Phil Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Cameron

Hey, Phil... are you getting a Clown for today?

Phil

Er no, Luke er... Luke's not much of a Clown-fan.

Cameron

Really?

Phil

Yeah, never really liked them

Cameron

Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil

Has anyone?!

Claire

Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.

Phil

One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.

Claire

Phil's problem is follow-through.

Phil

We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of a goldfish bowl.

Claire

Okay, I checked the rest of the computer in the house. I didn't find any more porn.

Phil

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Alex

What's Jägermeister?

Phil

Um, well you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle -- you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Claire

"Clive", I have a little something for you.

Phil

What is it?

Claire

[tosses something at Phil] My dress.

Phil

Oh..

Claire

My bra.

Phil

Oh my...

Claire

My underwear.

Phil

My god!

Claire

Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs.

Phil

This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.

Claire

Denise? Do I know Denise?

Phil

Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.

Haley

Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.

Claire

Thank you.

Luke

You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Phil

Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.

Claire

And thank you.

Phil

Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.

Claire

You think I smother our children?

Phil

It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?

Luke

[Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?

Claire

Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.

Phil

Incredible game.

Claire

Yeah.

Luke

Mom, you look really pretty.

Claire

Thank you sweetheart.

Luke

So, what happened?

Phil

Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-

Luke

I mean, what happened in the game?

Phil

[After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."

Claire

Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Phil

Which is why we don't hide anything.

Claire

That is the opposite of what I just said.

Phil

I was not listening.

Jay

[to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.

Phil

Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.

Jay

That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?

Phil

[about Alex putting pressure on herself to do well on her exam] This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you.

Claire

What about me?

Phil

Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Claire

We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.

Phil

That's how they always look at us.

Phil

Never did catch what you do.

Claire

Didn't you?

Phil

Surprising, I know. I'm usually pretty good at catching things from women in bars.

Claire

Well Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill. [pulls out room key]

Phil

Is that what I think it is?

Claire

It's not a gift card... or maybe it is.

Phil

Hey.

Claire

Hey

Phil

I wanna show you something.

Claire

Let me guess. It's a copy of the book that I begged you to read, but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.

Phil

[opens photo album in his hands] Remember this? [Claire murmurs assent] It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.

Claire

God, I hated that ponytail.

Phil

I know, you said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.

Claire

I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life....

Phil

No! No no no no you're the witch who saved me! [Claire looks stunned] Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. [gestures to his face] You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.

Claire

[smiles] You're about to. [kisses him]

Phil

But I was going to take Luke and Manny go-karting for their good report cards.

Claire

What was good about Luke's report card?

Phil

...He didn't lose it.