CharlesNow an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Charles
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Charles
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Ofdensen
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Ofdensen
Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
AAssistant
Sir, it's Dethklok.
Ofdensen
Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
AAssistant
They claim it's rather urgent.
Ofdensen
Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
Ofdensen
I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
Ofdensen
Well uh, maybe if you-
Ofdensen
Mhmm?
Ofdensen
Yes.
I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
Ofdensen
Okay well listen-
AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
Ofdensen
Okay. Guys?
Ofdensen
I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Ofdensen
Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
TSToki's Answering Machine
Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
Ofdensen
So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.
Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?
Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.
Ofdensen
It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.
We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!
Ofdensen
Either way the media thinks your racists.
Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.
Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]
[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!
Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?
Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?
Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!
One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.
[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?
Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?
[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?
Ofdensen
Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!
Ofdensen
It's too late.
Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...
Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...
Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!
Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!
Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!
SSkwisgaar (flashback)
You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!
NNathan (flashback)
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
OOfdensen (flashback)
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
[enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Ofdensen
Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-
HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.
It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!
Ofdensen
Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.
God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?
Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"
Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!
Ofdensen
Guys come on, I don't think-
Dude that's pretty awesome!
Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?
I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.
How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?
Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.
Ofdensen
Oh God, please...please God...
I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!
[enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]
Get off of me! Get off of me!
What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!
Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
