Nathan Explosion quotes from Metalocalypse

Nathan! I have your test results.

Nathan

Aww, you open it, I... I can't stand the pressure.

Let's see here, okay, uh... it's a, uh... zero. No questions were answered.

Nathan

Awww... DAMN! SERIOUSLY?!

How could you... not have known that?

Nathan

Do you think you're better than me?

I took the liberty of writing your Harvard commencement speech.

Nathan

[Still angry] Thanks!

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Nathan

[reading the speech] Harvard... solutions... solutions to you.

[whispers to him] Salutations!

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William Murderface

Can you pass that Prozac shaker? [Pickles hands him shaker]

Pickles the Drummer

[takes a spoonful from the box of ice cream Murderface is eating] Awww, this is soy ice cream! Skwisgaar!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

[responds lethargically] Huuuh?

...

Maybe I'm not perfect?

Nathan Explosion

At least you're not the fattest ugliest lead singer alive [holds up magazine cover] with horrible skin!

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Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.

Wha - where are we?

MPMashed Potato Johnson

We in the south! The birth place of the blues.

Nathan

Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!

Nathan

My GOD, I have let myself go...

You have put on a few pounds lately -

Nathan

You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!

Toki Wartooth

What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!

Nathan

The blues.

Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!

You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.

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Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.

Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!

Nathan

Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!

Jeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!

Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!

Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Academy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!

Nathan

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.

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Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.

[Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]

BDBlues Devil

I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.

Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?

Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.

BDBlues Devil

Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]

Well, see, our lawyer is not here.

Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.

Nathan

[holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...

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This will do just fine!

Dirty worthless hippies!

This guys is way too happy!

Make them wish they was never born! Give the blues!

Nathan

Somebody slap my sunburned back. [William smacks his back, and yells in agony] I can feel pain again! ...I'm ready!

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William Murderface

Ohhh... a bass.

Nathan Explosion

Yeah, I figured... you know, you play bass so uh -

Oh thanks, thank you. Jus' put that over there -

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Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.

Thank you.

Toki Wartooth

And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!

Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?

I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?

Oooookay.

Nathan

AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!

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Mmmmmmm.... Reeeligggion... mmm... reeeeeligiiiiion... mmmmmmmmmm... religggion...

Pffft, this is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?

Nathan

You mean you don't believe in God. There is such a thing as religion.

Well prove it! Show me a miracle that religion exists!

Nathan

Well, uhh, there's a Bible right there.

Well... maybe I re-evaluates my life.

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Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!

Nathan

Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?

Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!

I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!

PBPrayer Bolt Lead Singer

Yeah! Praise the lord!

I've seen enough. Pretty good.

[backs away into crowd]

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Nathan

What kind of church is this?

This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.

Nathan

Oh, uhh, what does that mean?

Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.

Nathan

Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?

No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.

Nathan

Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?

Uhhh, I don't know.

Shhh! Quiet!

APAtheist Priest

Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...

APAtheist Priest

Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!

[informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.

APAtheist Priest

Get 'em!

They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.

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[peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.

I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.

What do you mean? Why do you say that?

Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!

Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.

Nathan

Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!

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Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf

Toki is losing his mind, he is.

Pickles the Drummer

[drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.

I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.

Nathan Explosion

[has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?

Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...

Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.

[quietly] Well, fire him then!

Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!

Why?

Ja, why?