Oh my god! He is! (She faints)
RSRock Star
You the house sitters?
HJHannah, Jon, Tina and Bradley
They are!
RSRock Star
What did you do to my house? I leave this place in your charge as a monument to taste discretion and power pelting. I come back after a few weeks and what do I find?
RSRock Star
I said what do I find?
A scene of complete devastation?
RSRock Star
My first wife gave me this vase. (smashing the vase on the ground) No wonder I never like this place. It was always far too tidy. I had forgotten what it was like to let my hair down. But you guys have reminded me that rock and roll still lives. You are the best house sitters ever. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s PARTY!
WOWoman on TV
Why do you think this guy killed you?
Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.
It’s the first day of my job down there.
WOWoman on TV
She was pushed!
I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.
Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.
You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.
WOWoman on TV
Let me get you something…
I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.
Jon(Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!
Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?
Jon, can you just find a spot and lie on it?
Jon
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, it’s not as simple as that. We have to find the optimum spot for the best tan. Aha! I think we’ve hit the mother-load.
I think you’ve already had too much sun.
Jon
Okay. So we’re all set for the perfect sunbathe.
Jon
There’s just one ingredient missing.
RJRachel and Jon
Ice-cream.
Hi, um. Can I have a non-fat neutral sweetness frozen tofu bar please?
ICIce-cream Man
Sure. The mango, the cranberry, the kiwi, the banana, the orange, the coconut, grapefruit. the pomegranate.
Um, kiwi please. No, no, no. Orange. No, cranberry. No, mango! Oh, I don’t know!
Jon
(to the Ice-cream Man) That’s an information overload, you idiot. You can’t take that! Come here, Rach. It’s alright.
Jon
Hey, did you move my towel cos I wanted to go there?
Sorry, man. I need those rays and my light meter said “This is the place.”
Jon
Yeah, but that was my towel, and this being a beach international beach law applies… to wit. That towel had my power of attorney while I was away purchasing an ice-cream and was exercising my entirely fair and appropriate prior claim to that spot.
You’re from out of town, aren’t you? Well, around here, a towel cannot act as a marker, unless said marker status has been agreed upon by all parties involved prior to the towel being applied to the sand.
Oh, come on. Where’d you get that load of old part from?
From the guy moved my towel last week about 3 seconds before I kicked his butt.
Yeah? Well, you better watch out or maybe Jon will kick YOUR butt.
Jon
Yeah! Rachel, are you insane? Have you seen the size of him? I couldn’t even reach his butt.
Now, if you don’t move your towel and you’re incredibly muscly, shiny and yummy body immediately, you are gonna be in a serious amount of trouble, young man.
Jon
Heh. You know what? I think I’m burning. There is such a thing as too much sun, you know.
Jon may look really small and weedy, but I can assure you. He is fully trained in all British martial arts. So if you don’t want to wear those teeth as a necklace shift.
Jon
Uh, Rachel.
Okay. That’s it. We are gonna settle this like men.
Jon
Do we have to?
Yep. But not here. There are women and children present. Tomorrow 5pm Muscle Beach, we arm wrestle for this spot.
Jon
Arm wrestle.
Jon
And, um, will you be using a normal arm, or, or that?
Jon
Um…
Too right we are. He’ll be there, and he’s gonna wipe the floor with you and then do the windows.
Uh-oh. I’ve made a big mistake.
Jon
Yeah. I’ll say you have.
I should’ve had the coconut.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Uh-huh.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Enjoy your meal.
Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.
Jon
So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.
But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.
That is so brave, or is it just stupid?
(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.
Jon
Yeah, of extinction.
No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?
Jon
No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.
No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.
Jon
Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.
It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…
Jon
That sounds really boring.
No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.
Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.
It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.
Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.
Jon
Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.
What are you trying to say?
Jon
Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?
Jon
Ryan.
JTJo, Tina and Hannah
Ryan?
It is the night before Jon’s day of reckoning. You could even call it the eve of reckoning, and Jon is… What are you doing, Jon?
Jon
I’m making out my will while I still have arm to write with. Do you want my Olivia Newton John CDs?
The pressure of the coming day has clearly driven Jon insane.
