TV show quotes
The dry cleaner
the drug store
where else? Tim?
there's a place you can go to have your shoes treated so they won't smell over time
*writing down on whiteboard* so what do this all mean?
(quitely) it means nothing.
Are these your boys?
You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again? After all your mother does for you?
: [after Chad bites his finger]: Ow! Now it's a matter for the police
Excuse me, Mr. Flerch?
Dewey: We gotta get out of here. Let's go call the police.
You're just gonna bail?
You don't understand these kids. If I fix this problem, there's going to be a hundred more. It never stops with them!
Dewey, you don't get to choose the people who need your help.
[Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles and exposes Mr. Jeffers, the school principal at Dewey's school.] It was all his idea! I was just his obedient stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. [sobs] It came with parking.
I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or everyone could keep quiet about everything.
[untying the two janitors] Is that all right with you guys?
[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor (who understands what he's talking about) in regards to both Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]
That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?
[Mr. Jeffers and Mr. Flerch are concerned as Dewey smiles.]
[At the house, Lois is seen pissed off with Reese as she grabs the clothes to take into the boys' bedroom as Malcolm comes in with his basketball.]
What's up with mom?
Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.
What?
Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.
Oh my god.
[ecstatic] I know. Now I get to repeat my senior year! Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I made sure I flunked every class so completely, I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, go to college or get a job for a whole 'nother year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.
[Lois comes in completely mad at Reese more after hearing his confession]
Yeah, I know, mom.
[Lois leaves and Reese is drinking his soda in excitement as Malcolm leaves.]
Apparently I’ve been entered in the Miss Tri-County Pageant.
What?
The boys entered me into this pageant.
[Hal immediately sees through it and starts reading through, in disgust and disbelief]
[quoting letter] “Lucky to have her in our lives.” “Too special to be kept a secret.” “She suffers in silence.” Oh, can you believe this?!
[Lois, on the other hand, is touched and utterly stunned]
I know. They do all these horrible things, and then they go and do something like this…
[Hal realizes that Lois does not realize this was meant as a prank. He decides not to burst her bubble]
Yes, well, they’re good boys…
We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!
It's going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours to work with Dewey.
Dad, I have homework!
Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.
[Dewey walks in on Malcolm and Reese planning to sneak off to Burning Man]
Oh, God, Burning Man again? Every year it's the same thing. "This time we're totally going!" "Oh, yeah, totally!" And every year you chicken out with some pathetic excuse. My personal favourite was last year's "really bad Slurpee headache."
See? That is exactly the kind of ignorant talk I'd expect from someone who doesn't have any appreciation for what Burning Man is. A week of freedom out in the desert! Naked women! Getting back to your primal nature! Naked women! People doing art! Naked women!
Are all the women naked? [Reese punches him] Oof!
That is all you heard, isn't it?
[After Malcolm inadvertently convinces Hal and Lois to go to Burning Man]
What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]
[sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!
You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!
Don't try sucking up to me now!
Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.
I don't want you doing things just because I want you to do them.
Th-Th-Then I won't, if that's what you want! [beat] Crap.
What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?
Dad, I can't die.
What?
I'm seventeen.
And so you can't die?
I just don't see it happening.
I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.
Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.
It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him. There's only one thing that could make me prouder: if one of you could saw off my leg.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
