Luanne Leanne Platter Kleinschmidt quotes from King of the Hill

Luanne Platter

[after finding Peggy hiding in the closet with a cigarette] I found her.

Peggy Hill

Close the damn door!! Can't you see that I am knitting!!

Bobby Hill

Mom. Hand over the cigarette!

Peggy Hill

Nooooo!

Bobby Hill

Mom this is not your son, this is your buddy!

Peggy Hill

NOOOOO!!

Bobby Hill

Hand it over!!

Luanne

Look, Aunt Peggy, I got my practice head! It's got real hair and everything!

Peggy

(approaching) Well, Luanne, it's a very nice head-

Luanne

(interrupting sharply and furiously) DON'T TOUCH IT!! (calmly) Aunt Peggy, I can't let anything happen to it before my final exam.

Hank Hill

(Seeing Bobby freeing the practice head in the cabinets) Well that just tears it! I have tried to be patient, but now it's time for a little tough love! (snatches the practice head away from Bobby)

Bobby

No...wait!

Luanne Platter

What's going on?

Peggy Hill

I don't know.

Bobby Hill

NO, DAD, NO!

Peggy Hill

Hank? Stop Hank! Please!

Luanne Platter

Oh no! PLEASE DON'T UNCLE HANK!

Luanne Platter

(inconsolably screaming) MY TEST! WHAT ABOUT MY TEST?!

Luanne

OK Luanne, how do they get out of the closet? (gasps) Ohhh, No, that won't work.

Hank

(whispers) Jimmy the lock with a coat-hanger.

Luanne

What? I don't... I can't... hmmm, what?

Hank

(whispers) Jimmy the lock with a... (sighs) uh, (out loud) I'll save you, Manger Babies.

Luanne

You will?

Hank

Yes, uh, cause I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories and you are fired.

Luanne

(as the Manger Babies) We're free, we're free, whoo.

Luanne

Thank you, assistant manager. Me-how can we ever repay you?

Hank

By never forgetting this lesson. Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

Bravo, bravo.

Nancy

You know Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show this tape to my boss at channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.

Peggy

Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that, no.

Nancy

Oh, Peggy, honey. This is show business. That's what friends do.

Hank

It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.

Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

Hank

I've never even heard of that. Have you?

Peggy

Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.

Bobby

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?

Luanne

Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.

Hank

Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?

Bobby

Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.

Hank

So you've seen it?

Bobby

No.

Hank

How about you, Luanne?

Luanne

(shakes her head "no")

Bobby

Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.

Hank

No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.

I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.

Hank

I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!

I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

Hank

Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?

Peggy

(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.

Hank

Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?

Make a left.

Hank

Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill

(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter

No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill

Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter

Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill

I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill

Whoa.

Hank Hill

Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?

Leanne Platter

Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

Bill Dauterive

We're engaged!

Leanne Platter

It was supposed to be a SURPRISE! (punches Bill and belches) I need a smoke!

Bill Dauterive

This is the happiest day of my life!

Peggy Hill

I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!

Luanne Platter

You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!

Peggy Hill

Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say "I told you so."

Luanne Platter

Mama, please!

Leanne Platter

Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.

Leanne Platter

I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!

Peggy Hill

Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, BUT I DON'T! HO-YEEEEAH!!!

Luanne

Buckley said he'd hire me at the Mega-Lo-Mart.

Hank

Mega-Lo-Mart?! Well why don't you just go down to hell and work for the devil!

Luanne

Good thing... that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!

Hank Hill

Bobby, you cut that out!

Psst... have you figured it out yet?

Luanne

Hey, I think that's my seat.

Hank

Uh... no.

Luanne

Where is he? Buckley always did this to me. One time we were supposed to go see Color Me Badd and he never showed up. I was looking forward to that concert all week and when I told him, he just said "chicken beak." [pause] He better not be guardianin' some other girl. Maybe I should drop out of beauty school.

Peggy

What? Luanne, you have wanted to go to beauty school since you were six. You have wanted to graduate beauty school since you were twelve. If you give up on school, honey, you are giving up on your dreams. "Education is the sleeping pill that makes dreams happen." - Peggy Hill.