All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.
All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.
Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.
Did I say that would graduate it?
JonYes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!
Forget soaking. Drowning!
Look, look. I can explain!
Jon
Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.
Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.
Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.
On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.
Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.
Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.
Jon
Yeah, or phone your friend.
Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?
It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beazley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.
Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.
Jon
Hmm. How are we gonna do that?
Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.
Jon
Well, there it is, guys. Hollywood. It’s the most famous place in the world.
Can’t see much tinsel from here. Looks more like smoke and smoke.
Do you realize that every single person down there wants to be famous?
They all want to be actors, directors, musicians, bands, millions of them, all with the same dream.
Cor! That’s a lot of competition!
Well, you know how the song goes. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you.
Oh. Well, do you think we come to the right town?
Guys. So what are we waiting for? Let’s get down there and show ‘em how it’s done.
So does this look cheap enough?
Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog zone and rent out a kennel for the night.
Jon
Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.
Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… send Rachel first.
Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)
So, I was with him for 3 years and it didn’t work out. And then my next boyfriend, it didn’t work out either. Nor did the next one… or the next one.
So what about the next one?
Oh! Um, that didn’t work out either. Oh! But then I met the most fine wonderful man. Oh, I was so happy!
Yeah. We got married and we had a fantastic life. I knew he was the one for me. Yeah. (Then her smile fades slowly) But it didn’t work out.
Oh, hi, guys! Come on in!
Bradley, come on. We’ve got a gig to go to.
So, let’s get up and let’s get going.
I don’t know if he’s ready to perform yet.
Jon
You know what? I think he’s gonna be just fine.
Joni said we could all stay here.
Sure! I have an empty apartment upstairs that you can have. And while Bradley is recovering, you don’t have to pay rent.
Jon
Oh, are you okay?
Oh, be careful with him. I don’t think he’s fully recovered yet.
Jon
Yeah. Yeah. Easy does it, Bradley. Easy does it.
Oh! Um, we’re on at the cafe if you want to come along.
Really? Oh, I would love to! Okay, I’ll see you there.
AAll
Bye! Bye! (They all leave but Bradley bumps into the door) Ooh!
So, Tommy, tell me. What was it like jumping from that skyscraper to that helicopter in Random Violence?
TDTommy De Witt
Actually, that was my stunt double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
Jon
How about that fantastic sword fight in, um… slashblade peninsula?
TDTommy De Witt
That was my fencing double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
What about shooting those love scenes with Neve Campbell?
TDTommy De Witt
That was my body double.
JPJon, Paul and Bradley
Oh.
Um… Do you actually appear in any of your movies?
TDTommy De Witt
And I am speechless. You wanna go out?
Yeah. Oh. But before we do, my friends wanna meet ya. This is Tina, Rachel and Jo.
TDTommy De Witt
Hi, Tina.
TDTommy De Witt
Hi, Rachel.
Yeah. (falls on the floor)
Aha! All right. Um, time to go.
How’s my breath? (blowing his breath at Hannah)
Jon
Paul, I don’t know why you’re so nervous. It’s just a date.
No. It’s not just a date. It’s a date with Linda.
Yeah, and you’re so special about Linda.
Well, she’s sophisticated. She’s intelligent and she’s a grown-up.
Ooh. So what’s she doing with you?
Don’t say that. Look, I really want this to work out. I really like her.
Jon
So is this Linda the newsreader then?
Jon
Excellent. Because I didn’t buy a newspaper this morning and I just wondered if she could run over the main headlines with me.
Don’t you dare. When she comes here, she’s off-duty.
(screeches) Okay, everyone, relax! All right.
Aw! Paul, would you stop doing that?!
Good evening. I’m Linda Lewis.
So, how was your weekend?
Boating on the lake. Great success. Dinner at an Italian restaurant overpriced. And finally a walk on the beach.
Well, I thought maybe we’d go to this Mexican restaurant.
No. A meal at the seafood restaurant. Tables are booked. Then coming up in the next hour a trip to the cinema.
Ah, that sounds like a much better idea. I don’t know what I was thinking. Come on, let’s go. Yeah.
Very good evening to you.
(to Tina) I thought she was supposed to be off-duty.
Jon
That’s brilliant news.
Finally, at last! Something is actually happening!
I know! This gig could be really good for us.
So, what song should we sing, guys?
I don’t know. What do you reckon, Jo? Jo!
(waking up) Hmm? What? Who? Sorry, I’m a bit tired. Paul kept me awake all night last night snoring.
He does a lot of things he never used to do.
Jon
Speaking of which.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Must have been a very nerdy cat.
What happened to you, bro?
Did you mislay your fashion sense?
No. Linda said that I didn’t look nice in my other clothes and I look better like this.
Paul, you don’t have to do anything she tells you.
You’re allowed an opinion, you know.
I know, and I’ve got one.
Which is Linda’s right. I look much nicer like this.
Fancy changing a whole image just for the sake of a date.
Oh, crikey, Teen! We better go and change our image for our date tomorrow.
Okay, Jon boy. Pick a card. Not that card. Not that one. Not that one either!
Jon
Well, which one then?
This one! All right now, look at it. What is it?
Jon
5 of diamonds.
All right now. Just put it back in there. Good boy. Oh, right. Is this your card?
Jon
Well of course it is, Bradley?
Bradley, that’s not even magic.
Yeah, not real magic, just like the trick.
Jon
Bradley, that’s not even a trick.
