TV show quotes
[Lois has just come home with groceries and is listening to an audio book of a novel. Later on as it got to the conclusion, Lois is eating salsa on her credit card in the car.]
Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....
[voice recording] a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.
[Enraged] REEESE!
[Lois walks in as Hal and Dewey are locked in battle over using each other's vices. Dewey is drinking coffee and Hal is smoking cigarettes]
[Drinking Coffee] MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.
[smoking a cigarette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.
[Catches Hal smoking] HAL!
[takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.
[He tries to get rid of the cigarette evidence by tossing it away. However to his dismay, Lois ignores Dewey for the moment. In her opinion, his drinking coffee doesn't equal to the type of punishment that she will inflict on Hal in breaking his promise by smoking in the house again.]
The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be OK, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything.
[Hal comes into the kitchen, carrying a trash bin to one of the air conditioner vents where he hides his cigarettes. Opening the vent, the cigarettes all cascade down into the bin. Hal then closes it and leaves.]
[to the camera] Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motivated. The amazing thing is I got off scot-free.
Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.
Hey, he's my brother.
I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.
There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.
[reminding Hal] But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. [disgusted] Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.
Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.
I'm telling you, it's the fear.
Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.
What for?
My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.
What?!
Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole "chasm of loneliness" crap.
You can't hook up in my house! I've never hooked up in my house!
[Dewey holds up a jar of honey]
Is that a bee?
That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.
Where did this come from?
Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.
You did it yourself? [Hal nods]
How'd you know how to do that?
It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.
I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.
It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.
[bringing a soda] Here, I brought one for you.
Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. [Switches cans] Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! [Switches cans again] Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! [Switches again] Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! [Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]
I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.
[about Reese] What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.
I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.
[After Lois has a nightmare of a 40 year old Reese as an unaccomplished bum tormenting an elderly Hal and her, she storms into Reese's bedroom]
Reese! You may think you're pulling some kind of scam but I'm onto you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee! [cut to Reese talking to Malcolm at the breakfast table the next morning]
I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me, but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.
Did she have bugged-out, crazy eyes?
Yeah!
She shows up in a lot of my dreams.
[Reese is having a nightmare of himself in his 40s taking care of an elderly, obese and controlling Lois.]
Reese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.
[She tosses her bedsheets and Reese wakes up, screaming in terror. He quickly runs inside Hal and Lois' bedroom to confront his mother]
I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.
[gasps and see Francis] Francis!
[The house lights go out.]
[in the shower] Hal!
I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!
That stupid fish!
Malcolm!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
