Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

Sam

Oooh can I have this? (iPod)

Carly

I'm leaving, not dying.

Sam

But don't you want something for me to remember you by? Like 500 of your favorite songs?

Carly

Give it!

Sam

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Carly

You can't cheer me up. I'm moving to Yakima. I'm gonna be a Yakimite. Or Yakimanitian.

Freddie

Yakimaniac.

Sam

[To Freddie] You're yakimannoying.

Freddie

And what did he mean, "You'd rue the day"?

Sam

Yeah, what does rue mean?

Carly

No one knows!

Spencer

I got it, right here. "Roux: A mixture of fats and flour used to make sauces and soups."

Sam

[perplexed] Nevel called you a fat flour?

Carly

Try spelling it differently.

Spencer

Okay, here. "Rue: To regret. To wish that something had never been done."

Sam

Uh-oh.

Freddie

You know what this means.

Carly

Of course. He's gonna make me regret shoving tapenade in his face by trashing iCarly on his stupid website.

Freddie

[shrugs in despair] We're dead.

Carly

[touches her cheek] I'm gonna go scrub his creepy lip residue off my cheek.

Spencer

Hey, why isn't it cold in here? Toasty the Baker. GOOD GOD! [runs to his sculpture along with Sam and Freddie and screams] TOASTY!

Sam

[about Spencer's melted butter sculpture] Gross, it's like a giant baby threw up.

Spencer

WHY?!?!?!?!

Sam

I told you not to turn the heat up!

Freddie

What?! I never even--

Sam

It's too late for apologies.

Freddie

But I didn't turn the--

Spencer

It's OK. It's OK. I just need a mop and a bucket and 20 more pounds of butter!

Spencer.

Spencer

Mrs. Benson. Freddie, your mom's here.

I came over because I heard screaming. Freddie, are you all right?

Freddie

Yes, mom.

Spencer

He's fine. But I really got to

Do you know he's allergic to fruit?

Sam

[sarcastically, to Freddie] Aw, who's got a fruit problem?

Freddie

Not me. I am not allergic to fruit!

Well, what if you were? He'd probably give you an orange and then your face would puff up.

Sam

I would love that.

Spencer

Look, I gave him no fruit. Now, please, I'm out of butter--

False! I saw you come home yesterday carrying grocery bags filled with butter.

Spencer

You spied on me?

No, I just happened to be glancing through my peephole.

Spencer

That butter's gone and so am I.

What have you done with all that butter? Freddie, I want you to take a bubble bath tonight. Spencer!

Spencer

I didn't give him any fruit!

Sam

Cool mom.

Carly

Hey, here comes Sam.

Freddie

Ohh, great! She's gonna see my costume and insult me nineteen different ways.

Sam

Too easy.

Carly

Well, we're sorry we went in here without permission. But when we saw this furniture…

Sam

We thought it was too old and gross for anyone to actually use.

Freddie

Okay, wait. Something still doesn't make sense. Why did Lewbert tell us that no one lived here?

Cause I'm a jerk! Ha, ha, ha, I got you kids good! Score one for Lewbert! Happy Hannukah!

Carly

Halloween.

Carly

Freddie?

Freddie

Yeah?

Carly

Am I hallucinating, or are we surrounded by 2,000 Randy Jacksons?

Freddie

[nods his head] Why does Ms. Briggs have all this stuff?

Carly

I don't know. I guess if you're gonna be obsessed with an American Idol judge, you might as well pick one that's firm but fair.

Freddie

Now, I'm going to show you the latest piece of equipment that's going to blow you guys away.

Carly

What is it?

Sam

You buy yourself a robot girlfriend?

Freddie

I don't need a robot girlfriend. Because in 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Carly's second husband.

Carly

What happened to my first husband?

Freddie

Nothing you can prove.

Carly

What did you get?

Freddie

It's a teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie! [takes out a giant plastic piece of pie with a very conspicuous camera lens on it. Carly and Sam laugh]

Sam

Yeah, who wouldn't that fool?

Freddie

It looks real.

Carly

Yeah. Like a real piece of pie with a camera lens on the side!

Sam

Look, it comes with a giant fork! [holds up the fork]

Freddie

Give it! [snatches fork back] This is a quality piece of spy equipment!

