WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!
Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.
PicklesToki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]
I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.
Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
Pickles
Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
Shall I burn it, my lords?
No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
You just missed another spot.
How many times are you going to pass that spot?!
[driving] Where? Which one?
Back there! For God's sake! [Nathan backs up]
I can't see with all these people in here! [another car takes the spot referred to]
Fantastic! [Nathan drives some more around the parking lot]
MMurderface
Ahh, Grandma, he's just trying to drive! Leave him alone and back off!
We don't speak to our grandmothers that way! Take this! [slaps Murderface]
Pickles
Mom! Don't smack Murderface! [gets slapped] Ow!
[Occupant of Other Car] What the hell? You hit my car!
Hey! I have four mothers telling me how to drive! What's your excuse, asshole?!
[Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
MMurderface
Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
[doorbell rings]
Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
MMurderface
Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
[studio laughter]
Noooo. It means we have some guests!
[door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
MMurderface
[aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
[doorbell rings]
MMurderface
I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
[Murderface laughs nervously]
Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
[doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
[enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
Pickles
Dude, we need a doctor over here!
Pickles
Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
MMurderface
Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
.... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
MMuderface
My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
.... I love that my dad's dead.
Pickles
Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
CCalvert
Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Pickles
Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
My dad's fucking awesome.
I don't wants to sounds insensitives, but I means, if Skwisgaar doesn't gets his craps togethers I may really has a shots at beings the leads guitarist! Mes, Tokis! Finallys ams no mores in the shadows! What do you thinks about that, Pickle?
Pickles
Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions?
.... [angrily] Jumps to conclusions?! Whats the fucks is thats supposed to means, huh?!
Pickles
Nothing, nothing-
[Toki grabs Pickles by the shirt and shakes him]
You listens to me, when I's becomes lead guitarists things whats has gots to change arounds here!
Pickles
Fine, fine! Just let go of me, you're squeezing my nipples off!
Pickles
Don't get physical with people!
Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
Pickles
You need some datin' advice from your pals.
Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
Pickles
Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
Pickles
How is that not a real date?
Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
So this girl wants to get it on with you?
That's when she says she ams ovulatings and that's the chances are highs for whats to be pregnants.
Pickles
So she wants to have planned sex with you.
Sex designed to procreate? Ugh! Fucking gross.
Pickles
You can't tell me when to have a boner! That's my business!
And you knows what else? [brings up Caroline's photo on his Dethphone] This is what she looks like!
She looks like a gorilla whats been shaved!!!
Pickles
Yeah, well, your in the hot seat. Look, you want some advice, I got some for you, alright? When the 15th comes, you just gotta listen. Alright?
Pickles
You need listen to your dick Toki. Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do, alright? Listen to your dick.
Yeah, listen to your dick.
And also, don't ever get into a room that you can't get out of.
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
Pickles
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
Pickles
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Pickles
It's part of the show!
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
Pickles
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
Pickles
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
Pickles
Yeah, heard that.
Why didn'ts we brings our jackets?
Pickles
Dudes this is a totally humiliating way to die! Huddled together, like a bunch of homos!
[whispering] Pickles...we need to use each others body heat to stay alive. I'm telling you here.
Pickles
Ugh, just try not to get a boner!
YOU try not to get a boner from me!
Pickles
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
AAssistant
Sir, it's Dethklok.
Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
AAssistant
They claim it's rather urgent.
Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Pickles
Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
Pickles
NO! NOW!
We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Pickles
You're not doing it!
Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
TSToki's Answering Machine
Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
