Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!
Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!
Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!
SSkwisgaar (flashback)
You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!
NNathan (flashback)
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
OOfdensen (flashback)
You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
[enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-
NathanHEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.
Nathan
It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!
Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.
God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?
Nathan
Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"
Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!
Guys come on, I don't think-
Dude that's pretty awesome!
Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?
I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.
How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?
Nathan
[in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!
DDick
Okay, fine. What's going on?
Nathan
I guess I'm just not feeling it.
DDick
That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!
Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!
Nathan
I don't know.
DDick
[with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.
[also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.
Nathan
[two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?
Nathan
This vacation, SUCKS! You know, it's all that stupid lady producer's fault! She did this to us on purpose!
Well maybe if you hadn't, DESTROYED THE RECORD in the first place...
Nathan
I'm getting tired of this...
We wouldn't be here in the first place!
Nathan
I SAID I WAS SORRY!
No! You DIDN'T, EVER say you were sorry!
Nathan
IT WAS IMPLIED!!
I'D LIKE TO ADD, TO THE...
Nathan
YOU KNOW, THAT I HAVE AN APOLOGY PROBLEM!!!
SSoldier
Get in the van, now!
Nathan
Okay, did you remember to pack your deady bear?
Nathan
Kay, you got your fluoride whore's blood extra-whitening toothpaste with flavor crystals?
Nathan
You got your pentagram crackers, right?
Nathan
You got your severed fingerpaints?
Nathan
You got your Dante's Inferno Seven Layers of Hell coloring book?
Nathan
You got your My Little Disemboweled Pony lunch box, right?
Nathan
You got your Rock-A-Rooni disguise so no one knows who you are, right?
[puts on a baseball cap] Yeps, as long as I wears dis, no one will knows that I'm famous!
Nathan
Good. And of course, you got your insulin and your needles, right?
Yeps, never leaves my sides.
Nathan
Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!
Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?
Nathan
Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the fuck are you guys doing in his bed?
I'd rather not talk about it.
You know what? Dis ams bullshit! I'm not just some dildo jack-off campers! My names Toki Wartooth, and I'm in Dethkloks! [audience gasps at his identity] Now I'ms taking my snow globes and gettings the fuck outta here! [turns to get his snow globe, which is missing from it's spot] Oh no, where's my snow globes?
BBully
You mean thiiiis? [holds up the snow globe and smashes it on the ground, Toki stands upset] Oops. [laughs]
Nathan
[picking up the snow globe] Oh shit little kid...you just fucked up real bad...
Nathan
[in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.
Nathan
I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.
Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?
Nathan
Getting better, getting warmer]
FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]
[in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?
Nathan
[trying to ignore him] Kind of.
[in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
Nathan
Oh God...
Imagine a child, so horrific looking...
Nathan
Uh huh...
That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
Nathan
Yeah, you right?
Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...
Nathan
You.
...that he looks...and acts like me!
Nathan
You.
Nathan
Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...
You're just not getting it. Listen to me-
Nathan
YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!
Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-
Nathan
I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?
I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-
Nathan
GET OUT OF HERE!!!
DDoctor
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You've been jacking off so hard, that you've got advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Whatever.
Nathan
So uhh, you're saying we were touching our...you know whats too much? [Abigail giggles] Hey this is serious stuff! Stop giggling!
AAbigail
I'm not, I'm being serious.
DDoctor
You must refrain from masturbating for the next three months. But beware, you will experience withdrawal, hallucination, sexual nightmares, gender issues. Without masturbation, men and women will go insane!
Nathan
Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.
Oh God, please...please God...
Nathan
I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!
[enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]
Get off of me! Get off of me!
What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!
Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!
Nathan
[at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!
DDick
Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.
Nathan
Uhh...okay y-yeah.
Explains the sounds a bit...to them.
Nathan
Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...
Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...
Nathan
Extra...it has to be more than...
It has to be, you know, more dans the...
Nathan
Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.
Dat's the idea. So do dats.
Nathan
There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
Nathan
All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!
DDick
Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.
Nathan
Session guys?
DDick
Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.
Nathan
Oh, I don't know. What do you think?
I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...
Nathan
All right, let's do it.
DDick
Let's send these jerks home.
[to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