Jon, you can do it, bro. You’ve been trained by the best.
That’s funny. I thought you trained him.
Shut up! You can do it, Jon. Just repeat after me. I will demolish Ryan!
Jon
I will demolish Ryan! I will! Yeah!
BPBradley and Paul
Yeah! Yeah!
Jon
Yeah!
Good attitude! Now, if you don’t make it however, could I have your CD player?
Jon
Guys, I’ve got to win this competition. If I don’t, I’m gonna be the laughingstock of Venice Beach. I won’t be able to walk down the street without someone laughing or pointing and saying “Hey, look. There goes the guy with a weak arm.”
(closes the camera) At least you’ll be famous for something.
Jon
Look, I’m a dead man! He’s gonna kill me!
Hey, Jon, you’re a peak physical form! You can do it! I know you can do it! Plus, get your high energy drink.
I wonder if the bet is still open on Ryan.
ZZak
After our match, be sure and join us on the beach for our winners’ protein drink party and you’re all invited. Now, without further ado, please welcome our sixth time Southern California armed wrestling champion, Ryan Sinclair!
(calling out loud to him)
Hi, Mr. Sinclair. I’m your director for today. I’m just gonna go around, take a few shots of making a short documentary about one man’s fight for truth and justice.
Cool. Can you get me from my right side? It’s…my better angle.
Okay. (He goes onto Ryan’s right side) Yeah! Getting a real Tom Cruise vibe from this side.
Yeah, a lot of people have said that.
ZZak
And now, let’s, uh, welcome our contender the limey with the funny haircut, Jon. Somebody or other.
Jon, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.
Jon
I seriously doubt that. (He puts his hand on Ryan’s hand)
ZZak
Let the battle commence!
Jon
(panting)
Hey, is he getting a close-up?
Well, if he gets one, I want one too. Get that camera back over with.
Hey, is it a big close-up?
Get it closer. Come on! Get my face on that screen. Closer!
Closer… (Paul hits his eye) Ow!
I can’t see through the viewfinder like this. It’s really small.
Jon
Yay! Yes! I won! Yes! Come one! (Girls come to Jon) Who wants a piece of me?!
Jon
You’ve had your chance. Yes!
(to them) Look at the state of this place! Someone’s gonna have to tidy it up.
I’m not doing it. I always do it.
Well, do you fancy a game of chess, Hannah?
Yeah, we’re not until you’ve done those dishes.
No, it’s not. It’s YOUR turn!
It was my turn last week.
Well, look. Let’s have this game of chess and whoever loses has to do all the dishes.
Okay. Deal. (He gives her a handshake) Ow!
Must be his pose playing up again.
Jon
Guys, guess what? I think I just got a job.
What does the exotic dancer?
Jon
No. As a model.
Can you say that again, cos I could have just swore you said model.
Jon
I did.
Jon
Yes.
Jon
Yes.
Jon
Yes, Bradley! Some of us can do more than just sing and dance. Some of us have hidden talents.
So who are you modelling for?
Jon
Well, I haven’t definitely got the job yet, but I met this woman from a catalogue for a big department store and she said she wants to see me this afternoon.
Jon
Thank you.
Well, I think I better go and get ready for my job interview then.
What job are you going for?
No, you didn’t! You know I did.
Listen, Jo. I really need this job! I am broke!
Jon
Guys, calm down! I’m sure there’s more than one job there. You’ll be fine.
You had better have to be.
Jon
Well, what do you think?
Jon
I’m trying to look as if I haven’t tried.
You might have to try a bit harder.
Try and look a bit more relaxed.
Now go for happy yet quizzical.
Now, quizzical yet somehow yearning.
Now try to look like a complete muffin.
You’re definitely getting better.
But, you know, every different style of clothing has a different style of pose.
Jon
Really?
Just take this and come back when you practice.
Jon
Okay, guys, I’ve been practicing all day and now I want to see what you think.
Jon
Is everybody ready?
Yeah? Well, you weren’t the one walking around like a giant wiener.
Ain’t that what you do every day of your life, anyway.
Shh. You two, Jon’s waiting to show us his new skills.
Jon
Okay. Is everybody ready?
