Is it dead, Al?
It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Nah, now it's personal.
S2 E15Build a Better Mousetrap
[Al is going into the basement.]
Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]
Is it dead, Al?
It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Nah, now it's personal. Not only will I catch this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And, if there's any life left in its twitching, little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open, and make it watch Thirtysomething.
Did you hear any noises last night, Mom?
Well, your father had gas.
No, these were noises I've never heard before.
Well, it could have been a girl moaning your name.
Bud (to Kelly): Did you hear any noises last night? For a moment, I thought they were coming from your room, but they weren't the usual noises. You know, the whispers...(whispering): "Quiet. You'll wake up my parents." Then the sounds of eight feet heading for the window, followed by the sounds of loose change hitting the pillow.
You know, Bud. With your good looks, you could be a model. I can see it now: your face on a poster that reads, "My Daddy Didn't Use A Condom."
Did you hear any noises last night, Dad?
Ah, it was probably me sobbing.
This is just great. "Daddy, I need money." "Daddy, I need food." "Daddy, I need you to check on a mouse with a broken neck." For once, I'd like it to be, "Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking the kids."
Well, that takes care of that. The traps are set, and that mouse has seconds to live. So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt, and he's defeated the enemy.
Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here mice are pretty intelligent.
Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.
[Al makes a tiny circle with his forefinger and thumb]
Mine's at least twice that size.
Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.
Why are you so afraid of a little mouse anyway?
Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother and I kept it in my room. I slept with it, and snuggled it, and kissed it. Then one day it got sick.
And still you go on kissing others.
(Peggy shoots Al a look)
Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher, and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?". She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up. And then all the kids threw up. And then they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face / Worms in your hair / Where's the little mouse girl? / There, there, there". (She points)
(Al and the kids burst out laughing)
(hurt) Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.
Well kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she has cooties.
Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are just some things from childhood you just can't forget.
I hope that isn't true, Mom.
How about a hug?
Can't, Mom. You got cooties.
S2 E16Master the Possibilities
They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Sure.
Then it's a-prison he'll be going.
Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?
Everyone said no?
No. Everyone said, "Get lost, deadbeat."
You know, the sad part about this is I lied about my income.
Peg (sympathetically): I do too, honey.
Bud is entertaining two girls
G1Girl #1
Oh Bud, I never realized how handsome you are.
G2Girl #2
Thanks for the TVs.
Doorbell rings
Excuse me ladies, it is probably my massuesse.
Bud answers door to be greeted by Steve
Good evening Mr. Rhoades. What can I do for you?
I wanted to talk to your father. He knows a lot about cars; maybe he could help me figure out why my new Mercedes is getting 3 miles per gallon.
My parents are not home right now. Steve sees girls on couch Look, I don't want to be a bad host, but if you come later? I think I am close to fully understanding "Hef".
There is something else I want to talk about. Your father has been recently acquiring a lot of stuff. I want some stuff. How did he come into all this?
I should not say.
G1Girl #1
Bud, is this going to take long? We need to go soon.
Steve{chucking}: But I have all night.
OK, Mr. Rhoades, you win. They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Sure.
Then it's a-prison he'll be going.
S2 E17Peggy Loves Al - Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.