Jon quotes from L.A. 7

Hannah

We were wondering if Mr. Walters would like to be our agent.

His books are full.

Tina

We’re really good.

His books are full.

Jo

And we work really hard.

His books are full.

Paul

(clears throats) Okay, without saying the words “His books are full.”, could you possibly tell us when the next available appointment with Mr. Walters is?

His bo…

Paul

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

May, next year.

Jo

You’re joking.

His books are full.

Tina

All right, all right. You get the message.

Jon

God, even my dog’s got bigger vocabulary than that.

Hannah

A lot was a waste of time.

Paul

Well, what we need to do is we need to get through her to him.

Bradley

Yeah, and let them hear some of our music.

Paul

Yeah.

Jo

Yeah. And how are we gonna do that?

Paul

Uh. I’ve got a plan. Huddle, guys.

Paul

Pizza.

Jon

Parcels.

Tina

Champagne.

Rachel

Flowers.

Jo

Cake.

Hannah

Balloons.

Bradley

Um, bite on my hamburger?

Paul

Bradley, you weren’t listening when I told you the plan, were you?

Bradley

Not really, no.

Paul

Mr. Walters!

Mr. Walters

Can’t you see I’m busy?

Paul

But we’re a band, Mr. Walters.

Hannah

The S Club 7, Mr. Walters.

Jo

And we want to sing you a song.

Mr. Walters

Troup. Hey, no way.

Rachel

But we bought you presents.

Mr. Walters

Well, maybe. Hit it!

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

(Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

Mr. Walters

Ha, ha! Nothing. But not bad at all. And now get out of here.

Hannah

No, wait. We’re singing at the high school prom tomorrow night.

Tina

Would you come and see us?

Mr. Walters

Which school?

Bradley

West Beverly High.

Mr. Walters

Really? My son goes there.

Jon

Oh, great. So does that mean you’re gonna come and see us soon?

Mr. Walters

Well, you know, I’m not sure the thing is my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.

Rachel

Oh, that’s a shame.

Mr. Walters

I said my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.

Rachel

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Mr. Walters

No. I don’t think you did. My son needs a date for the prom.

Paul

That’s okay. Rachel will go with him.

Rachel

What?

Mr. Walters

How kind of you to offer he accepts.

Rachel

No, listen. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take your son to the school prom. I already had… (Jo stamps Rachel’s foot) Ow!

Paul

Sore foot! She was just gonna say she’s got a sore… uh!

Mr. Walters

No problem. My son’s not that good dancer, anyway. Leave your address with the secretary. We’ll pick you up at 7pm.

Rachel

Thanks a lot, guys.

Bradley

Well, Rach, it’s for the good of the band.

Hannah

Oh, yeah, and don’t worry about Sam. We’ll take care of him.

Rachel

Yeah. That’s what worries me.

Jon

Oh my God! There she is!

Jon

She’s perfect.

Jo

She walks a bit slowly though, doesn’t she?

Hannah

How come he can never catch her up when she walks so slowly?

Tina

So, plan A: We sing at the prom. Mr. Walters loves us. We get a record contract which leads to… (opening her fan) worldwide domination.

Jon

I’ll get it.

Hannah

So, what’s Plan B?

Tina

Uh, there is no Plan B.

Jon

Hey.

Billy

Hi. I’m Billy.

Rachel

Hi, Billy. I’m Rachel.

Billy

You’re my date?

Rachel

Yeah.

Billy

Whoa!

Paul

Whoa, there. Easy.

Billy

Sorry. I, I, I wasn’t expecting. I’m a little nervous.

Bradley

Um, Billy? Where’s your dad? Is he in the car or is he coming later?

Billy

Oh, yeah. My dad said to say he’s not coming because his books are full.

Jo

(to Rachel) Plan B, it all goes horribly wrong.

Billy

Do you not want to be my date anymore?

Rachel

Of course I do. Come on. We’re gonna have a great time.

Sam

So, are you girls ready to go?

Tina

Of course we are.

Hannah

I think so.

Jo

We’re ready.

Hannah

Come on.

Paul

I really can’t believe that you’re taking Hannah, Tina and Jo to the prom.

