Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

That was my dad, he, he can't come home now.

What?!

Freddie

No way?!

Yeah, there's some situation in some country, I dunno, he's gotta help handle it.

Freddie

Well who's gonna tell Carly?

[Spencer gives the puppy dog eyes look to Sam]

I'm not telling Carly.

Why?!

Because it's going to be like slapping a sweet puppy in the face!

SO you're gonna make me tell her that her father-

[Carly enters making aeroplane noises whilst bringing in her dad's birthday cake]

Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. [shuts the door] Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay?

Um.. [turns to Sam and Freddie]

[Sam and Freddie run out the back door]

Weenies!

Why are they weenies?

I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.

Okay, something's going on here.

Yeah, sit. [he and Carly both sit on the couch] Carly, sometimes, in life-

I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-

No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.

[shocked] He is too coming home, he told me.

Yeah, he was, but, there's a military situation-

But we planned a big birthday party and everything.

I know, I'm sad about it too, but-

[Carly begins to walk upstairs very upset]

Don't be mad at him.

I'm not mad I just... I just miss him.

You wanna talk about it?

No.

[Sam and Freddie walk back in]

Freddie

Hey!

Did you just call us weenies?

Yes.

Ok.

Freddie

Later

[Sam and Freddie leave again]

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How can you not be mad?

Mr. Howard had every right to be mad at me. I was texting in class.

Freddie

But he took your phone?

He'll give it back.

FSFreddie and Sam

But-

Okay, okay. Nothing can put me in a bad mood. You guys hooked me up so I could talk to my dad on his birthday. That's it. Your both gettin' hugs.

SFSam and Freddie

Umm, well, no, no-

No, no c'mon. It's happening, your getting hugs. Your getting a hug. I love you guys. [Sam and Freddie thank her during the hug] I love you.

[The trio walk in to find Spencer sitting on the couch joined by agents.]

Heeyy.

Um, who are-

KAgent Kinsey

I'm Agent Kinsey, these are Agents Farrow and Morris.

FAgent Farrow

We're with the United States Secret Service.

Heeyy.

KAgent Kinsey

This is about your recent webcast.

FAgent Farrow

To a secure military base over-seas.

[The three of them look very worried]

Heeyy.

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[The agents are investigating the apartment.]

I don't understand this.

KAgent Kinsey

Just relax Ma'am.

How can we relax when 3 secret service agents are tearing our apartment to pieces?!

FAgent Farrow

We're just checking your place out.

Why?!

FAgent Farrow

Let's just say that your recent iCarly webcast caught the attention of someone very high up in the US Government.

Oh great!

Freddie

[tries to comfort Sam] Stay calm.

I can't stay calm! I promised my mom I wouldn't cause any more trouble with the US Government!

FAgent Farrow

[His machine bleeps] Clear.

KAgent Kinsey

Alright, we're done here for now. Please don't leave town until we contact you again.

Why can't we leave town?

KAgent Kinsey

Just don't leave town.

[The 4 of them stand there looking at the agents very shocked]

Okay. [sounding scared] Thanks for watching iCarly!

[The agents leave the apartment]

[Carly gives Spencer a hug looking really upset, as if she's about to cry.]

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[Carly and Freddie meet at the lockers.]

Freddie

Has Sam shown up?

No. Nobody's seen her all day.

[whispers to Carly and Freddie] Psst! Over here.

[Carly and Freddie head over to Sam]

Where have you been?!

Getting stuff. [starts getting things out of her school bag] Here's a wig for you, [puts a wig on Carly's head] and a wig for you. [puts a wig on Freddie's head] Passport for Carly and a passport for this one. [gives them each a passport]

Freddie

What's this stuff for?

We're blowing this country. We're heading to the airport and buying one-way tickets to Amsterdam.

Sam.

Well you wanna stay here in this country and go to Federal Prison for hacking into a secure communications network?!

Freddie

How are we gonna pay for one-way tickets to Amsterdam?!

Pfft. [gets out a bag of jewelery] I got all my mom's engagement rings. Now let's head into a coin shop turn this bling into cash and get the fugde out of dodge.

[men in suits come round the corner]

Freddie

Uhh, I think it might be too late for that.

