OOffdensen
Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.
Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?
OOffdensen
You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-
I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!
I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!
I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!
Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?
You could be in charge of old... you know what!
Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!
OOffdensen
Have you activated the emergency alert system?
Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"
Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"
AMAll Members
"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
WOWeather Official
All alert systems have been looted and robbed.
Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"
What the fuck do you guys even do here?
WOWeather Official
We name the hurricanes, sir.
You name the hurricane, that's your job?
WOWeather Official
What should we name this hurricane, sir?
Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.
Oh, it's like a NASCAR...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!
OOffdensen
So it's a car race?
OOffdensen
I'm confused, you want to do a car race?
Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medieval times...
OOffdensen
Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-
No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...
[reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murderface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...
OOffdensen
What does this have to do with Dethklok?
I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok
I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.
OOffdensen
I know! But what does this have to do with the music?
Who cares about the music?!
OOffdensen
Well your audience cares-
Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!
OOffdensen
Are you guys truly on board with this idea?
[short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.
OOffdensen
Good day then. [leaves]
Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.
OOffdensen
What are you doing in here?
Just getting my work done.
OOffdensen
Getting your work done- well what work are you doing right now?
Uhhhh, you know, for the show. Everything.
OOffdensen
Alright, well the impression I'm getting from you is that you don't know what you're doing.
[muttering] No I don't. Yeah, that's true.
OOffdensen
You're very late approving all the production design. Do you know that?
OOffdensen
Okay, you have to do that.
OOffdensen
And you- you've looked at the schedule?
OOffdensen
Okay, and what do you th-
OOffdensen
Y-you approve the schedule-?
OOffdensen
You have a press conference... in five minutes. Okay, this is the associated press, alright? You know who that is?
OOffdensen
It's a lot of people, alright?
OOffdensen
They're confused by your idea.
OOffdensen
So you have to set them straight. Okay?
OOffdensen
And you'll remember to do the insurance?
OOffdensen
You should do that now.
OOffdensen
Okay? We'll do it right after the press conference, okay?
Right after the press conference.
OOffdensen
Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.
Oh god, that's pandering!
OOffdensen
Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.
Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!
OOffdensen
Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?
See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!
OOffdensen
Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?
Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?
OOffdensen
No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.
Repair our image with health care!?
Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.
Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!
CharlesSorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...
Charles
You know, potential-
Charles
Yes?
Gimme fifty thousand dollars.
Charles
Well uh, what do you need it for?
For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!
Charles
Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-
So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!
Charles
All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-
So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?
Charles
Yes.
[long pause]
We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!
Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
Charles
[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!
Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!
Charles
Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!
Charles
How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!
How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?
Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.
Yeah, it's very suspicious.
Charles
No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.
Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?
Charles
Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-
Charles
...But you guys have a very short attention span.
Charles
No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!
Charles
You're not what?!
He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!
Charles
We're arguing two different things here!
OOffdensen
You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.
Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.
Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?
OOffdensen
Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.
No, I mean he might kill us.
He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.
He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--
Don't fucking do that to me.
Charles
Moving right along-
Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?
Charles
Very well.
I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.
Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.
Charles
Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-
YES! YES! We want spiritual things.
Charles
Is that really the reason?
I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"
Charles
I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?
We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.
Charles
To reach things?
Charles
To reach things.
Charles
All right, guys, this is costing us several million dollars to destroy this report. Now, I want you to know that, William. A lot of stuff that you don't know about goes into silencing the media. First off we need to make agreements with all participants to evict information from the record. This of course includes rounding up all participants. And of course if there are any problems, we'll have to deal with them.
AFAngry fan
You can take this waiver and shove it up your ass!
K1Klokateer 1
Let it be noted that the participant is belligerent.
K2Klokateer 2
Noted. Participant slated for mental reprogramming, (Angry fan screams as he is strapped to surgery table) facial reconstructive surgery, (A scalpel is brought to his face) and relocation. (The fan is tossed out a garbage truck into the middle of a desert road with a new face)
CCharles (VO)
Well, you guys don't need to know everything that goes into it. Just know that it's a long, complicated and expensive process.
AFAngry fan
THIS ISN'T MY FACE!!!!
Charles
This happens every time you, William, have a media disaster. Which is often.
Charles
Guys, you aren't going to die, you'll be fine-
Stop saying die, use a different word.
Use a different phrase like-
Something like, uh, something that's good instead of death, like-
MMuderface
Hamburger Time.
[pause]
Hamburger Time, perfect. Say Hamburger Time.
Use Hamburger Time, alright?
[pause]
Charles
Well as long as you guys are all worried about, uh... Hamburger Time, uh, maybe it would help a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor. Got a checkup.
[the band grumbles against this]
Look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck, and fine. Then he goes to the doctor: cancer. Bing Bang Boom! Hair out, Hamburger Time.
Charles
All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
Charles
There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
Charles
So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Charles
Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
.... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Charles
Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
MMuderface
My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
.... I love that my dad's dead.
Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
CCalvert
Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
Charles
All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
My dad's fucking awesome.
Charles
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Charles
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
Charles
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