Bradley

Yeah. Me neither.

Sam

I know. 3 dates. Well, this is gonna be the best evening ever.

Jon

How wrong could he be?

Look at his geeky glasses.

And his stupid hair and square clothes.

Rachel

I think your clothes are great and your hair is really sexy.

Billy

Really?

Rachel

Yeah.

Billy

W-Wo-Would you like to dance with me?

Rachel

Sure.

(laughs) Look at the nerd dance!

Hey, Billy, you’re such a jerk!

Paul

What are you talking about? He’s a wicker dancer!

Jon

Yeah, I mean we all dance around, don’t we?

Bradley

Yeah. It’s the latest thing.

Jo

I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.

Hannah

And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.

Tina

And take my jacket and get me another drink!

Sam

All right. Okay.

Jo

And hurry up about it. We’re on stage in a minute.

Tina

Time when you are, isn’t it?

Hannah

Yeah, he’s quite hot.

Jo

Yeah.

Sam

(sighs) What a nightmare.

Paul

Well.

Bradley

Well what? Where’s your mystery woman?

Jon

Oh, her! Oh, well, you know, she was great and, and it was great.

Paul

And?

Jon

And well, you know how it is. You know, we had a great evening and then, then she asked my phone number and she said she wanted to see me again and, well, you know what happens when you commit to another day then you end up like married with 18 kids in a mortgage.

Paul

She chucked you, didn’t she?

Jon

Yeah. She’s with Billy.

Jon

It was love at first sight.

Hannah

Oh, I’m sorry.

Jon

That’s okay.

Tina

You know, the best way to deal the situation like that is to behave with dignity and grace.

Hannah

Maturity. Good humour.

Jo

Yeah, you know what they say. Live and let live.

Tina

Look. There’s Rachel.

Hannah

She’s with our date!

Jo

I’m gonna kill her. (pushing Jon and Bradley out of the way) Oi! Rachel!

Rachel

(to Jon) Do you know something? Why can’t we leave our own Chateau Style Terrace?

Jon

What are you reading, Rach?

Rachel

The big vulgar House Magazine. The magazine of big vulgar houses.

Jon

Rachel’s getting restless again, guys.

Rachel

No. Not restless. Just curious. Don’t you ever wonder what it’d be like to live in one of those big houses like rich and famous people do.

Jon

Maybe you mean like one of those amazing mansion in Bel-Air with like the 30m Art Deco pool and their own cinema and A Philip Star Kitchen and like six different kinds of palm trees.

Rachel

Yes!

Jon

No.

Paul

Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Bandits 4:00! I repeat, Joni Alert!

Bradley

Oh, no. It can’t be rent there already, can it?

Jon

It can.

Tina

When you owe as much money as we do, every day is a rent day.

Paul

And she had one of those really mean looks on her face. You know, like the one that says…

Jo

Eviction.

Hannah

Eviction? Oh, no!

No!

Bradley

What’s all the panic for? What could she do to us anyway?

Jon

(to Bradley) Oh, you mean apart from like sell of all our possessions, kicks out the apartment and probably gets checked out the country. Not much, Bradley.

Bradley

Sell of our possessions? What, you mean like my CDs?

Jon

Yeah, and your Britney Spears go skating posters!

Bradley

This is terrible, Jon! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!

Joni

Have you seen the kids?

No. I don’t like kids. When I see kids, I feel sick. So I don’t see kids, then I feel better.

Joni

I saw them come in here, Alphonse. Now don’t lie to me. Where are they?

Jon

Guys, see. It’s just like I was telling you. The tiles on this side of the counter are just the same as the tiles on that side.

Oh.

Jon

Oh, Joni. Hi. What a pleasant surprise.

Joni

All right, everybody. Out from behind the counter, pronto.

Joni

And bring your wallets.

Kids. They’re like mice. They get in through the smaller spaces.

Hannah

Can I see who’s probably now… (sneezing)

Gesundheit.

Hannah

Thanks.

Joni

That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.

Jon

Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?

Hm.

Jon

Aren’t you?

Yes!

Joni

All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to…

Bradley

Help yourself to what?

Joni

To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.

Hannah

And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some…

Paul

Hannah.

