Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

Carly

Don't you guys wanna go to dinner by yourselves? You know, like, just the two of you?

Sam

Nah, everytime we're alone for an hour, we fight about something.

Freddie

So, we want you to come with us, 'cause you always come up with smart ways for us to compromise.

Sam

And anyway, have you ever had the lasagna at Pini's?

Carly

No, is it good?

Freddie

Good? [walks to his cart]

Sam

Uh, it is so good that when I die, please bury me naked in a bathtub full of Pini's lasagna!

Carly

So, things are going good with you and Freddie?

Sam

Yeah, way better. Only 3 fights this week.

Carly

And you haven't hit him?

Sam

Not in the face...

Carly

[smiles] Aww, that's sweet.

Freddie

[knocks on Carly's bedroom door; comes in holding his blue laptop] So, guess a-who just finished editing iCarly's next fake movie trailer?

Carly

The same guy a-who edits all of iCarly's fake movie trailers?

Freddie

[smiles proudly] Yes... [to Sam] Hey, cuteness.

Sam

Lips please. [Freddie leans down, gently lifts Sam's chin with his fingers and kisses her for 3 seconds]

Carly

[shocked in a good way] How did this happen?? You guys have a relationship, and I have a magnetic fish! [holds up the fishing rod she's been holding with a magnetic fish at the end]

[comes into the Shay's apartment holding a silver bar] Freddie!

Gibby

Wow, Freddie! Your mom's here!

[puts the silver bar on the counter]

Freddie

[looks at her; confused] What's that?

100 ounces of pure palladium.

Gibby

Wow! So a bar like that must be quite valuable!

Oh, it is, it has a street value of nearly $100,000.

Spencer

[raises his eyebrows; eyes wide]

Freddie

[holding the bar; surprised] Whoa, whose is this?

Yours...

Freddie

Why would you give me something worth this much money?

So you'll do something for me in return!

Gibby

That seems fair!

Freddie

What do you want me to do?

[loudly] Stop dating Sam!

Freddie

[gets off the chair he was sitting on; looks confused and shocked] How'd you know?

Gibby

Yes, how did you know?

It doesn't matter! [to Freddie] If you want that bar of palladium, you tell that no good Puckett to find some other boy to ruin!

Freddie

You can't bribe me to break up with Sam!

But, Freddie!

Freddie

[furious] No chance!

[screams and rips a piece of her shirt; takes the palladium back from Freddie and runs back into her apartment].

Freddie

[mouthing] Wow... [sits back down]

Carly

[to Sam and Freddie] So, last week you two made me your involuntary Couple's Counselor. Then you edited me out of "Super Bra" and tonight you made me do iCarly by myself.

Gibby

[offended as he yells to Carly] What am I, a mushroom?!

Freddie

[to Carly] Okay, you're making way too big a deal out of--

Sam

[to Freddie as she gently pats him on the arm 3 times] Hey, hey, hey this isn't about us missing the show...

Freddie

[to Sam] She seems pretty upset by-- [Sam nods at him] Oh, right...

Sam

Mm hmm...

Carly

[rolls her eyes, annoyed] What's right?

Freddie

[to Carly] Look, since Sam and I started going out [looks to Sam, then back at Carly], maybe you've been feeling a little--

Sam

[finishing his sentence] Jealous.

Carly

[looking shocked] Wh- wh- wh- wh? [scoffs] You two think I'm jealous of your relationship?

Freddie

Maybe.

Sam

And maybe you were the one who let his mom know that we were going out.

Carly

[shocked] I did not!

Freddie

[confused] Then who did?

Carly

[screams] Gib---what?

[glaring at Gibby]

Sam

[mad] Gibby?

Gibby

[sarcastic to Carly] Thanks, Carly! So much for secrets!

Sam

[runs to Gibby and throws him on the floor while screaming]

Carly

[to Freddie] You know eventually you're gonna have to tell your mom you and Sam are dating.

Freddie

[scoffs] Oh really, you wanna see my mom burst into flames?

Carly

Yes!

Spencer

That'd be cool.

Sam

[laughs]

[Off Screen knocking on the door] Freddie, are you in there? Come home! It's time for your tick bath!

Freddie

Now what?

Sam

[to Freddie] No worries, we'll take the 'vator. [to Spencer] Tell his batty mom you haven't seen him or me.

Spencer

No, no, de nopedy nope, I am not gonna lie to your mother.

Freddie

[frustrated] Why not?

Spencer

'Cause when you tell one lie it just leads to another lie, and another lie...and before you know it, you're a guy telling multiple lies.

