I'm sick of being a bully. It's creepy.
S2 E10"The Bully"
Well, that's not fair! What do they expect him to do, beat up a girl?
I get to beat up a girl...cool!
Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?
To be honest, you can be a little caustic.
The word... is arrogant.
How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? (Lloyd and Stevie stare at him) (points somewhere) Hey, she's cute.
Rick [to Malcolm]: Remember me? "Moby Rick"? (sarcastically) That was so hilarious.
I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although... (Rick punches him)
You're talking about joining a cult, Reese!
My name isn't Reese anymore.
Then what is it?
I don't remember, but it's not Reese!
Is Reese a girl now?
No, Dewey, he's a woman.
Shut up.
Sorry, ma'am.
[At Marlin Academy, Francis is on the phone while nervously watching a mob of cadets set upon another]
Hold him down! You, shave his butt!
Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!
Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.
But Mom-!
Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.
Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!
I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!
What stories?!
Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?
Which were never caught!
S2 E11"Old Mrs. Old"
Lois [to Malcolm about Mrs. Griffin]: You broke her arm?
She had my ball.
You broke her arm for a ball?
No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.
You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?
Was it a special ball, son?
Lois [to Malcolm]: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
Every day??!!
Not one word! Every day!! End of story!
Reese, an old woman's purse is a little boy's book bag... if he's European.
GMrs. Griffin
(as she is driving, she feels an itch inside her cast and let's go of the steering wheel) Ooh, damn cast itches like a Greek sailor. (Malcolm tries to turn the wheel) Stop pawing at me!
Reese [about Dewey's purse]: Dewey, you're wearing an invitation to an ass-kicking!
(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)
(to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)
Reese [while throwing rocks at Dewey]: I'm trying to protect you!
Reese [to Dewey]: Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?
Is one of them fat?
It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.