Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.
Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!
Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!
MurderfaceJeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!
Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!
Murderface
Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Academy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!
Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.
Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.
[Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]
BDBlues Devil
I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.
Murderface
Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?
Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.
BDBlues Devil
Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]
Murderface
Well, see, our lawyer is not here.
Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.
[holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...
Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
Murderface
Thank you.
And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
Murderface
Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
Murderface
I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
Murderface
Mmmmmmm.... Reeeligggion... mmm... reeeeeligiiiiion... mmmmmmmmmm... religggion...
Pffft, this is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?
You mean you don't believe in God. There is such a thing as religion.
Well prove it! Show me a miracle that religion exists!
Well, uhh, there's a Bible right there.
Well... maybe I re-evaluates my life.
Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!
Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?
Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!
I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!
PBPrayer Bolt Lead Singer
Yeah! Praise the lord!
Murderface
I've seen enough. Pretty good.
What kind of church is this?
This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.
Oh, uhh, what does that mean?
Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.
Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?
No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.
Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?
Murderface
Shhh! Quiet!
APAtheist Priest
Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...
APAtheist Priest
Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!
[informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.
APAtheist Priest
Get 'em!
They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.
Murderface
[peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.
I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.
What do you mean? Why do you say that?
Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!
Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.
Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!
Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!
Toki is losing his mind, he is.
[drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.
Murderface
I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.
[has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?
Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...
Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.
[quietly] Well, fire him then!
Murderface
Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!
Murderface
Well, because, too emotional and - I'll probably have to cancel it, awh darn!
If you really want to fire Toki, I can begin processing the paperwork, but before we do that, I ah, I might have plan.
Toki, what were you thinkin?! Hanging out with clowns?!
Why didn't you call us?! You've got a cellphone! Why didn't you use it? Where were -
You're going out all night with guns, and ya know, guns... y'know, they're cool so... What am I saying here?
Back off jack-off, it wasn't his fault.
I gives that clowns a little of bit of a smack.
Your friend ha. Drunks driving before a tour! Shooting ze guns, huh?
Yeah, he's not a real friend.
What kinds of a friends takes on such a godless endeavor? What if you hurt your pinky finger huh? No more tour.
Yeah. What if you hurt your hands?
Yeah, you're being a selfish prick.
William Murderface
...I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I did today.
Yeah, what the fuck, Toki? There's no such things as clowns.
Aww come on, how come I can't have a friend who's a clown? He makes me laugh, ha ha ha!
I should be asleep right now. This is a waste of time.
It's metal to like clowns.
EEEverybody Else
No, it's non-metal.
Murderface
Don't try to tell us it's metal because it's not. We know that trick.
Clowns are, statistically, the most hated of all creatures.
Statisticallies or not, but, uh, just don'ts likes this guy.
Okay, it's late. Let's just all calm down and discuss this in the morning. May we offer you a ride home?
[talking to Klokateer] Give him whatever he wants. [whispers] Put the boots to him, medium style.
Hey, you sound like crap, Murderface, what's wrong with you?
Murderface
I just can't seem to get comfortable. I ran out of clean underwear so I'm wearing a bathing suit.
Murderface
What am I gonna do, not wear underwear?
Yeah, it's called freeballing.
Yeah, I mean I only wear underwear only about... [counts on his fingers] 65% of the time, honestly, otherwise I'm just freeballing.
Murderface
That's... Really?
Oh ja, in Sweden , underwears is y'know, the kinky stuff, worn as a fetish ja, but you know the exciting sexual stuff? is always freeballing.
Murderface
Freeballing huh? Well, I'll give it a try.
Murderface
Wow - I feel pretty good, this freeballing's amazing.
You actuallies been playing ze, almost the bass that can be listens to lately, Murderface, y'know, maybes we even turns it up on the next album.
Murderface
I think it's this freeballing. Pickles, I can not thank you enough. If only the whole world freeballed - no wonder those Arabs're wearing their dresses.
Oh, that's Dr. Rockso. Yeah, I invites him over. No big deal.
Oh, no, Toki! You don'ts have to always compensates, alright, we pays more attentions to you.
Screw that psychological mambo-jambo, I just likes to laugh, ha ha!
Hey don't run, it's wet! I thought we agreed, no clowns!
No, we didn't agreed on nothing, we just all yelled and then he was beaten, thats was our conclusions.
Aw, damn, I don't want that asshole around here.
Oh boy, gets readies for a lots of screamings.
Murderface
Normally, that painted dildo would piss me off, but lately, I've made friends with a distinguished old gentleman sitting on two duffle bags. I'm free, downstairs. Think about it.
K-K-K-K-K-K-YEAH! IT'S ME DR. ROCKSO, THE ROCK AND ROLL CLOWN!
Ha ha ha! [laughs] I just cracks up every time!
Well wipe your feet before you come in here?
Hey business man, what you do for a living, sell shoes? K-K-YEAH...
May I have a short word with you?
Oh yeah, you are short. Ohhhhhh yeah.
Murderface
Ha.
Who wants to watch a rock-sclusive Dr. Rockso music video?
Oh me, this gots to be hilarious.
I'd rather die then watch your fucking video, how 'bout that?
Oh I caught that! But that's okay, Dr. Rockso forgives ya. Now, I'm gonna show you boys that you're not the only ones that know how to rock. This one was banned from Music Television because you can see my junk... through my jumpsuit.
Murderface
I believe that is what is known as... freeballing.
It's called "I'm Just A Rock And Roll Clown."
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