Sam

[scoffs] Oh come on, when the girl with no teeth kept coming over here I lied for you.

[OS annoyed knocking on the door louder] Fredward Benson!

[look to Spencer, pleadingly]

Spencer

Fine. I'll lie. Go.

[OS annoyed knocking on the door] Fredward!

Carly

[to Sam and Freddie] You know, you guys could invite me to go to the movies with you. [as Sam and Freddie step in the elevator]

Freddie

[to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Uh, well if you wanted to--

Sam

[to Carly as the elevator door is closing, hesitating] Um.. well, okay, let's get the door.

[as the elevator door shuts] Bye, Carly!

Freddie

[looking at his PearPhone] Ah, dag, man! No!

Sam

[to Freddie] What's the matter, baby?

Freddie

I didn't get into that summer program I applied to.

Carly

[smiles] NERD Camp.

Freddie

It's not NERD Camp. It's "New Electronics Research and Development camp!"

Gibby

[laughs to Freddie] You're perfect for that!

Freddie

I know!

Carly

[looks at Freddie] Look, having Sam in your life is like owning a wild chimp...

[both look confused]

Carly

Sure, she is unpredictable; she can go berserk and chew your foot off. But if you keep her clean and well fed, she's adorable [puts her arm around Sam] and cool and tons of fun.

Freddie

I know, but--

Carly

[interrupts Freddie] She said she was sorry! And she really meant it.

Gibby

[walks in quietly]

Carly

Sam loves you! [looks at Sam waiting for her to speak then nudges her]

Sam

[shyly] It's kinda true.

Carly

[steps to the side and gestures for Sam to kiss Freddie then pushes them closer together]

Freddie

[smiles lovingly at Sam]

Sam

[smiles lovingly back at him]

Carly

[pushes them together to kiss]

[kiss for 10 seconds]

[threateningly, jokingly] You just be good to our little Sammy, or we're gonna have to stab you.

..All over.

Freddie

[stares at Chaz scared]

[laugh thinking the threat's funny]

Freddie

[laughs awkwardly and nervously; still scared by the threat]

Freddie

[to Carly] You see this one is an exact replica of a 1952 Santa Fe Trudgemaster.

Carly

[sarcastically] Wow.

Freddie

You see these 4 rivets right here? A 1952 has 6 rivets.

Carly

Hey, I'm not gonna lie, I'm super bored by this.

Freddie

Well, you wouldn't be so bored if you had come to my train club meeting to watch this baby in action.

Carly

Hmm, I'm pretty sure I woulda been.

Sam

[to Carly] Hey Carls. [to Freddie] Hey Pretty Baby.

Freddie

Hey Lil' Samantha. [Sam and Freddie kiss]

Carly

Alright, let's cool it with the public display of affection.

Sam

C'mon. We haven't kissed in two days.

Freddie

Our lips are starving!

Carly

Why didn't you guys kiss over the weekend?

Sam

Because we didn't see each other.

Carly

You didn't go play trains with him on Saturday night?

Sam

Naah. My mom and I went out to dinner and then we did some shopping. But we're gonna hang out after school right?

Freddie

Can't. I gotta go with my mom to her lady doctor. And I thought you said you had soccer practice?

Sam

Oh yeah.

Carly

You joined the soccer team?

Sam

Naah. Me and Wendy are just gonna use golf clubs to hit balls out towards the field.

Carly

During practice?

Sam

[gives her a no-duh kind of look] That's when the soccer girls are out in the open.

Carly

[to Sam and Freddie] Okay, so you guys aren't gonna hang out together today and you didn't see each other at all this weekend?

[shake their heads no]

Freddie

Nope.

Sam

Um..Nuh uh

Carly

Isn't that kinda weird?

Freddie

[to Carly] We're just not into the same kinda things.

Sam

[to Carly] Diff'rent stokes baby.

Carly

But you're a couple now.

Sam

[glances to Freddie] So?

Carly

[to Sam] So part of dating is you learning to like stuff he likes [to Freddie] and you learning to like stuff she likes.

Sam

[confused] Uh.

Freddie

[to Sam, pats her on the back] Well, I got another meeting with my Model Train Club on Wednesday night. Wanna come?

Sam

[leans over to Carly] Should I be polite and lie?

Carly

[to Sam] Yes.

Sam

[goes back over to Freddie] I'd love to Baby.

Freddie

[puts his arm around Sam] Aww, that's my little fibber.

Sam

[Takes deep breath] A buh buh buh buh [gives Freddie a kiss on the cheek]

Freddie

I love you.

Sam

I love you too.

Freddie

[takes phone from pocket] It's only 10:30.

