Skwisgaar Skwigelf quotes from Metalocalypse

Skwisgaar

Or maybe, like, we get him an endangered species, and then, we could kill it? That'd be cool.

Skwisgaar

I just read about this thing online you can buy a star and name it. Like, what if we named it, like, Mulhalmad Ali, the black prizefighter? That would be his gift.

Skwisgaar

Fuck you.

Nathan

Wait a minute! I got it - we'll give him the blackest most meaningless gift of all.

The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]

This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!

Murderface

Was he murdered?

No.

Murderface

How much did it cost?

This is an -

Murderface

Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?

He's asking for your autograph.

Skwisgaar

[grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]

OW!

Skwisgaar

The Dutch are scum.

Skwisgaar

This is a complete and total, y'know, sausage festival.

Toki

I love sausage festival!

Skwisgaar

Wait, what..

Toki

Like in Vienna.

Skwisgaar

No. No, Toki, that WAS a sausage festival.

Toki

Yeah, that was good.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, it was Vienna pork saus.... Um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.

Toki

The sausage?

Skwisgaar

Ja. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.

Toki

Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I'm going to make him a macaroni murder lady.

Skwisgaar

I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.

Nathan

And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!

Murderface

Oh, you suck! You all suck!

Nathan

Awwww, what's wrong?

Skwisgaar

Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.

Pickles

Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!

Nathan

Attention! You big baby!

Skwisgaar

Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?

Murderface

Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?

Nathan

We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.

Murderface

Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.

Nathan

That's part of the surprise.

Murderface

Why?

Nathan

Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.

Pickles

Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!

Nathan

Well, what do you think?

Toki

Big fat tires and everything!

Murderface

But I already got, like, a million limos.

Pickles

Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]

Nathan

It's all souped up... and desecrated.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.

Pickles

And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!

Toki

And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.

Murderface

You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]

Skwisgaar

Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.

Toki

Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!

Skwisgaar

Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.

Ofdensen

Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.

Skwisgaar

Well, I'm not sorry.

Nathan

Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Toki

Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!

Nathan

I know!

Nathan

Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.

Skwisgaar

Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.

Nathan

Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers.

Nathan

I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.

Murderface

What are those wooden things? Chairs?

They are acoustic instruments.

Toki

What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?

Skwisgaar

A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.

It's your only choice, I'm afraid.

Pickles

Whoa, this is a tough one guys.

Nathan

Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.

Nathan

Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?

Toki

I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.

Skwisgaar

Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!

Toki

Can you?

Skwisgaar

No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.

Nathan

Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?

Toki

Honestly, I was just hitting any note.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.

Toki

THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!

Skwisgaar

[referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!

Nathan

Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!

The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.

Pickles the Drummer

Why don't you... go breathe underwater?

I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface

Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!

This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.

Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth

Hey, how 'bout we compromise...

Nathan Explosion

We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Ofdensen

The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.

Not guilty!

Toki

Well, we wins that.

Nathan

Whatever.

Skwisgaar

You preferred that we'd lose?

Nathan

Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.

Pickles

Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves?

Nathan

Exactly.

Ohhh.

And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian, Buddy Hackett. We'll start this bid at fifty thousand dollars.

Skwisgaar

Oh, I gots to have that.

Fifty thousand. Do I hear sixty thousand?

Nathan

Yeah.

Skwisgaar

This going to be a long night.

Skwisgaar

So, I was thinking of killing myself...

Toki

That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too.

Skwisgaar

Well, how d'you like dat.