Malcolm in the Middle · Season 2
Hal (phone rings): Hello.
You are the best dad, ever.
I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.
Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.
What's that?
That you are the best dad ever.
Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)
Lloyd [to Malcolm]: Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.
Would you shut up!
No, see, it's a play on words.
I said shut up!
Cynthia's Dad [to Malcolm]: Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?
Cynthia [about Lois]: Well, at least she didn't strip us naked and take pictures.
Malcolm (sigh): The night is young.
Reese, she's four years old. You're bigger and smarter... well, you're bigger than her.
Lois [to Hal]: What are you looking at?
Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.
Really?
Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.
Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".
Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
3 months, scrubbing toilets.
Reese [to Malcolm]: Relax. Everyone will think Josh is a thief. His parents will be tied up in court, and Emily will be thrown into a foster home where she'll bite her foster parents, who will leave her at the side of the road, and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the interstate.
Yeah, and that kid, Josh, told everyone I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.
Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.
They're all evil, sweetie.
AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me!
Uh, your daughter is biting my son.
She won't let go!
Oh, look, they're just playing.
Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Mommy! Oww! Ow!
[Lois calmly goes over to where Emily is biting Reese's leg, then reaches down and pinches her nose shut.]
Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.
(to the camera) You know, why plan my future when it's just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just gonna enjoy being a kid again.
Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)
Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
I heard that... and I'm paying for those.
Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.
So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!
Lois [to Hal]: You quit because a 6-year-old told you your job was awful?
You should have seen it, Mom. He made Dad cry.
The boy was cruel... but fair.
There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.
There isn't... yeah, that's about right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
