William Murderface quotes from Metalocalypse

Find something interesting in there, did you?

Easy Rockso, easy. Don't you think you might have had a little too much cocaine?

RDr. Rockso

[voice wavering] Back off, man. Leave me alone.

Murderface

[hearing a shot being fired] Hey, that's my driving gun! [stands up]

Hey, you're not supposed to wear clothes in the hot tub.

Murderface

I'm freeballing.

RDr. Rockso

[dashes by] K-K-K-K-K-YEAH!

I told you he was funny.

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Pickles the Drummer

She's probably keeping watch, like a hawk.

William Murderface

Yeah, it's another judgemental bird-face band-wrecker.

What?

Murderface

What? Nothing, god you're paranoid. Oh, there's my drink, over there, gotta go!

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Charles Ofdensen

So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...

[The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]

Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Fuck that, I'm going.

Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!

They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.

Toki Wartooth

So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...

Well, uh... financially speaking, you -

Murderface

Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...

Gots to listen to your hearts...

Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!

It's unanimous!

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[The band, sans Nathan, at practice.]

I'ms gettings worrieds. United States Pornography Awards in two days and Nathan hasn't been to rehearsal.

Murderface

That's ladies for you, they rob you of your very essence! They're SOUL MURDERERS!

They're not goods enough for hims! I hates her! Yets... I would totally do's her.

Yeah, me too. So strange, is this mind of men...

[philosophically] Yeah, my little friend... we are... so evolved, yet out animalistic inskinks always remind us of who we really are.

[conclusively] Mens are the beasts... and womens... the demons of the nights...

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[Nathan enters.]

Hey! You feeling all right?

Murderface

[clearly excited] Aw, did she break up with you?

No. But I have some bad news... I can't go to the United States Pornography Awards... I'm not allowed.

Dude, but if you can't go, then we can't play and...[babbles] We can't go! We can't go!!!

I'm sorry...

I wanted to kiss the girls!

I want to die...

WHHHYYYYY?!

You don't understand, she won't let me!

Murderface

Your relationship is messing with our lives! Our lives!

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[The band tries to torture sense into Nathan.]

Your attitude is unacceptable. Why do you like that lady?

Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog! Aroooo!

Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.

Murderface

You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?!

I DON'T KNOW!

Murderface

Toki?

[Toki tasers Nathan.]

It's the most brutal thing ever. It's not like regular hate. It's so much more black. If she were a street gang I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains. But this is different. There's nothing I can do.

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[At the United States Pornography Awards.]

And the awards for the best use of a dildo...

On "Golden Dildo"...

Murderface

Dildo-dildo-a-rooney-roo!

"Kissing Lips, the kissing dildo"...

And the award goes to "Dildo Team Task Force Z".

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PPenelope

Now be nice to this one daddy, I'm sick of you scaring all my dates away!

PSPenelope's Father

Well, if they can't stand the heat, I don't want them near your kitchen! [studio laughter]

PPenelope

I don't even know what that means!

PSPenelope's Father

Well what does this guy do anyway?

PPenelope

He works at this place, the morgue? [studio laughter]

Penelope's Father; Well, at least your mother will like him! [studio laughter]

PPenelope

What?

PSPenelope's Father

Ummm, people must be dying to work with him! [studio laughter]

PSPenelope's Father

Morgue, huh? This one might not scare so easily. [opens the door]

William Murderface

[indignantly] Do you think that a driveway is a funny place for a dog to sleep?! [studio laughter]

Murderface

Uh, this isn't your dog... is it? [studio laughter]

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Oh what the fuck, what a piece of shit.

Murderface

Was I more fat, or was I more stupid-looking? My god I'm hideous.

Who's was thats voice?

It didn't even make sense! [to Ofdensen] You, do whatever it takes, that piece of crap ain't comin' out!

Aw, nots even ons D Vee D?

JGJames Grishnack

Hello boys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Mr. Grishnack, that movie cannot come out. It's crap!

GGrishnack

Now don't be drastic, this happens all the time. We just happened to make another, what you call in this business, a real piece o' shit!

Murderface

So you're not going to release it...

