Henry Blake quotes from M*A*S*H

Klinger

[reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"

Henry

You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

Henry

[pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?

Klinger

Yes, sir.

Henry

[going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Klinger

Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

It all depends on HQ.

Henry

HQ.

Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?

Henry

Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.

Who's Colonel Flagg?

Radar

Sir Captain Stone to see you.

My name isn't Stone, it's Martinez, but you can call me Pratt.

Henry

Oh Boy..but .Stone is definitely out.

Henry

You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!

Margaret

Which one of them said that?!?!

Henry

I'm not finking, Major.

Hawkeye

(After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (While chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).

Henry

Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!

Hawkeye

(looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.

Henry

Bring me back something.

Hawkeye

No chance. We're gonna be careful.

Frank

Colonel, you are not listening to me!

Henry

Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.

Henry

Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.

Hawkeye

On the teeth?

Right smack on.

Hawkeye

If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

Frank

As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

Margaret

How splendid, Major.

Henry

Very good, Frank.

Lovely.

Hawkeye

Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Henry

Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.

Radar

I'll tell you later, sir.

Henry

You always say that, Radar, but you never do.

Henry

Outta the way, Klinger.

Klinger

I've gotta have the password, Colonel.

Henry

Bullfeathers!

Klinger

That was LAST week's password.

Henry

How'd you know my size?

Radar

(proudly) I traced you while you were asleep!

Henry Blake

Don't do that!

Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir?

Henry Blake

Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.

Yes sir, you wanted to see these? [pushing sheaf of papers to Henry]

Henry Blake

How do you know that?

That's why you called me.

Henry Blake

Oh yeah.

[reaching for different papers] You wanted me to take these sir?

Henry Blake

[absently] Yeah.