Sam

My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that. And they're ridiculous.

Freddie

Don't mind me, I'm just a guy having some pie!

Spencer

Hey, is that one of those pie-spy video cameras?

Freddie

No, it is not.

Oh, yeah, they were talking about those on the Food Channel... Or was it the Spy Channel?

Spencer

You know, I think it was the Spy Channel.

Freddie

I don't know what you guys are talking about! This is just a normal piece of pie that doesn't record anything!

Spencer

But there's a big lens on the side.

Freddie

[frustrated] Oh, just forget it! [goes back upstairs]

Freddie

[waving his arms to shoo the bee away] Hey, go away! Get out of here!

Carly

It's just a bee.

Freddie

You don't understand; I am extremely allergic to bees! Get out of here, you stupid bee! I think he wants my pie!

Carly

That is a stupid bee. [Freddie hands Carly the fake pie, runs, falls over, gets up and runs for the entrance to Ms. Briggs' house to flee from the bee] Where are you going?

Freddie

I can't get stung! [he goes inside]

Carly

Are you insane?! Get out of Ms. Briggs' apartment! You can't just... [the bee continues to fly all around her as she waves her arms to get the bee to fly away] Get away! It's a fake pie! Can't you see the big lens on the side?! [she drops the pie and runs inside] It's a fake pie!

Freddie

Yup, we've gone out every night this week. I'd say we're almost officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Sam

So, which one are you?

Sam

Come here, Freddie!

Freddie

Leave me alone, Sam! Sam? What are you gonna--? [Sam pushes Freddie out of the room. He crawls to the other room, while Carly and Sam follow him. He gets up] That was assault!

Carly

Why are you quitting iCarly?

Sam

Yeah, why?

Freddie

Well, 'cause-- 'Cause maybe I don't like the way Sam treats me!

Carly

Oh, come on.

Freddie

Yeah, she's always putting me down, and calling me mean names, and every time I get an ice cream cone, she takes it and she licks it! She just licks it all over the place, just to bug me!

Carly

Great. Now what's the real reason?

Freddie

Okay. Valerie wants to do a web show, and she asked me to be her tech producer.

Sam

So you're just gonna ditch iCarly for another web show?

Carly

That's competing against us?

Freddie

Valerie's my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do?

Sam

[bluntly] Dump the chick! How about that?

Freddie

You know, you guys were the ones who talked me into going out with her in the first place, and now I'm the bad guy?

Sam

Look, Freddie, you better just--

Carly

Stop. He's right. He should help his girlfriend.

Freddie

Thanks. And I wasn't gonna leave you guys with no help. I got you guys a new tech producer. If you want him.

Sam

Who?

Freddie

He's really good with the tech stuff.

Sam

Who?

Freddie

Uh... We were down for about 4 seconds.

Carly

Well... that's not a problem, right?

I'm sorry, guys. To break the world record, your webcast had to be continuous.

Carly

Haven't you ever heard of the five second rule?

That's for eating food off the floor.

Carly

Well, I feel that that rule could apply here nicely.

I'm really sorry.

Carly

Freddie, what do you think went wrong?

Freddie

I'm not sure, but I'd bet my whole month's allowance that all of my equipment was working perfectly!

Carly

Ooh, you'd bet a whole $8?

Sam

Your mom only gives you $8 a month?

Freddie

She's afraid that if she gives me more, I'll buy a bus ticket and leave her.

Carly

That's so dumb!

Freddie

Yeah, not really.

Sam

Wow, Freddie, I like seeing you all feisty.

Freddie

That's the Freddie way.

Carly

I thought the Freddie way was a toasted bagel with grape jelly.

Freddie

That's the Freddie Breakfast Way.

Ooh, spider!

Freddie

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! We have a situation.

Carly

What's wrong?

Freddie

I think Nevel's grandmother just walked in.

Sam

Don't worry, Nevel said she's hopelessly confused.

Carly

Okay, we've got the cable hooked up. Now what?

Freddie

Okay. There's a file on my desktop called VL2.exe. Drag that onto his hard drive.

Carly

Okay.

Freddie

After you do that, just unhook-- [Nevel's grandma walks back in with an umbrella] Hi, there.

SPIDER!!