OOffdensen
Have you activated the emergency alert system?
Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"
Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"
AMAll Members
"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
WOWeather Official
All alert systems have been looted and robbed.
Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"
PicklesI'd steal that.
What the fuck do you guys even do here?
WOWeather Official
We name the hurricanes, sir.
Pickles
You name the hurricane, that's your job?
WOWeather Official
What should we name this hurricane, sir?
Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.
Oh, it's like a NASCAR...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!
OOffdensen
So it's a car race?
OOffdensen
I'm confused, you want to do a car race?
Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medieval times...
OOffdensen
Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-
No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...
Pickles
[reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murderface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...
OOffdensen
What does this have to do with Dethklok?
Pickles
We are Dethklok!
Pickles
I'm Pickles the drummer
I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok
Pickles
I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.
OOffdensen
I know! But what does this have to do with the music?
Who cares about the music?!
OOffdensen
Well your audience cares-
Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!
OOffdensen
Are you guys truly on board with this idea?
[short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.
Pickles
Me too.
OOffdensen
Good day then. [leaves]
Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.
DDoctor
You're not dying, it's just a cold.
I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.
DDoctor
Did you ever have colds before?
Can'ts you gives us injections?
Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!
DDoctor
Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!
Pickles
That's my cigar...
DDoctor
Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.
[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]
Pickles
Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?
[using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!
[using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...
[laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!
Pickles
[using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!
[using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!
Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.
OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!
Now, that guy was an entertainer.
Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!
Slut! She sluts! Look at her!
Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.
Pickles
What are you talkin' about?
Pickles
Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.
That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.
Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.
Pickles
What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!
Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.
Pickles
And?
Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?
Well...then they sleep with you.
Pickles
Ah yeah, I knew it!
That's his angles! Rights theres!
Pickles
Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!
Pickles
Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!
I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?
Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!
Pickles
Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.
Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...
Gimme fifty thousand dollars.
Well uh, what do you need it for?
For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!
Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-
So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!
All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-
So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?
[long pause]
We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!
Pickles
Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!
Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!
Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!
How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!
Pickles
How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?
Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.
Yeah, it's very suspicious.
No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.
Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?
Pickles
[suspiciously] Yeah.
Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-
...But you guys have a very short attention span.
No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!
Pickles
No we're not!
He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!
We're arguing two different things here!
[the band is blowing up guitars like fireworks and throwing firecrackers around]
[to Pickles] Don't give Murderface any firecrackers, we just have to hold them.
[walks over] Hey, can I have a firecracker?
Pickles
You know what? I think there's some over there. [points to a blank patch of grass]
Where? I don't see any. [bends over muttering, Nathan lights a firecracker, and puts it in Murderface's pants] There's no firecrackers. [the firecracker explodes] AHHH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!
They're down there somewhere, just keep looking.
Alright. [bends over again, Nathan lights another firecracker, sets it in Murderface's pants and it explodes] AHHHH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT AGAIN!
You gotta find these firecrackers, they're down there somewhere.
Pickles
Yeah, they're in the grass, look!
Pickles
Smash your face into the grass and look hard. [Murderface looks some more, while Nathan lights yet another firecracker and sets it in Murderface's pants] There you go, now you got it. [it explodes]
OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER, OW THAT HURT!
OOffdensen
You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.
Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.
Pickles
Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?
OOffdensen
Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.
Pickles
No, I mean he might kill us.
He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.
He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--
Don't fucking do that to me.
Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.
See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.
Pickles
Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.
Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.
[the band, while sightseeing in Norway, go to a Black Metal store.]
This is my olds friend, Vrunkus Snorge.
VVrunkus
Well, if it isn't the commercially successfuls Toki Wartooth.
Guy seems like an asshole.
VVrunkus
I am pagans dropped in this conservative hell that is Norway.
Pickles
Man, what the fuck are you listenin' to?
VVrunkus
This ams a demo tape from my band Hestekuk, what means "a horse's dick". Do you like it?
Pickles
I dunno, it's okay.
Hey, where's all the Dethklok albums?
VVrunkus
I don't sell them. [scoffs] Too digital.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
