Murderface[Nathan, Murderface and Pickles are outside Skwisgaar's room] Okay you two, being a dick takes a lot of work. The objective guys, is to drive somebody crazy.
PNPickles & Nathan
Yeah, alright.
Murderface
Skwisgaar's in there practicing away, let's drive him crazy. Follow my lead, and try to keep up...
Murderface
[in a very high pitched voice] So uh... sounds like Toki's really gettin' going over there with a new guitar teacher!
[also high pitched] Yeah, I went by his room... dude. He was doing stuff on that guitar, I was like, 'What? I ain't never heard nothin' like that!'
Murderface
[still high pitched] I was like, 'Are you speeding up a tape with a guitar solo on there?!'
[very robotic in his voice] I-was-like-that-too! But-then-I-found-out-that-he-was-not!
Murderface
[high pitched] No, he wasn't! He was really doin' it!
[high pitched] Hey- OH, HI, SKWISGAAR!
[has stopped playing and has been listening to them] So he's getting prettys good, huh?
Murderface
[normal voice] Yes, he's getting quite good.
If you don't minds, I maybe wants to bes by myself for a second?
[muffled through the door] NOOOOOOOOO!
OOffdensen
I can not, in good faith, sign off on this citizen's firing.
OOffdensen
Because, uh, some of the other band mates neglected to vote.
Murderface
I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Voting sucks!
I was actually the president of the voting-sucks club in high school.
Well, I never got re-elected.
Murderface
Get 'er done!
OOffdensen
Well, Toki, I don’t know what to say. Either you work this out with Skwisgaar, or you’ll have a bigger decision to make.
No, I nots works its out! [leaves the room.]
See? See! Right there! I can’ts even talks to him! He’s unrationals!
OOffdensen
Well..there you go.
Thanks you. And nows, I demonstrates the name of the string. Dis one i-is an E. And uh, Dere’s another E, heres, and the G, and the P, and the C. Those are what’s called, the fret. [gets nervous] Dat’s, Dat’s not a string, but its, its near the string and- uh, nevermind dat, lets..play the scale, dat’s the major scales on the guitars, string, [heart beats faster.] No! I can’ts dos this!
Can’ts do this anymore master, I can’ts take more piano lessons!
Whatever! I just wish I could be...[cries]
Shhhhh…shhh. It’s just as well. I’m dying boy. I’m dying. [coughs]
Toki! Stop! I wants yous to have this. Dis is ans importance to you. Dat you have, a magical things with dat guys right there, and I now know, dat you never gots good at guitars. So, its ok for you to have dis relations-ips.
[from a balcony] HEY! OVER HERE! I'M SORRY! I KNOW IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE MANIPULATED YOU! IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK I WOULD! I WAS WRONG!
Skwisgaar! Yous were afraids that I was better than you?
[also from a balcony] STOP! OVER HERE! DON'T QUIT THE BAND TOKI! I'M SORRY! I SHOULDN'T HAVE MANIPULATED THE SITUATION!
IT'S NATHAN! UM I ALREADY SAID ALL THAT STUFF, LIKE, ALREADY.
Yes Toki. Deh bands needs you. Even thoughs you don'ts do nothing.
Murderface
[also from a balcony] STOOOOP! I'M SORRY! SORRY ABOUT BEING A DICK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO SUPPRESS THE URGE OF RUINING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES! WHY DOESN'T EVERY ONE OF YOU JUST GO KILL YOURSELF, IDIOTS! I'M SORRY I'M JUST BEING A DICK!
Wowee. You really are...my family.
Boy...I just wanna say one thing before I go. I love you boy. [coughs] I...love...yee- [dies]
So that's just a rough mix of some of the stuff you've been uh...working on.
That's kinda nots too terriblys uh...wonderful is it now? Am I right?
Murderface
No no no, it's not it's uh...dragging.
Yeah yeah, it's just...it's just too confining.
Murderface
Sorry if we have very learn-ed sensitive musical ears.
Yeah. Toki is right, sorry if we got very good ears.
Murderface
Uh...Murderface, that's Murderface, I'm Murderface, that's my name.
It sounds like microchips.
Yeah, Pickles is right you know. Who was clearly the one who said that.
I just said that, not Pickle!
Uh, that's a good Pickles impression that's for sure. Right Pickles?
I SAID "RIGHT PICKLLLLLLES!!!"
It sounds like microchips. In ones and zeros-
You guys are fucking deaf! You know that? You can't tell the difference between anything! Can you fucking hear me? DAMMIT CAN ANY OF YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!
OK, we've moved all the tracks onto water, so you wanna take 5 on the horsing around?
....
Hey hey! Record this ready? Ready?
Okay. [recording sequence starts] Pbbbbbbbb ohhhh ahhhhh oh la la la la la la [claps five times] Play that back for me Pickles. [Pickles plays it back]
Murderface
It's actually clearer than when he did it.
Hey play that back for me one more time, Pickles, just one more time. [Pickles does so] Yeah I gotta get a copy of that for myself. On water.
Murderface
Yeah! Burn it on water! [more talking at once] I'm gonna throw up! RECORD IT I'M GONNA THROW UP!
Okay! Press record, record quick quick! [Knubbler pushes a button labeled "Record"; Murderface throws up]
Oh that's gonna sound good!
Yeah, I'm gonna add it to my water collection!
Why do they have us right here in front of all these dildos?
Yeah, I mean, we're like, right in front of everything.
Ya, it's likes, deys, gawking at us, likes, a bunch of fish that can'ts close their eyes.