M1Man #1

Miss Shay, Mr Benson, Miss Puckett.

[In a deep manly voice] Puckett, uh, are you looking for Sam Puckett? She passed away. Funeral's Thursday bye. [begins to hurry off]

M1Man #1

Miss Puckett.

[Sam stops and turns around]

[throws her backpack onto the floor] Alright. [gets on her knees with her hands behind her head] Put the cuffs on loose would ya? I don't like it when they dig into my wrist.

M2Man #2

Just come with us. [Pulls Sam up]

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So.. I'm confused, are we in trouble?

MOMrs. Michelle Obama

No, not at all!

She watched iCarly online last week.

No way!

Freddie

Seriously?!

For real?!

Michelle Obama

Uh huh, my daughters are big fans and I am too.

[walks through Carly and Spencer's front door] Wait, is she-

Close it!

[Carly, Sam and Freddie yell at T-Bo to leave]

[T-Bo quickly leaves]

So what are you doing here? Um.. your, excellency. [takes a small bow]

Freddie

You don't call her your excellency.

OMrs. Obama

No, no, I kinda like it.

[Sam whacks her upper chest at Freddie and he pulls a 'what?!' face back at her]

OMrs. Obama

I came here to say, I'm proud of you.

Why are you proud of us?

OMrs. Obama

[points at Carly] Because of how much you care for your father, [then points at Sam and Freddie] and because of what you two did for your friend.

Freddie

You mean, setting up the surprise birthday party on iCarly?

OMrs. Obama

Uh huh, my husband and I talk to a lot of people with family in the military.

[puts his hands on Mrs Obama's shoulders] Her husband is the president.

[Mrs. Obama's bodyguards reach into their pockets as if they're about to pull out guns and begin to make their way towards Spencer]

Sorry. [takes his hands off Mrs Obama's shoulders and takes a few steps back]

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[Gibby zips up his suitcase, then gets it up and pulls up the handle.]

Freddie

Why are you bringing a big suitcase? We're just going to Canada for the day.

Yeah. So I brought some hair care products, uh, some extra batteries, a change of underpants.

[Freddie looks at the suitcase.]

Is that a problem?

Freddie

[Looks at Gibby] No.

That's what I thought.

[Takes his jacket from a jacket hanger] Come on, guys. We gotta hit the road. [Puts on his jacket]

We don't have to be at the Fat Cake Factory 'til one.

Yeah, but it's a two-hour drive. We gotta go through security at the border.

Why? It's not like Canada's a different country.

[Pause.]

Freddie

Yes, it is.

I thought it was like Idaho.

Idaho's a state– in our country.

Look, I don't need a lecture.

You sure you're not gonna come?

I want to but I already bailed on Lance twice and he's really cool. And if I bail again, he's gonna think I don't like him, and I really do like him. Besides, I haven't kissed a guy in four months. I'm gettin' itchy.

Freddie

What time's your date?

Handsome Lance is picking me up at five o'clock. With his car.

So what are you gonna do 'til then?

Probably take a long hot bath, and I'll blow my hair out, maybe I'll do my nails–

Bye.

Freddie

Later.

See ya.

Gibbeh.

[Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby leave as Carly looks on.]

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[A Malaysian man takes a red suitcase through the border, unaware that it is Gibby's and that Sam is inside.]

[Inside the suitcase] Gibby?

[To Freddie and Gibby] Okay, let's get outta here.

Freddie

[To Gibby] Grab Sam, let's go.

[Takes a red suitcase, unaware that it is the Malaysian man's and that Sam is not inside] Ooh. Sam's light.

Freddie

Come on!

[Chanting] U-S-A!

[Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby make their way through the border.]

FSFreddie, Spencer, and Gibby

[Chanting, in unison] U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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[T-Bo lifts up a sign that says 'Warning']

AAll

Hello.

[T-Bo puts down the sign]

You're about to watch a very special episode of iCarly.

It's... different.

Freddie

It's unusual.

It's not for normal people.

You might find it, disturbing.

So, just have some soup.

[They all lift up bowls of soup.]

And try to remain calm.

As you enjoy this special new episode of iCarly.

