Toki Wartooth quotes from Metalocalypse

Please pull forward now.

Toki

No, I-I lets that guy go first.

But now it's your turn.

Toki

After this guys.

You have right of way!

Toki

After that guy. You-you gos head!

Let'sa go, douchebag!

Leaves hims alone!

Toki

[weeps] I can'ts do it!

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You bothes failds your driving tests-o.

SKwisgaar

Buts dats uns-possible!

No it isn't! You didn't drive anywhere!

Toki

It's scary!

I know! You told me!

Where'ds dids I fail?

You wouldn'ts even sit in the front-o seat-o!

IT'S TOO SCARY UPS THERE!

How do you expect to drive back-seat-o?!

RACIST!

Toki

Yeah, racist!

Yeah, well fuck you two, I'm leaving!

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OOffdensen

Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.

Oh god, that's pandering!

Pandering!

OOffdensen

Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.

Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!

OOffdensen

Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.

Compassion?!?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?

See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!

OOffdensen

Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?

Oh come on...

Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?

OOffdensen

No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.

Repair our image with health care!?

(mumble)

Toki

Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.

Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!

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DDoctor

You're not dying, it's just a cold.

I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.

DDoctor

Did you ever have colds before?

No.

Toki

Can'ts you gives us injections?

Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!

DDoctor

Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!

That's my cigar...

DDoctor

Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.

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[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]

Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?

[using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!

[using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...

Toki

[laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!

Check it out. [laughs]

[using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!

[using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!

You're Leech Hitler!

Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.

OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!

Now, that guy was an entertainer.

Oh, you got that right!

Toki

Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!

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Toki

Slut! She sluts! Look at her!

Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.

What are you talkin' about?

What?

Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.

That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.

Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.

Yeah, so?

What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!

Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.

And?

And what?

Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?

Well...then they sleep with you.

Ah yeah, I knew it!

That's his angles! Rights theres!

Toki

Ooh, busteds!

Oh, come on.

Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!

So?

Classics Murderface!

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Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!

I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?

Toki

Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!

Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.

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Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...

Hey. Hey.

You know, potential-

Hey!

Yes?

Gimme fifty thousand dollars.

Well uh, what do you need it for?

For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!

Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-

So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!

All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-

So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?

Yes.

[long pause]

We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!

Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?

[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!

Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!

Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!

How do you know that?

How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!

How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?

Toki

He's keepings it!

Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.

Yeah, it's very suspicious.

No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.

Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?

[suspiciously] Yeah.

Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-

BUT WHAT?!

...But you guys have a very short attention span.

[offended] NO WE'RE NOT!

No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!

Quit confusing things!

No we're not!

Toki

No we's not at all!

You're not what?!

Toki

He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!

Yeah!

We're arguing two different things here!

Well we're not!

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OOffdensen

You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.

Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.

Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?

OOffdensen

Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.

He's gonna kill himself?

No, I mean he might kill us.

He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.

He's fucked in the head.

He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--

Toki

[walks in] Hello.

BThe Band

AHHHH!

Don't fucking do that to me.

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Toki

Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.

See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.

Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.

Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.

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[the band, while sightseeing in Norway, go to a Black Metal store.]

Toki

This is my olds friend, Vrunkus Snorge.

VVrunkus

Well, if it isn't the commercially successfuls Toki Wartooth.

Guy seems like an asshole.

VVrunkus

I am pagans dropped in this conservative hell that is Norway.

Man, what the fuck are you listenin' to?

VVrunkus

This ams a demo tape from my band Hestekuk, what means "a horse's dick". Do you like it?

I dunno, it's okay.

VVrunkus

Then I hate it!

Hey, where's all the Dethklok albums?

VVrunkus

I don't sell them. [scoffs] Too digital.

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There you are, you scumbag!

Toki

[stomping the annoying fan's face into the ground] I'LL KILL YOU!!! [Murderface gapes in astonishment and fear. Toki turns towards him with an insane look] WHATS THE FUCKS DO YOU WANT, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!

.... What's up bro? What's happenin', huh?

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So wait, just so i understand, you're all passing on Takin' it Easy?

Yeah, We pass.

I can't even begin to believe that. You know what! Fuck YOU! I'm keeping that song for Planet Piss.

Toki

So I'ms in Planet Piss now?

NO! Fuck you, you're not in Planet Piss! You fucking greedy asshole! No.

Toki

I'll fucking sues you Murderface! Thats mine!

What?! What are you fucking doing!? (inaudiable) Are you going to throw a basket of hot towels on me?!?

Toki

Yes I'm going to throws the basket of hot towels at you!

I don't think you should!

Toki

Why not?

Because, those towels are really hot!! Don't fucking throw hot towels you lunatic!!

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Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.

Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!

Toki

Oh, gets sushi!

Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!

I'm sick of French toast!

We're not getting food, guys.

Why not?!

We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.

Toki

Then whys you dos it?

Because I ams a tones-chaser.

That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!

[clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.

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Toki

Okay so this ams the buttons that makes it records, and this ams the button that makes it stops records, and this ams the button that will makes it erase all of Skwisgaar's guitar tracks. [pushes the delete button] OH NO, WHATS HAS I DONE?!

Toki

I can'ts plays it! It's too damns hard! Skwisgaars always makes it so hard! Damns you stupid, slow, stubby fingers, don'ts looks at me! Awww shucks...whats am I goings to do!?

Hey Knubblers, still jazzed about hows greats dat recordings went. Mind playing me a couple of deh tracks?

Toki

[with great worry] uh why's do dat? Hey, let's alls gets lunch - my treats! Let's get out of this stuffy place. Let's get outta--let's just get outs of this room! Come on! GOS! GO!

Here you go, Skwisgaar. [pushes play, the track starts playing Toki's version of the solo]

WHAT THE FUCKS IS DAT SOUND?! SOMESTHING IS WRONGS HERE! ISOLATES MY GUITARS TRACKS! [the solo is playing very bad; Skwisgaar glares at Toki]

Toki

AHH! I'M SORRY'S, IT'S MY FAULT! I FUCKS IT ALL UP! Don'ts kicks me outs of deh band, I'lls do anything! I'LL SUCKS YOUR DICK!

Toki! Pulls yourselfs together!

Toki

I fucks it all up!