Phil Dunphy quotes from Modern Family

Phil

Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

Luke

She just said that mom was Blind Side.

Phil

She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played Tight End.

Alex

Offensive Line.

Phil

Sorry, African-American kid.

Phil

I don't make the best decisions under pressure.

Claire

Oh, my God! What the hell is that?

Phil

An alpaca. I bought the last one.

Phil

I really need to talk to you.

Jay

You really don't.

Phil

Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.

Jay

[relieved] Oh. Good for you!

Phil

Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

Phil

Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.

Luke

The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.

Phil

Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp. In a soothing purr of motorized delight.

Luke

Wow. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.

Phil

You mean, a real Head Scratcher?

Hahahahahahhaha.

Phil

TM.

Manny

That's it. I'm getting Mother's Little Helper.

Phil

What?

Manny

My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.

Phil

This isn't an emergenc-

Phil

Now it is!