[All of them eat a spoonful of soup]

Gibbaayy.

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You know, even though Spencer and I have to move out of this apartment tonight, forever, I'm still in a great mood.

Freddie

Oh, when aren't you in a good mood?

I know right [agreeing with Freddie]

Really?

What?! Sometimes I get in bad moods.

No no no, wait wait wait wait wait. In all fairness, sometimes Carly does get in bad moods.

Freddie

Like when?!

Uh, like when the time T-Bo made you those stuffed mushrooms.

[The rest apart from Carly agree with him and laugh]

Oh c'mon, I wasn't that mad.

You were pretty mad that day-

-no [disagreeing with Sam]

[Everyone looks up for a flashback]

[flashback]

[Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Carly are all reading together]

I just love reading together.

Me too.

Freddie

We all do.

[T-Bo walks in]

Hey hey Carly! I made you stuffed mushrooms.

[Carly stands up and slams her book shut]

[yells] WHO CARES?! [throws book at T-Bo angrily]

[T-Bo falls against the door, Sam, Spencer and Freddie turn to Carly in shocked at the same time and Carly breathes in and out quickly and deeply in rage and anger. Scene cuts to the group in Tori Vega's living room]

Okay. Okay, I was in kind of a bad mood that day.

GGibby (as Robbie)

Kind of?

Freddie

You threw a book at T-Bo.

Yeah, and just because he made you some stuffed mushroo-[notices the area they are in] Hey. Uh, hey, wha-

(notices he is Robbie) Gibbeh?

(hesitantly and shocked) When I make it shine...!

[the group all stares straight, then at each other, then straight again]

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Okay, at what point did I have insanely long hair?

It was around the time Freddie got hit by that taco truck.

Freddie

And Carly and I kissed.

And you and I were playing that assassin game.

12 million viewers?

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Carly! You gotta come back with me! [gives Carly her backpack]

Back where?

To a future episode.

But, I'm supposed to do iCarly stuff tonight with Sam and Freddie.

Well, bring them along, this concerns them too! [gives Freddie his camera and Sam her remote]

Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

What are you talking about?

Freddie

What happens to us in the future, do we become hobknockers or something?

No no, you guys all turn out fine. It's your kids.

What?!

Freddie

Ninos?!

What kids?!

Whos kids?!

Um, yours [points to Carly] and his? [points to Freddie] Or his [points to Freddie] and hers, [points to Sam] or hers [points to Sam again] and his, [points to Freddie] I don't remember, but something's gotta be done about your kids!

Well, how do we get to a future episode of iCarly?

[T-Bo flys out of Spencer's room in a bubble]

Y'all can hitch a ride with me.

Hurry T-bo! Beam us onboard!

Freddie

And smallify us.

Energising. [beams the others onboard]

C'mon T-Bo let's go!

Wait! In the future, is iCarly still on in reruns?

Reruns? Where we're going we don't need... [puts his costume glasses on] Reruns.

Hang on! [starts moving his spaceship bubble]

[Everyone makes whirling noises, then they all scream and cheer as they fly through the screen into the future.]

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[shouts down the corridor] Carly, c'mon!

[Carly walks round the corner with all the luggage, groaning. She drops the bags and leans against Freddie's front door, but the door opens and she falls in and screams. She gets up, still groaning and closes the door]

How you doing?

[Throws a hat on the floor] I'm sick and dying! Urgh!

Maybe I should take you to a doctor.

No. [Starts picking all the bags back up] no, just, open our door so I can... go in there and just be alone.

[Spencer opens the front door]

[Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo are all hanging out in their apartment]

Hey! HEY!

[They all say hi]

[walks in to find Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo partying in the apartment] What is going on here?

I'm cooking steaks.

Freddie

Playing video games.

I'm in a kiddie pool!

Gibbeh!!!

How long, have you guys been hanging out in OUR apartment?

Uh, how long you guys been on vacation?

8 days.

'bout 8 days.

Carly groans and falls to the floor

Freddie

She ok?

No, she's like dying.

Gib, help her up!

Kk.

Gibby helps Carly stand up

Man, she looks sicky sick.

Yeah, she's got jungle worms.

