OOffdensen
I... must say I have never seen you this reclusive and moody before. But, there must be something we can do to get you guys back out there playing shows.
Well, what of the fans out there who wanna kill us?
OOffdensen
Well, there won't be. I have a proposal I think you'll be interested in, since your concern with security has increased. A number of criminals are to be executed soon, and the prison system has asked you to perform at this execution because-
OOffdensen
And they want you to pick how they're executed.
AWWWWWWWW, AWWWWWWWWWW! DARN, THAT'S AWESOME! THAT'S REALLY AWESOME!
OOffdensen
Is this, uh, something you would, uh, consider, doing?
[throws his bottle] URRRRR!!!!!!! YEAH! BUT IT'S GOTTA BE REALLY FUCKING BRUTAL!
CharlesYou wanted to, talk to me ?
Charles
No, thank you. I'll stand.
Oh. We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.
Charles
You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets?
No... about calling you a robot.
No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.
Charles
Mm-hmm.
Ands, listens, you's the bests butler we's ever had, so we no wants yous to quit.
Charles
I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all, then?
That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...
Charles
You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?
Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.
OOffdensen
It should be clear at this point that Toki is concerned about his role in the band.
What do you mean? He's, he's the rhythm guitar player, am I right?
OOffdensen
Yes, he, is, but he's been complaining that he doesn't get enough spotlight. And it's become apparent, uh, in the media. Take a look at that. [throws down a magazine that reads "Will Toki go to War for More Notes?"]
What does he care? He don't even practice or nothin'. He doesn't write, he just shows up. That guy doesn't do anything!
HEY! He makes sandwiches, alright?
WOAH! THAT GUY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
OOffdensen
Well, uh, he is a band member, so try to, be nice to him.
[contemptuously] HEY HEY! Why don't you just uhhh, why don't you just get out of here and let the big boys deal with this one. Or maybe just write it down in that stupid little book, you know, you file away with all receipts for your lollipops and your pretzels, idiot.
OOffdensen
[offended] Uhh... excuse me?
I'm just messing with you, man! [snickers]
OOffdensen
You uh, sure about that?
[ingenuinely]] Yeah, just pallin' around. Just being a little dick, you know.
OOffdensen
Fine then, good day. [leaves]
Yeah you've got it down to a science!
You notice how I'm not mad. He gets mad. That's being a dick.
It's amazing just to be able to manipulate like that. Wow! What a gift!
How do you just turn it on like that?
Well, it... It takes years boys. I mean- Pickles, you got something on your shirt right there. [puts a finger on his shirt]
I do? [looks down and Murderface punches him]
OOffdensen
I can not, in good faith, sign off on this citizen's firing.
OOffdensen
Because, uh, some of the other band mates neglected to vote.
I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Voting sucks!
I was actually the president of the voting-sucks club in high school.
Well, I never got re-elected.
OOffdensen
Well, Toki, I don’t know what to say. Either you work this out with Skwisgaar, or you’ll have a bigger decision to make.
No, I nots works its out! [leaves the room.]
See? See! Right there! I can’ts even talks to him! He’s unrationals!
OOffdensen
Well..there you go.
OOffdensen
Ah, listen. I don't think it's a great idea for you guys to get too close to your doubles.
Why can't we have friends all of a sudden?
OOffdensen
You can. You just can't have them as friends.
Ohhh. He admits it sees. He's a tyrants sees.
OOffdensen
Do you understand the purpose of having doubles?
Yeah, I'll take this one guys. A double is like having the best friend you've had in your whole life. A double listens to you when no one in this crazy world will. A double is like having a child and watching him grow up and feeling that feeling of pride and unyielding trust that no one else can ever give you.
OOffdensen
They exist to so that if someone tries to kill you they will be killed instead.
Whoa what? I mean just thinking of those us as dead, I mean I'm going to cry I might seriously cry about that.
OOffdensen
That's why you don't get emotionally attached, Nathan.
[dialing a number on his dethfone] Hey we just saw you on TV at the parade! It was awesome! [whispers] Hey when you get back, we're gonna have a surprise party!
Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! [Murderface continues talking] Gimme the phone! GIMME THE PHONE!
HOLD ON! Here's Nathan. [gives phone to Nathan]
Hiiiiiii! WE JUST SAW YOU ON THE PARADE! IT WAS GREAT!
Oh yeah! WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!
[plugging his other ear] IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!
Ask them what they want at the-
I will! I will! Hold on! Hold on!
We gets the bounce house!
Tell 'em about the BALLOONS!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE BALLOONS! [Offdensen enters the room] I gotta go, goodbye. [hangs up]
OOffdensen
What were you going on the phone? You're supposed to be doing your jobs.
Jobs? I play bass not to have a job!
OOffdensen
You're supposed to be preparing for the concert! Nathan, you're in charge. How's rehearsal going?
Well it umm... uhhh oh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good.
OOffdensen
What happened back there, huh? What was that?
(distressed) We no means it, it was accidenskal! We not at fault!
OOffdensen
"Blood Bath" does not read well in print, you know what I'm saying--
(yelling) WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIIIIIGHT!
Hold on, this guy doesn't look like me! He's hideous, he's grotesque, look at 'im!
OOffdensen
Actually, Murderface, he--
Look at that head, that disgusting forehead, that stupid-shaped hair, beady eyes, like, stupid flat nose, wide hammer-ass, chicken-plucked legs idiot! (addressing Offdensen) You need to get your eyes checked, you piece of shit! This guy doesn't look like me!
(dejectedly) Oh God, he looks just like me...
OOffdensen
Listen, great men throughout history have used doubles. Men who needed to stay alive for the greater good of their people, much like yourselves. Men like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin-
Awesome! I'm Stalin, I called it.
I wants to be Bill Cosby!
OOffdensen
Well..uh, I'm afraid its time to say goodbye to your doubles.
OOffdensen
I know they are, Toki.
Then we do we gotta say goodbye to 'em?
OOffdensen
BECAUSE, Pickles, they no longer look like you, that was the point. Their skin is burned, they dont even have features.
What if we burned ourselves to look like dems! Dens maybes we could keeps them!
That would work! You know it would! Come on, lets burn ourselves!
OOffdensen
That is out of the question, Murderface, you are not going to burn-
Your out of the question!
OOffdensen
I'm afraid its time for you to, uh, say goodbye to your doubles now.
Let us do it, its better if they hear it from us. Because we're them, after all.
[Dr. Rockso is being tortured with an electrical shock device à la Han Solo in Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back
OOffdensen
[monotonally] Oh my God, what's going on here? Stop torturing him.
(sobbing) Thank you. Thank you, you're an angel!
OOffdensen
Yes, yes, yes I am. There, there... Give him one more.
OOffdensen
All right, all right, well, here are your clothes, Dr. Rockzo. The, uh, the boys are going out for some ice cream and hookers. Is that something you'd be interested in doing?
[sheepishly]] I don't know, I guess so...
Oh oh, we gotta get some bait! They got pretty big fish down there, get some big worms, and... you know what, get snakes. Snakes are the biggest worms out there.
OOffdensen
I'm sure there'll be plenty of snakes down there. It's the Amazon.
There you go, penny-pinchin' again.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