Look at that guy. Right there.
Murderface
Oh, look at that one.
Nathan:: Look at that douchebag.
Murderface
Look at that douchebag.
Murderface
Look at that douchebag.
Looks at thats douchebag!
Murderface
Douchebag.
STSkwisgaar/Toki/Murderface/Pickles
Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag...
I'm getting so irritated by these stupid fans!
Murderface
[dialing a number on his dethfone] Hey we just saw you on TV at the parade! It was awesome! [whispers] Hey when you get back, we're gonna have a surprise party!
Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! [Murderface continues talking] Gimme the phone! GIMME THE PHONE!
Murderface
HOLD ON! Here's Nathan. [gives phone to Nathan]
Hiiiiiii! WE JUST SAW YOU ON THE PARADE! IT WAS GREAT!
Murderface
I SAID THAT ALREADY!
Oh yeah! WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!
Murderface
I SAID THAT ALREADY!
[plugging his other ear] IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!
Ask them what they want at the-
I will! I will! Hold on! Hold on!
We gets the bounce house!
Tell 'em about the BALLOONS!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE BALLOONS! [Offdensen enters the room] I gotta go, goodbye. [hangs up]
OOffdensen
What were you going on the phone? You're supposed to be doing your jobs.
Murderface
Jobs? I play bass not to have a job!
OOffdensen
You're supposed to be preparing for the concert! Nathan, you're in charge. How's rehearsal going?
Well it umm... uhhh oh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good.
Murderface
Hold on, this guy doesn't look like me! He's hideous, he's grotesque, look at 'im!
OOffdensen
Actually, Murderface, he--
Murderface
Look at that head, that disgusting forehead, that stupid-shaped hair, beady eyes, like, stupid flat nose, wide hammer-ass, chicken-plucked legs idiot! (addressing Offdensen) You need to get your eyes checked, you piece of shit! This guy doesn't look like me!
Murderface
(dejectedly) Oh God, he looks just like me...
You ever think of just, you know, giving it all up?
Ah, you means, like, kills yourself.
No. What? No, I mean, like, stopping being famous, become a regular old jackoff.
Murderface
...And so then kill yourself?
No, no, stopping being famou...yeah, you can kill yourself if you want to.
You know, it would be great, to walk down the street, and not be bothered for once.
I don't know, walk down the street, you know.
I don't know, walk to a store. Walk to a store.
Then buys it on the internet, have it delivered!
I know I can buy it on the internet, but what if I want to walk to the park, you know, and look at swans?
Well maybe you should have thought about that before you got famous!
OOffdensen
Well..uh, I'm afraid its time to say goodbye to your doubles.
OOffdensen
I know they are, Toki.
Then we do we gotta say goodbye to 'em?
OOffdensen
BECAUSE, Pickles, they no longer look like you, that was the point. Their skin is burned, they dont even have features.
What if we burned ourselves to look like dems! Dens maybes we could keeps them!
Murderface
That would work! You know it would! Come on, lets burn ourselves!
OOffdensen
That is out of the question, Murderface, you are not going to burn-
Murderface
Your out of the question!
OOffdensen
I'm afraid its time for you to, uh, say goodbye to your doubles now.
Let us do it, its better if they hear it from us. Because we're them, after all.
Ya know, theres never an easy ways to dos this.
Yeah, but ya know, sometimes, we're out of options, sometimes.
Ya know, business is not personal. And...in this case, its.. it is.. cause its us.. your us.. and..
Ugh. I hate having to say this, but...
Murderface
Easy, easy, I got a smoother way of, uh, explaining it here. Guys, uh..I don't know..[begins digging into his pocket acting as if he is scratching] itch or cramp 'er something...pulls up his shotgun] See the thing is- [Murderface fires his gun]
Murderface
My god, how can you eat that?!
(Mouthful) What are you talking about? This is a hot dog.
Murderface
How can you even put that in your mouth?
Are you trying to tell me you've never had a hot dog?
Murderface
No.
Murderface
No way, I ain't putting anything shaped like that in my mouth!
Murderface
No.
Murderface
No, not sausage!
What about that sausage, that was cut up into little pieces?
Murderface
Uh no, cause it looks- it's like a chopped up cock.
What about like a sandwich?
Murderface
A flat one?
Murderface
Yeah, if it were a flat sandwich.
Okay, what about a sandwich shapped like a dick?
Murderface
NO, that's the point! What kind of sandwiches are shaped like dicks?!
(Chuckling) I don't know, like -
Murderface
A hot dog? NO!
Man, you think about penises in mouths all the time, don't you?
Murderface
SHUT UP!!! GOD!
Murderface
Oh God, give me my wipes!
Well you did, yeah. Yeah you said- you said "Penis in mouth" about a hundred times today.
Murderface
No, because it was like "Oh, you've never had a hot dog". I just wanted to say "No", and it would be fine. And then "Oh, what about this and what about that" and "No it's like a dick and no it's like a dick". You guys do it all!
Wow, you really keep thinking about dick all day long.
Yeah, you do. You keeps bringing up the subject.
Murderface
YOU BRING IT UP! I just said I don't! No, I wanted it over. GOD!
I would eat the hot dogs. (Short Pause) Just putting it out there.
Hey, am I going crazy or these clothes tight, like extra tight?
Yeah, it feels like I'm this sausage, you know?
Murderface
Oh, just stop with the innuedos, please?!
It wasn't even an in- I just said "You lept to a conclusion".
Murderface
I do agree, these clothes are un-fucking-comfortable.
Murderface
Oh, Toki shut up!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
