There isn't any.
S7Malcolm's Money
What?
You just spent 10.000$ on a stupid dollhouse?!
They wanted 12. But look,hal, it has a tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.
S7Bride of Ida
[Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]
What's Grandma doing here?!
You never said Grandma was coming!
I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!
FSFemale Security Agent
[to Lois] Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
You need to touch my what?
FSFemale Security Agent
I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. [putting on rubber gloves]
Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
[yelling] Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
MMale Agent
The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? [More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]
[Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]
OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
[Lois makes an embarrassed smile]
[sarcastically] I have to hand it to you, Mom, having Grandma look after us sure kept us out of trouble.
Where's your brother?
In Vegas.
S7College Recruiters
Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!
For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
The waiting period?
Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.
S7Mono
This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.
[at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.
I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
It was disgusting.
[frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!
Spare us the perv details.
S7Hal Grieves
Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.
You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
I guess.
I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
It's the least we could do for him.
S7A.A.
[Reese and Dewey are watching T.V, and Reese is poking Dewey in the head]
Mom, Reese is poking me.
(uncaring) That's it, you two. Either side of the couch. Now!
[Reese continues to poke Dewey with a plastic baseball bat]
He's still poking me.
Resse, go to your room. I don't want you within 30 feet of him.
[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]
Before I forget...
[Lois picks up a vase on a table]
This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]
There. Now I can relax.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.