GGrishnack

Normally, a movie like this, I'd just, I'd just eat it and it would die, but since it's you, oh yeah, we're gonna put this out, and it's gonna make the money back. I don't care if it's gonna ruin your careers, I'm making my money back. It's Dethklok in a movie.

That's our reputation you're messing with, Grishnack!

GGrishnack

Alright, dildoes, listen up! I've been fucking over fathead celebrities since you were all shitting in diapers! Now, this movie, it's a 500 million dollar shit sandwich, and you're all gonna take a bite and you're gonna smile cause you love how it tastes! Got it? Now you go out there, your-your adoring public... I wrote all the reviews! Nobody knows what a good movie is anymore! Just shut up and smile! Remember: shit sandwich, tastes great! Now go!

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Charles Ofdensen

Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.

Pickles the Drummer

So they're gonna die?

No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.

That... that's a different thing!

Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -

Nathan Explosion

Right, well, anything else?

Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.

William Murderface

Here's the new merch!

Dis is... times travels face bag.

Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?

[voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.

Toki Wartooth

Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!

Murderface

[removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?

It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!

Murderface

I must have traveled through time itself!

We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.

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Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!

Why do fans, feel that they have to do that? I mean what, to get noticed?

Murderface

I know, there's so many nice kids out there, and just a couple of them gotta attack you? Spoils it for everyone!

I know. Sad... Sad for them.

It is sad! It's sad for them!

Murderface

It's pathetic, it just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.

Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey guys, DOWN HERE!

IT'S US, DETHKLOK, STRANDED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

Murderface

Oh, I hope they brought some fuckin' food!

I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?

Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape, persuasion...

That's what I'm talkin' about!

Murderface

Oh look, firecrackers!

Oh, let's steal them!

Murderface

I remember when I was a child -

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OOffdensen

Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here. You'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so... [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is Murderface's knife on a plate] Uh. Nothin'?

Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? Y'know, before you start with all this... robotic crap? I mean, am I wrong?-

Murderface

Yeah, you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work, you ugly humps!" [offended] Ugly humps?!

You're like a robot. You're like an... emotionless robot.

Yeah. He is a robot.

Robot.

You're a robot.

Murderface

Robots are not to be trusted...

OOffdensen

Okay, fine. Uh. How are... all of you?

Hows ares wes? WE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!

Toki, you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.

Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?

Aw, go ahead. I don't want no more.

OH, YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!

OOffdensen

Uh... I'm sorry, what is that?

Oh, this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.

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You wanted to, talk to me ?

Murderface

Oh yeah. Sit down.

No, thank you. I'll stand.

Oh. We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.

You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets?

No... about calling you a robot.

You're not a robot.

No, you're not a robot.

Not a robot.

Murderface

No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.

Mm-hmm.

Ands, listens, you's the bests butler we's ever had, so we no wants yous to quit.

I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all, then?

That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...

You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?

Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.

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OOffdensen

Oh, and remember, start thinking about that new record.

Murderface

ROBOT!

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OOffdensen

It should be clear at this point that Toki is concerned about his role in the band.

What do you mean? He's, he's the rhythm guitar player, am I right?

OOffdensen

Yes, he, is, but he's been complaining that he doesn't get enough spotlight. And it's become apparent, uh, in the media. Take a look at that. [throws down a magazine that reads "Will Toki go to War for More Notes?"]

What does he care? He don't even practice or nothin'. He doesn't write, he just shows up. That guy doesn't do anything!

HEY! He makes sandwiches, alright?

Murderface

I make sandwiches.

WOAH! THAT GUY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!

OOffdensen

Well, uh, he is a band member, so try to, be nice to him.

Murderface

[contemptuously] HEY HEY! Why don't you just uhhh, why don't you just get out of here and let the big boys deal with this one. Or maybe just write it down in that stupid little book, you know, you file away with all receipts for your lollipops and your pretzels, idiot.

OOffdensen

[offended] Uhh... excuse me?

Murderface

I'm just messing with you, man! [snickers]

OOffdensen

You uh, sure about that?

Murderface

[ingenuinely]] Yeah, just pallin' around. Just being a little dick, you know.

OOffdensen

Fine then, good day. [leaves]