Skwisgaar Skwigelf quotes from Metalocalypse

Toki

Mom always hated you most.

Skwisgaar

She hates boths of us, deh most!

Toki

[whispers] I hates you. Seriously.

Skwisgaar

[whispers back] Okay.

Skwisgaar

They laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us.

Toki

That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?

Skwisgaar

He is horribles, Toki. He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.

Toki

But you laugh.

Skwisgaar

I did?

Aye, Comedy ain't never about humor. T'ain't no difference if you ask me.

Toki

But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...

Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!

Skwisgaar

But I bombed and I hates everything!

Aye, but do you hate yourself?

Toki

Hate... myself?

Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.

Toki

[finally understanding] I hate myself!

Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!

We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?

Nathan Explosion

[suddenly] Because.

Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]

William Murderface

Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Huh huh... for pancakes.

As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?

William Murderface

Yes I am.

Skwisgaar

I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?

Skwisgaar

What, you're not talking to me?

Nathan

I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.

William

It's repugnant. I'd rather be Sanded Faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.

Pickles the Drummer

I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.

Nathan

Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?

So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?

Molly

He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!

Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]

William

Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!

Nathan

Yeah me too!

Skwisgaar

Yeah that's for sure!

Toki

[catatonically silent]

Pickles

[enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.

Nathan

[enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!

Skwisgaar

This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!

William

Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!

Skwisgaar

She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!

Nathan

The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.

William

My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Pickles

Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!

William

Of course! We have them put to sleep!

Pickles

No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?

William

Okay.

Pickles

TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -

Skwisgaar

Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?

Nathan

Toki hasn't said one word!

Toki

[still catatonically silent]

William

Maybe they died in their sleep.

[approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?

Pickles

Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?

Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.

Nathan

The studio?

We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!

Pickles

For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!

[still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!

Pickles

The hell you talkin' about?!

Nathan

We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?

William

Yeah!

Help me!

Skwisgaar

Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!

Pickles

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]

William

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]

William

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!

Rose Explosion

You ruined my vagina!

I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!

I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!

Skwisgaar

You slapped at my face.

No, I didn't!

Nathan

Do it again, Toki. Take 164.

Skwisgaar

Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar.

Toki Wartooth

I can hear that. The talkback mike is on.

Skwisgaar

Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?

Toki

I can stills hear you.

Skwisgaar

So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!

Toki

Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.

Toki

Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.

Skwisgaar

Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.

Toki

I believe the cycle of learning is complete.

Skwisgaar

Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.

Pickles

Yeah. And what lesson might that be?

Skwisgaar

I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.

Nathan

[videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.

William

Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.

Pickles

Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?

Nathan

[pause] Let's eat!

Nathan Explosion

Hey! We were watching that.

Pickles the Drummer

Dude, right, so you could make fun of me, I know.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

No way, to compliments you, you were such a beautifuls lady back then. Maybe, yous all favor us with a few make-ups tips.

Pickles the Drummer

Eh hahaha. That's really funny.

William Murderface

It's exciting! Turn it back on! I wanna see what happens!

Pickles

What do you mean? I'm here! That's what happened! That's the end of the story.

William

Well it's boring when you say it.

Pickles

I know.

Toki Wartooth

Pickle? [sigh] this Snakes 'N' Barrel, it's not my cup of tea. It sucks!

Pickles

Well, it's not a nice thing to say, Toki.

Toki

Not my fault it sucks.

Murderface

What if Pickles never comes back? Boy, that'd be totally messed up.

Nathan

Oh come on guys, it's not like this is anyones first band. You'll probably all want to go reunite with your old bands at some point.

Toki

Dethklok is my first band.

Nathan

Oh. Well, one day, you'll want to reunite with us.

Toki

Why? We already together.

Nathan

Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.

Skwisgaar

Actuallys, I thinks that's exactlys what that means.

Nathan

Seriously?

Skwisgaar

You can'ts reunite with a bands that has not brokeds up. They won't let you.

Toki

That sucks. Psch, great.

Nathan

Wait, could we have a "Not Reunion" tour, where we, you know, just come out and like, you know, do a regular show?

Skwisgaar

No, I looked into it.

Nathan

Well that's pretty lame.

Skwisgaar

Well, that's showbiz.