Bradley

House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.

Joni

No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.

Hannah

And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.

Joni

Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.

Hannah

No. We were only joking.

Bradley

Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.

Tina

Too late. You’ve blown it.

Bradley

Oh.

So, you give the customers what they want. You give it to them fast and you give it to them with a smile. You do not bang it down on the table and you do not spill it on their lap. Got that?

Jon

Yeah, we got that, Alphonse. Loud and clear.

Bradley

Okay. Don’t spill it on their lap. Remember that. Very important.

You got 2 days of work, then I get my regular waitress back. The cute one. What? People like cute.

Jon

Well, we can’t promise you cute but we can promise you efficient.

Aww.

Bradley

This looks like it’s gonna be a very boring job, Jon.

Jon

Well, anything’s better than just sitting around waiting for an invitation up to the big house.

Bradley

What invitations?

Jon

Exactly.

Bradley

But on the other hand.

Bradley

There are compensations.

Ooh yeah, oh

As the night draws in, let the game begin

So let’s float away

Bring the house down

You can stay in bed with a sleepy head

We’re flying away

Bring the house down

Everybody do your thing

So let’s float away

Bring the house down

Jo

So bored! (grunts)

Paul

This is nice!

Rachel

Yeah.

Jo

Can you pass the salt please?

Paul

Okay.

Jo

Thanks.

Rachel

It’s great to have a bit of space, though, isn’t it?

Paul

Yeah. Makes all the difference.

Jo

I hate it.

Paul

I really miss the others.

Jo

Let’s see if we can get them round tomorrow.

Rachel

Yeah, but what if they don’t want to come?

Jon

Well, this is nice, isn’t it?

Hannah

Yeah. We don’t need the others. We can have fun on our own.

Tina

Yeah.

Bradley

Yeah.

Jon

Hello? Oh, hi, Jo. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re having a great time. How about you?

Jo

(speaking to Jon on the phone) It’s brilliant. It’s a lot of fun.

Jon

You want us and come and see you?

Jon

Well, um, I’m not sure what we’re doing tomorrow.

Jo

Well, only if you feel like it. I mean it’s no big deal.

Rachel

Yes.

Jo

We’ll have a party about 8 o’clock.

Jon

Wicked. No worries. See you tomorrow.

Jo

Okay then. See ya.

Jon

Bye. Yes!

Bradley

You think she’s come back to see me.

Jon

No, but don’t let that stop you.

Bradley

Don’t worry. I won’t. (He comes downstairs to see the Rich Girl) Your diet cola, ma’am.

Oh, excuse me. Did I order a drink?

Bradley

So I’m psychic. Diet decaf with ice on the lime twist, right?

(chuckles) Half twist, actually.

Bradley

Oh. (He cuts the lime in half with a pair of scissors) So, uh, what are you doing tonight?

I’m sorry. I don’t do waiters.

Bradley

Quite right. Well, actually, I’m not a waiter. I’m an actor.

Who isn’t?

Bradley

I’m researching apart from movie about waiters and the studio rated me a $20 million mansion up in Bel-Air.

$20 million, huh?

Bradley

I’m having a party tonight if you wanna come.

Mhm.

Paul

Jon, what is going on? Who are all these people?

Jon

I’ve got no idea, mate. But if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them.

Paul

Join them? Join them? Look! Look, are you mad? Look at what they’re doing to the statue!

Jon

Oh, it’s too late. It’s gone too far. Instead of fighting against the tide, you might as well just let yourself get swept out to see.

Joni

Here, drink some water. Are you okay?

I think I’m gonna die. (She drinks)

Joni

(to everyone) We gave you guys our trust and this is how you repay us? Look what you’ve done to this place! I mean you could be sued, I could be sued. If we stay out of jail, it’ll be a total miracle.

Jo

Oh, come on, Joni. Don’t overdo it.

Rachel

Okay. So there were couple of glasses broken, but it’s-it’s more mess than anything.

Jon

Yeah. Just think of it like a kind of big city rubbish tip.

Joni

What are you guys gonna do about this?

Paul

Maybe we should call Ventura dustbusters. Maybe not.

Joni

You are so lucky that the owner is not here. That’s all I can say.