Oh, look. Here comes the evening news.
Good evening. Tonight, extra work shock means I have to stay in, looking to the week ahead you’re coming to the theater with me tomorrow evening.
Eyewitnesses say the play is an excellent one. Onlookers have clapped and cheered. Now over to you, Paul.
I can’t come tomorrow evening. We’ve got a gig.
Your band will never make it. News reading is the only option. Those are the facts. You heard it here first.
Now you hold on a minute.
You just can’t say things like that.
You must leave the band. That’s all for now. See you the same time tomorrow evening. Goodnight.
Paul, you go slide above…
Yeah, we got to sort out.
Jon
What is your problem?
Jon
Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.
Do you see the difference?
No. Because Linda’s right about everything.
I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.
Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think’s the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.
You know what? I…was…wrong.
Jon
As if…
Yes. You should stick with them.
Thanks. I mean so much to me.
ZZiggy
Hey, Tiggy. We’ve changed our minds. You are cool.
You know what? We’ve changed some minds too.
Oh, yeah. That’s right, isn’t it, Teen? Hey Ten. Flip your lid and see you around.
So, what should you do now then?
Jon
(hugging Jo) Jo, you just so rock and roll. Mmm?
No, Bradley. You like every girl. That is the girl that I like.
But, Paul. You never got to do anything about it.
Jon
Because you never do.
Okay then. Well, this time, watch this. (He comes to see her) Hi, how are ya?
GOGirl on Beach #1
Excuse me?
Well, that went better than usual.
You gotta work on your technique, bro. I mean, watch me. Watch the master.
Hey. How are ya doing? You’re kinda good.
GOGirl on Beach #2
(speaking gibberish and slapping him with her book)
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys! You want to know how it’s really done. Watch Rachel.
Yeah, you. You’re the world champion of flirting.
Yes, you are. Go on. Look around and tell us if there’s a boy you like. My boys, watch this and laugh.
Okay. First, she spots her victim.
(pointing to that boy) Well, he’s quite cute.
Then, she moves in for the kill.
Jon
The prey puts down his book.
He stretches unsuspectingly.
Jon
And slowly approaches.
I’m Sam. You’re Rachel, aren’t you?
Yeah. How did you know that?
I’ve seen you around at the beach, and at the cafe.
Yeah. Listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.
Yeah. I’d love to. That would be great. Um, what should I wear?
Well, it’s quite formal, but I’m sure you’d look great in anything.
That’s outrageous! I’m glad I never behaved like that.
BJBradley and Jon
Me too.
Hey, aren’t you guys with the S Club 7?
I’ve seen you play at the beach and at the cafe.
Jon
Oh, really?
Hey, listen. I was wondering. It’s my high school prom in a couple days, and I was wondering if you guys like to play a few songs.
Jon
Yeah. We… We’d love to.
I’m sure you guys look great in anything.
So, I’ll see you in a couple days.
BJBradley, Jon, Hannah and Paul
Yeah.
Mmm. George Clooney’s eyes. The new George Clooney’s smile. And he had George Clooney’s body. It was love at first sight.
JRJo, Rachel and Tina
Aw.
PJPaul, Jon and Bradley
(sigh)
So why are you still with him?
Well, he didn’t quite have George Clooney’s wallet.
You don’t really believe in love at first sight, do ya?
Has it ever actually happened to you?
I had loved her face that once. That was quite nice.
My part of the third sight. Mmm. That was lovely.
Well, I’ve had love at no sight. Beat that.
Well, I met him on the internet. We exchanged romantic emails for months. He told me that he was a 45 year old millionaire with his own airplane, but then when I finally met him, he was a 14 year old squirrel with his own skateboard.
Jon
Yeah. Well, I think it’s a lot of old rubbish, anyway.
(to Jon) Well, you would.
I’ve had, I’ve had hate of first sight, a mild irritation, a second and, um, you’re not so bad after all at third. Does that count?
What’s the matter with him?
He said we’d write some more songs today. Remember?
Yeah, but what is the point?
There are all these good songs. We’ve got no record contract. We’ve got no money. Our agent is rubbish.
All right. One proper gig.
Yeah. But our agent didn’t even get us there.
Yeah. Guys, I really don’t want us to be one of those bands who just do kids’ parties and old people’s retirement homes and bar mitzvahs.
We’re not going to do that.
Hey! Guess what, everyone? Our agent’s got us a gig out of a mitzvahs. What?
You see, we’ve gotta get a new agent.
I’m happy to help you with that.
Well, I had a bit of a thing with an agent one time.
Really? Was it love at first sight?
No. It was love at first smell. Or he had this great aftershave.
Jon
But, what if I never see her again?
Jon
But, what if she was like the love of my life and I’ve seen her for 20 seconds and that was it, and now I’ve lost her forever.
Yeah. Well, at least it lasted longer than some of Bradley’s relationships.
I was thinking about what you guys said the other day about needing a new agent and I think I have an idea.
Yeah. Well, I did a little bit of acting in the 70s and I had this great agent and he got me this fantastic part on Charlie’s Angels.
You was in Charlie’s Angels?
There was only 3 angels on Charlie’s Angels.
Well, there were four originally but, um, on the first day of filming, Charlie made a pass with me and, um, I kind of hit him and he ended up in the hospital, so, um, that’s why you never see his face.
Oh. Um, Mr. Walters at Walters Wilson and Walters.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
