Malcolm in the Middle Season 7 quotes

Lois

Reese! You may think you're pulling some kind of scam but I'm onto you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee! [cut to Reese talking to Malcolm at the breakfast table the next morning]

Reese

I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me, but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.

Malcolm

Did she have bugged-out, crazy eyes?

Reese

Yeah!

Malcolm

She shows up in a lot of my dreams.

Lois

Reese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.

Reese

I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.

[gasps and see Francis] Francis!

Lois

[in the shower] Hal!

Hal

I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

Lois

That stupid fish!

Hal

Malcolm!

Malcolm

Crap!

Hal

You're here!

Malcolm

Kind of.

Hal

You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!

Malcolm

You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!

Hal

That only applies if you're actually drunk!

Reese

You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.

Malcolm

Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.

Reese

She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.

Malcolm

Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.

Reese

It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.

Malcolm

That's love, dude.

Reese

Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.

Lois

Me?

Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?

Lois

I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

Malcolm

Tough break, Mr Herkabe.

[After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges] I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!

Malcolm

You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.

Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

Hal

Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.

Dewey

What do you mean?

Hal

Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.

Dewey

I'm not sure.

Hal

Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.

Malcolm

[seeing his photo on the screen] What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!

Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.

Malcolm

I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.

Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

Reese

This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.

No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

Hal

Now, where's the rest of the money?