BJ Hunnicutt quotes from M*A*S*H

Corporal, what's the proper procedure for filing a morning report?

Klinger

Yes, sir. The proper disposition of daily data, as per army regulation D252 Section R, Paragraph 6, is to fill it out, file one copy, forward the others, and faint if they actually get there. [The officers are stunned] Well, how did I do?

Charles

Gentlemen, before we adjourn, there is the matter of one Corporal Elmo Hitalski, a most worthy and deserving soldier.

Hawkeye

Him again?

Charles

Admittedly, he's not perfect. But who is?

You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.

Klinger

The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!

Hawkeye

Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.

Klinger

How about billiard balls?

What?!

Klinger

A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.

Now, that must have been some shot.

Hawkeye

Can he breathe?

Klinger

Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.

Well, he was half right.

I refuse to lie.

And you call yourself a PR man.

I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.

One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.

Mulcahy

What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.

Hawkeye

When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Margaret

I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Charles

Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?

There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?

Klinger

Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?

Charles

Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

Hawkeye

All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.

Surprise me?

Hawkeye

Yeah.

It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.

Relax, you're gonna love it.

That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.

Hawkeye

What?

"The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. "

Hawkeye

Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.

Charles

Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.

Klinger

Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.

Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.

Hawkeye

I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.

Margaret

What's the matter?

Hawkeye

What's the matter?!

What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!

Hawkeye

Each!

Margaret

You men. You always worry about little things.

Charles

If I don't find a way to hear some music soon, I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.

Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?

Charles

I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.

Maybe you could go over to the O-Club and play 'em on the jukebox. Nobody there this early.

Charles

That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.

Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside I was laughing to beat all hell.

Hawkeye

Yeah, we're laughing just thinking about it.

We'll all have a good laugh like this.

Well, I'd better get out of here (he climbs aboard Sophie)

Hawkeye

Colonel, before you go...

We've been thinking about it. There's something we'd like to give you.

Hawkeye

It's not much, but it comes from the heart. (Standing at attention, Hawkeye and B.J. salute Potter, who returns the salute before riding off)

Latin for "always faithful".

Hawkeye

Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.