Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

Pickles

Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.

Toki

What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?

Skwisgaar

Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...

Pickles

But don't make a fan your girlfriend!

Murderface

Why not?!

Pickles

Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.

Nathan

...Hi.

Nathan

Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is fucking awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!

Pickles

It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!

Nathan

She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a fucking amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.

Murderface

All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.

...Hi.

Skwisgaar

Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.

Nathan

Sweaty nerds!

Toki

Ugh, cosplay geeks!

Pickles

Dethklok furries!

Skwisgaar

Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.

Toki

[upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!

Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.

Murderface

Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?

It's a galloner...

Nathan

Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?

[moving on] Yeah...

Nice Nathan outfit!

Nathan

Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...

Skwisgaar

Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?

Oh, I do, it's over there...

Skwisgaar

Ams thats supposed to be me?

Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...

Nathan

[clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!

Can you guys ever be serious?

Nathan

[smiling] Oh can I ever be serious? Can I ever be serious, that's a good question. Can I ever be serious? I dunno, I guess THAT'S DOABLE! [applause] Thank you! Thank you, I'm really glad everyone loves my catchphrase!

How come what's-his-face isn't here?

Nathan

What's-his-face...

Uhhh Toki!

Nathan

Toki!

Pickles

Oh Toki's not here!

Nathan

I wonder if we forgot him. I wonder if that's doable. Thank you.

Ofdensen

So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.

Pickles

Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?

Nathan

Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.

Ofdensen

It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.

Nathan

We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!

Pickles

Boy is that ever!

Ofdensen

Either way the media thinks your racists.

Nathan

Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.

Murderface

Yup.

Nathan

Chinese food.

Murderface

Yup.

Nathan

Black, uhhh, liquorice.

Skwisgaar

[about the special costumes Toki made them wear for the Diversity event] Holy shit, guys! We ams dressed likes the fuckings Klans!

Pickles

Toki, your special outfits, while very comfortable, are going to get us killed!

Toki

[watching on TV having been left behind at Mordhaus] Ah, you fuckers left me again!

Murderface

Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]

Toki

[phone rings] Hello?

Murderface

[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!

Toki

Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?

Murderface

We can order pizza!

Toki

Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?

Toki

Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!

Skwisgaar

One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.

Murderface

[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?

Skwisgaar

Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?

Nathan

[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?

Ofdensen

Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!

Pickles

Told you so.

Ofdensen

It's too late.

Skwisgaar

Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...

Toki

Oh what happened?

Skwisgaar

Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...

Pickles

My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A fucking fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!

Nathan

Pickles, calm down!

Pickles

It's true!!

Nathan

Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go fuck herself!

Pickles

Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!

Skwisgaar

Uh, Pickle?

Pickles

Yes?!

Skwisgaar

You should go tell your mom to go fucks herselfs.

Pickles

[infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!

Nathan

Yeah! The family that you hate!

Skwisgaar

And you also calls dems assholes all the times.

Pickles

Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!

Nathan

[shocked] Pickles! Us?!

Pickles

YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.

Nathan

[deep in thought] .....you mean houses.

Pickles

...Yes.

Molly

Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!

Pickles

Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!

Molly

Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!

You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!

You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!

You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!

Pickles

[enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Ofdensen

Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-

Nathan

HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.

Pickles

Why do you need that?

Nathan

It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!

Ofdensen

Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.

Murderface

God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?

Nathan

Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"

Murderface

Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!

Ofdensen

Guys come on, I don't think-

Murderface

CLEAR!!

Pickles

Dude that's pretty awesome!

Murderface

Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?

Pickles

I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.

Murderface

How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?

Nathan

[in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!

Okay, fine. What's going on?

Nathan

I guess I'm just not feeling it.

That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!

Pickles

Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!

Nathan

I don't know.

[with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.

Skwisgaar

[also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.

Nathan

[two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?

Nathan

This vacation, SUCKS! You know, it's all that stupid lady producer's fault! She did this to us on purpose!

Pickles

Well maybe if you hadn't, DESTROYED THE RECORD in the first place...

Nathan

I'm getting tired of this...

Pickles

We wouldn't be here in the first place!

Nathan

I SAID I WAS SORRY!

Pickles

No! You DIDN'T, EVER say you were sorry!

Nathan

IT WAS IMPLIED!!

Pickles

I'D LIKE TO ADD, TO THE...

Nathan

YOU KNOW, THAT I HAVE AN APOLOGY PROBLEM!!!

Get in the van, now!

Pickles

Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?

Skwisgaar

Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?

Murderface

[in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...

Pickles

Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?

Murderface

You said to don't do it, but we diiid!

Skwisgaar

You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.

Murderface

It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...

Pickles

All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]

Murderface

All right!

Skwisgaar

Thanks, Pickle!

Pickles

...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!

Skwisgaar

Oh, thanks you Pickle.

Murderface

[sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!

Skwisgaar

Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]

Pickles

God fucking dammit, go to bed!

Nathan

Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!

Pickles

Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?

Nathan

Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the fuck are you guys doing in his bed?

Pickles

I'd rather not talk about it.

Nathan

Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.

Ofdensen

Oh God, please...please God...

Nathan

I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!

Pickles

[enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]

Murderface

Hey, hey, hey!

Pickles

Get off of me! Get off of me!

Murderface

What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!

Pickles

Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!