Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.
S2 E2Poppy's by the Tree: Part 2
You can't let it alone, can you, Peg? This is nice. "Why can't we go to Hawaii? Why did we have to come here? Why do we have to take this car?" You know, standing here with my loving family, I have a question: why am I running from the axe?
Okay. Family meeting.
Alright, now, let's discuss what we know already. We're trapped by a killer. The phones are dead. And the sheriff couldn't catch an M & M in his mouth.
S2 E3If I Were a Rich Man
They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.
[The radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household.]
AAnnouncer
And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
[Al enters the house.]
I'm home!
Listen, Al. Monday, when they check the duty roster, one word is gonna come down from above: Rhoades. And I will have one word for them: Bundy.
Listen, Steve. I didn't take it!
AL! We're talkin' 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers. And don't think I'm servin' time alone, bunkie. If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing the soap!
I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.
Oh, honey that's not true. You're not.
Kelly (as she's writing down the things she can buy with the money Al allegedly took): A cashmere sweater, a CD player...(lustfully): David Lee Roth chained to my bed!
Some fat woman came into the store and yelled at me. And she went out and fell right on her ass.
S2 E4Buck Can Do It
Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
BBuck
What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
BBuck
Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?
Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.
AOAnnouncer on TV
And I'd like to say one more time, please, please watch The Late Show on FOX. All we want is a chance. Is that too much to ask for?
Mr. Pittman (after Al agrees to have Buck neutered): Keep your dog away from mine. And while we're on the subject: keep your daughter away from my son.
She was probably just lending him a dress.
(Peg covers her mouth to keep from cracking up as Mr. Pittman leaves)
S2 E5Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Part 1
Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator
Steve {stern voice}: Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for this?!
Yeah.
Steve {pleasant voice}: Thanks, Al!
Steve opens can of beer with Al
[staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
I think it looks more like an apple, Al.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.