[drops Carly] Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! [runs out of the apartment]

Freddie

What are jungle worms?

They're like these scuzzy little parasites that set up camp in your guts.

Spencer helps Carly onto the couch while she continues groaning

How do you know about jungle worms?

My mom got them from using some foreign guy's toothbrush.

Freddie

So, what are the symptoms?

Uhh, dry mouth..

I'm so thirsty.

..chills..

Can someone cover me with a blanket?

..moaning..

[moans]

..groaning..

[groans]

..and a lot of, you know..

[Carly runs into the bathroom and throws up]

vomiting.

Poor kid.

Yeah.

Freddie

One of us should probably get in there and help her.

Hey these steaks are ready.

[They all go over to Sam for some steak, leaving Carly in the bathroom alone]

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Freddie

Can he stand?

LLouis

Here, let's try.

[Louis, Zayn and Niall try helping Harry stand up but he groan and falls back onto the chair.]

LLiam

Wow. He's really sick.

Freddie

What do you think's wrong with him?

HHarry

I feel cold. And thirsty. Can somebody hold me?

LZLouis, Zayn and Niall

No.

LLouis

Here, have some more of this water.

[Louis picks Carly's bottle up from the floor and hands it to Harry. Carly steps forward and takes the bottle from Harry.]

Harry, you drank from my water bottle?

HHarry

Yeah.

Oh, my god. I gave Harry Styles jungle worms!

NOOO!

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Freddie

I know what might motivate Harry to get out of bed and back on stage.

You think I should work him over with the butter sock?

You know, I really, really, don't.

ZZayn

Did she say butter sock?

LLiam

Is that a sock...?

LLouis

...Full of butt-ah?

Freddie

Do you guys want to hear my idea?

Yes!

NNiall

Does it involve the butter sock...?

Freddie

No! I just thought Harry might suddenly feel better if he thought he was going to be replaced in One Direction.

Whoa wait replace Harry?

Freddie

Not for real we just make him think he's going to be replaced.

LLouis

Who with?

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(Carly, Freddie, and Spencer are hiding from Spencer's alarm robot)

We've got to get back to school!

Freddie

We have a history test!

Can't you turn your stupid alarm bot off?

I am trying to disarm it!

ABAlarm Bot

(Spencer pushes a button on his remote) Armed. (He pushes it again) Armed. (He pushes it again) Armed.

Gah, I can't turn it off! Maybe we can-

(the doorbell rings)

Freddie

Wait! That was just the doorbell, right?

Or does that mean your stupid killing machine's about to explode?

It was just the doorbell.

(from the other side of the door) Hello? What's happening in there?

Freddie

It's my mom! If she opens the door, she's gonna get blasted!

(yelling) Mrs. Benson, don't open the door! I'm not wearing pants!

Oh, my gosh!

ABAlarm Bot

Scanning pants...

Wait!

Freddie

What?

If your mom opens the door then that crazy killing machine's gonna focus on her, and then Spencer can run over and unplug it!

Oh, that's good!

Freddie

No! I don't want my mom to get blasted in the face and torso with popcorn kernels!

Oh, why not?

She's so irritating! It'll just be for a second 'til I unplug it.

Freddie

(sighs) Alright, fine! Do it!

(yelling) Okay, Mrs. Benson, I found my pants! C'mon in!

(Mrs. Benson opens the door and walks into the apartment)

What is going on in here?

ABAlarm Bot

(focuses on Mrs. Benson) Tracking intruder.

I do not appreciate all of the noise that's been coming from... AAH!

(the Alarm Bot starts shooting Mrs. Benson with popcorn kernels. She is backed up against her door in the hallway)

Freddie

(to Spencer) GO!

Go unplug it!

Yeah, I'll go!

(Spencer runs over to the outlet where the Alarm Bot is plugged in to. He starts pulling at the plug, but it doesn't come out. Mrs. Benson shouts as the Alarm Bot continues to pelt her with popcorn kernels)

Freddie

Hurry up!

Unplug it!

I AM TRYING! (Spencer pulls the outlit out of the wall, still not unplugging the Alarm Bot) Oh, my gosh!

Freddie

Dude!