Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

[reading a pamphlet about Norway] Hey did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?!

Wait a minute, you mean the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?

Yeah.

Oh my God, that's lame! This place is lame.

Admit it Toki, Norway's not brutal.

Danbury, Connecticut is more brutal.

Pickles

Yeah, dude. Tomahawk, Wisconsin, it's way more brutal. At least we got crystal meth!

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Knubbler

Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.

Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!

Oh, gets sushi!

Pickles

Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!

I'm sick of French toast!

Knubbler

We're not getting food, guys.

Why not?!

We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.

Then whys you dos it?

Because I ams a tones-chaser.

That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!

Pickles

[clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.

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[in a tantrum about Dethklok passing on 'Takin' it Easy.'] You know what? Fuck you all! THat's right! [flips them off individually] Fuck you! Fuck you! AND FUCK YOU! What are you doing, Pickles? [camera cuts to Pickles' camera phone shot recording Murderface on his tantrum] ARE YOU FUCKING RECORDING ME ON YOUR CAMERA-PHONE, MOTHERFUCKER?!

Pickles

[puts it away] Yeah, sorry I will put that away it's not appropriate.

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Moving right along-

Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?

Very well.

I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.

Pickles

Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.

Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-

No, because we-

YES! YES! We want spiritual things.

Is that really the reason?

Yup. Right guys?

I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"

Yeaaaah...

I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?

We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.

Right.

To reach things?

Yeah reach...things.

To reach things.

Yup. Conversation over.

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EJEdgar Jonfru

[approaches Skwisgaar and Pickles with a shotgun] This is where it all ends. [loads shotgun]

We're deads!

Pickles

Skwisgaar....before we die...

Yes, my friends?

Pickles

...I- I did it...

Whats are you talkings about?

Pickles

[crying] Last night. I did it. I sucked my own cock last night!

[slight pause, Skwisgaar gives no response to Pickles, who pulls himself together and looks at Edgar]

Pickles

I can die now.

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We are not hiring a replacement manager, it's too fucking soon kemosabe. We're taking on all management uhh... things.

I ams in charge of finance-skial treasuries.

Pickles

And I'm head of financial business affairs.

I'm chief of financial receipts... gathering.

I'm deputy president of financial money.

[dejectedly] And I'ms in charge of snacks... Fucking bullshit!

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Toki Wartooth

[holding a black and white photo of Charles Ofdensen] I misses him Pickle...

Pickles

We all do, Toki, even though we don't say it.

Why don'ts we says it, Pickle?

Pickles

Toki...[sighs] Because admitting sadness... [holds a little locket photo of Ofdensen]....makes you gay.

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Nathan Explosion

All right, check this out, it's scream-activated lighting. [screams, and concert lights turn on to a double-bass pedal beat]

TText

MONEY SPENT ON DETHKLOK INTERIOR DESIGN. SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING- $12 MILLION

See? You come home, it's dark. Where are my keys? [screams, and lights up the keys on a desk] Over there. [to scientists] Put them in every single room in the house!

TText

SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING: IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- $89.9 BILLION

SScientist

I'm afraid that's going to cost an aweful lot of money, I'm just telling you.

FUCK money!

BBand

Yeah, FUCK money.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

This is my platinum practice chambers.

TText

PLATINUM PRACTICE CHAMBER- $6.5 BILLION

I haves a solid rubys metronomes.

TText

SOLID RUBY METRONOME- $8.3 BILLION

And a champagne humidifier.

TText

CHAMPAGNE HUMIDIFIER- $2 MILLION

So fucking expensive that it makes me horny.

Pickles

This is my Endangered Species Furniture Room!

TText

ENDANGERED SPECIES FURNITURE ROOM- $28 MILLION

TText

CALIFORNIA CONDOR BOTTLE OPENER- $5 MILLION - GOLD PLATED MEERKAT SHELF HOLDER- $30 MILLION - GIANT PANDA THROW RUGS- $2 BILLION - GIANT TORTOISE OTTOMAN- $1.5 MILLION - SILVER GAZELLE WALL SCONCE- $4 MILLION - HELTER STORK TIFFANY LAMP- $6 MILLION

Pickles

Seriously guys, fuck money!

TText

TOTAL EXPENDITURES $106,788,500,000

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Wow, what a shit-hole. Look at that stage, it's fucking tiny!

Pickles

Oh wait, no dude, it's just an optical illusion. It just looks small because it's really far away. Check it out, I'll walk all the way over to it. [walks right into the stage] Holy shit! That's tiny!!

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Toki, you gotta let us into your band!

I agrees! I thinks it is just what we needs!

But we already gots a you. Me!

Well fines then. I'll be you! A much betters you!

Pickles

No it'll be perfect! We'll be regular jack-offs! No one will even know it's us if we're in our own tribute group!

You all wants to join Thunderhorse?

Yes! We do! We're gonna take a break from that fucking disgusting asshole rich life. And what better way to do that than by joining a tribute band of the greatest band in the world? Dethklok!

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You do it, I'm not doing it.

Pickles

I'll do it, I don't care.

Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...

See what happens.

Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.

See if you gotta wait for a little...

Go. Go go go go go.

Pickles

I have a beer ticket for one beer please.

What- what is he doing?

What happened?

Pickles

[in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!

You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?

Pickles

[enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!

Yeah, what the hell?

All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!

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CClerk

Next. [Dethklok approaches] Oh, look at you guys, you're a baaand huh? That's REAL exciting! Making fliers huh, so you can get BIG and famous!

[really tired] Uhhh...yeah, you know, we'd like to make some fliers.

CClerk

And what's your band called?

Pickles

[really tired] Uhh we're called, uh, Thun-

CClerk

[mocking] I NEVER HEARD OF THEM! SURPRISE!

[dressed as Skwisgaar] That's whys we am gettings fliers so peoples whats knows what who we are.

CClerk

And you're gonna be a big Rock 'N Roll star huh? Wowwweeeee. Another baaand!

If I wasn't so lethargic from hunger, I'd uh....kick your ass and make copies of it here...copy... [stomach growls loudly] That's my stomach...making that sound...

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You know, uh, guys? It's hard to say this but... I've had my fucking fill of getting back to our roots... And that's because it fucking sucks.

Pickles

I am so glad you said that. I mean the reason we're in Dethklok is because we all paid our dues already!

I didn'ts.....

I says we gets the fuck out of here.

Pickles

But dude we still have to do that benefit. We promised those guys we'd do it!

Thunderhorse promised, not Dethklok. Dethklok's getting the fuck out of here, getting some fucking food!

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Pickles

Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]

Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?

Pickles

[looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!

Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.

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All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.

Pickles

[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?

There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?

Pickles

Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!

That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.

Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.

Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.

I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]