But who’d have thought it though? You. A model. I mean. Well, not that you’re not… I think you’re very… Well, obviously, I can’t tell you now. I’m a bloke. But if…if I wasn’t, I’d be a woman. But what I’m trying to say is that I…
Look. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?
Right, okay. Jon is gonna strike a pose and you have to guess what clothes is modelling, alright?
Jon
Okay, first one. Watch this.
Jon
Yes.
Jon
Okay, this one.
Jon
Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.
Jon
Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s wicked. This one, okay?
Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.
Jon
Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.
Jon
Yes! Nicely one.
Jon
Okay, last one.
AAll
5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
No, it’s still not right. (to Jon) Jon. Oh, yeah, I’m not speaking to you, am I? (to Jo) Jo, can you tell Paul to tell Hannah.
I am not talking to Hannah.
Of course. That’s right. (She walks over to Hannah) Hannah, can you tell Jo to tell Rachel to tell Paul to tell Jon that…
Jon
What?
I forgot I was gonna say now.
Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.
Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.
(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.
Tell her it’s a pleasure.
She said it’s a pleasure.
Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.
I know. We’ve never argued like this before.
It’s gonna ruin our performance.
I don’t know. We just don’t seem to agree anymore.
Listen, I know I’ve been a little cynical about this fame and fortune thing, but… I take it all back.
Well, one of you is definitely, definitely famous. Although, not so fortunate.
What are you talking about?
Just a little picture in a magazine.
Jon
Oh, no, no. Wait!
Jon
(He takes a magazine from Joni) It’s not funny!
Jon
I suppose it is quite funny.
Oh, guys, we’ve just agreed on something.
So, can I have your photograph?
Jon
Of course you can. (He signs in)
A cow. But you caught a sheep with no legs. A crowd. How could you forget that?
You don’t even know what a man with monkey under one arm, a crocodile onto the other was doing.
I think maybe he’s wearing them as an air freshener.
I wouldn’t say that restaurant was tough, but I think they used a pig as an air freshener.
Are we late for rehearsal?
No. It’s Christ’s meeting. We’re thinking about chucking someone out the band.
Look, if this is about that time that I posted nude photos of Jon on the internet, while they’re…
It’s Bradley! Tina says if he won’t come to rehearsals, he can’t be in the band anymore.
It’s just stupid. (to Bradley) Hey, Brad. You alright, mate?
As far as we know, he hasn’t slept for 2 days and what’s even worse and…
He hasn’t gone to the toilet, either.
People, I think we’re sitting on a time bomb.
Bradley, serious! I’m making an intervention. I’m not moving from a spot until you stop playing this game.
I just let me get past this level, all right? Trust me, I can do it.
No, you can’t, you hoof. It’s almost impossible to complete without the secret cheap put in the game by the garbagey of TD. It says here.
Well, then let’s find this bloke and ask him the secret. That way we can get our Brad back.
Good idea. But all we know about the game is that it’s by strati soft. You have no idea where they are or if they’re even in California.
You would do. Spring Street Downtown.
Yeah. They’re so nice format that’s like the audition.
Jon
So, you put a nude picture of me on the internet.
So, how many goblins does it take to change a light bulb? None. They’re not tall enough. You think it’s easy being an evil sorceress? Well, let me tell you. It’s not easy. Other girls when they want a new outfit made, they go to the dressmakers. Me? I have to visit the blacksmith. (giggles) That’s all for me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Zelda the sorceress and good night.
Jon
Okay, so lose the gag about the goblin thing and a really rude one about the Wizard of Oz, but apart from that, it was alright.
Should you think I’m nearly ready?
Jon
Almost. You still don’t know how to handle hecklers yet.
Jon
Yeah. You know, people stand up and shout things out with you in your act.
Oh, right! You mean like when we rehearse in and we come to your solo and Bradley shouts to you “Huh, shut up!”
Jon
Yeah. Kind of. Okay, so, just imagine. You’re doing your act, okay? And I’m a heckler. I’m gonna stand up and shout things out like “Get off!” and “I’ve had funnier acne!” and “You’re rubbish!” and “You just smell funny!” I mean what are you gonna do?
Jon
Okay, so… there’s one option.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