Sam

Wanna break up at midnight?

Freddie

[puts phone back] That works.

Sam

[smiles] Okay.

Freddie

Just don't talk about rumps in front of my mom

T-Bo

Why? she don't like rumps?

This might take awhile

T-Bo

Ask as many questions as you like

Freddie

Terrence doesn't mind, as long as he gets to church by 9:30

T-Bo

[Prays]

Carly

So, I have to learn about boring Russian films and how to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Sam

He speaks Chinese?

Carly

Fluently, and all I know is [in Mandarin Chinese] Wo bu zhi dao!

Freddie

What's that mean?

Carly

I don't know.

Sam

How could you not know what it means?

Carly

I do know. It means. "I don't know."

Carly

Sam! Sam!

Sam

Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. [puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]

Carly

I don't care about the pudding cup.

Freddie

I did!

Carly

We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.

Sam

For why?

Carly

For wh-? For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!

Sam

Maybe they should let her go?

Carly

What?! Why?!

Sam

Look, I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.

Freddie

Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?

Carly

Yeah, well, I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!

T-Bo

Man, I'm so dang sick of this!

Carly

What are you doing?

T-Bo

Putting on a suit so I can go home.

Spencer

Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.

Freddie

Yeah, he does!

T-Bo

See!

Freddie

If my mom sees how T-Bo really is, she's never gonna let him stay in our house! [turns to face T-Bo who looks offended] No offence.

T-Bo

Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me.

Freddie

It's not that it's... yeah it's that.

T-Bo

Haha. [sarcastically] That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't have feelings. [walks out of the Shay apartment]

Gibby

Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?

T-Bo

Not really!

Gibby

Gibbaaaayyy!

Freddie

Hellooooo.

Sam

Gibaloni.

Carly

Where've you been?

Gibby

The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!

Sam

Please say it was a horse.

Gibby

Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! [gets out a fake version of his own head]

Sam

Oh my god!

Spencer

No!

Carly

Woah!

Gibby

It's an exact replica of my own head!

Sam

What does it do?

Gibby

Blow minds! Look awesome!

Carly

Wasn't it expensive?

Gibby

Oh yeah!

Sam

Where'd you get the money?

Gibby

From that diaper commercial I did.

Carly

Oh yeah.

Gibby

Are your feet in milk?

Spencer

Yep.

Gibby

[moves a milk carton off the coach and sits down next to Spencer] I love that.

Carly

Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?

Gibby

Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.

Carly

What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!

Gibby

Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. [lifts up his dummy head] That's who we are. [nods both his real and fake head]

Carly

Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.

Gibby

[Sniffs his fake head] Ummm, I love that new head smell.

Nora Dershlit. Trapping the stars of a webshow in your basement, is a serious crime. But since your victims- [stops after noticing Gibby's fake head] What is that?!

Gibby

Oh, haha. This is an exact replica of my head! Is it blowing your mind?

Yes. [gets back on subject] Nora. These nice iCarly kids have forgiven you for what you did. And since your life up to this point has been truly.. pathetic, this court takes pity on you. [clicks his pen and starts writing] Nora Dershlit is hereby granted parole, to be immediately released, to the custody of her parents.

Oh, thank goodness! Yes!

Balif, remove her handcuffs.

Nora

Oh, you guuyyyss! [rushes over and hugs the iCarly gang]

Yayyy... [sarcastically]

Nora

Oh, I dunno what to say! After what I did to you iCarly's on my 16th birthday, you came all the way here today and helped me regain my freedom!

Freddie

Oh, you don't have to thank us.

Carly

We're just happy you're a better person now.

Nora

Oh I am, I know I am!

Come on Nora. We have a surprise Norwegian supper waiting for you back at home.

Nora

Wow, really!

Yes, baby.

And, we invited all your classmates from school.

Nora

[gasps] And they're all coming?!

No.

None of them are.

Nora

Oh, well, Carly, Sam, Freddie, Gibby, Gibby's head, would you all, please, come?

Nora

Well, that's ok. I guess it will just be me, my mom and my dad.

Sorry, I can't make it, baby.

Nora

Why not?

I wanna go camping, alone, tonight. [kisses her forehead]

Nora

Oh, I guess it will just be supper for the two of us then. [looks at the iCarly's really upset before heading home]

Carly

Uh, okaayy, we'll come to your Norwegian supper.

Nora

You will?! All of you will?

Yeahhh...

Nora

Oh, yay! Yay for days! Haha!

Hey, uh, has anybody here seen my taser?

Carly

Sam.

Freddie

Sam.

Sam

Oh! Is this your taser? [gets out the taser from her bag and gives it back]