do.

Claire

Didn't you?

Phil

Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

Claire

Well Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill. [pulls out room key]

Phil

Is that what I think it is?

Claire

It's not a gift card... or maybe it is.

Claire

So where is she? Where's Mom?

Jay

Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.

Mitchell

[to Claire] I thought she was coming with you.

Claire

Oh no no, I haven't seen Mom since, let's see....oh! she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night!

Jay

What!?!

Mitchell

No my god!!

Claire

Yeah, yeah. And then, she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep and then this morning, left a cute little note that said "Having breakfast with Robbie!"

Jay

What the hell is she doing, he's half her age!

Jay

Don't say it.

Gloria

[slurringly] I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful, it has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be...that is the question.

Claire

Dad, what's going on over there?

Jay

She was a little nervous about your mother being here, so she tried her first Xanax and washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Claire

[Talking about her ex-boyfriend] Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Mitchell

You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing, the freaks we used to date.

Cameron

[in a faux Cockney accent] 'Ello, guv'nor!

Mitchell

[In disbelief] I gotta jump. [hangs up] Alright... Let's hear it.

Cameron

Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester, at your service. I understand there's a little princess who's in need of a jolly good time!

Mitchell

[copying his faux Cockney accent] No!

Cameron

Your 'ighness said that the clown doesn't fit the princess theme, but methinks that a court jester is right as rain!

Mitchell

There goes the theory that an English accent makes everyone sound smart.

Phil

Hey.

Claire

Hey

Phil

I wanna show you something.

Claire

Let me guess. It's a copy of the book that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.

Phil

[opens photo album in his hands] Remember this? [Claire murmurs assent] It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.

Claire

God, I hated that ponytail.

Phil

I know, you said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.

Claire

I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life....

Phil

No! No no no no you're the witch who saved me! [Claire looks stunned] Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. [gestures to his face] You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.

Claire

[smiles] You're about to. [kisses him]

Mitchell

I'm sorry, did we come by at a bad time?

Claire

Try coming back seven years and five months from now when they're all gone!

Luke

I don't feel well.

Claire

Did you finish your milkshake?

Luke

I think that's the problem.

Phil

But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.

Claire

What was good about Luke's report card?

Phil

...He didn't lose it.

Phil

I don't make the best decisions under pressure.

Claire

Oh, my God! What the hell is that?

Phil

An alpaca. I bought the last one.

Alex

[Claire wants Alex to tell her how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

Claire

You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine!

Claire

You're good.