Sam Puckett quotes from iCarly

Freddie

I love you.

Sam

I love you too.

Freddie

[takes phone from pocket] It's only 10:30.

Sam

Wanna break up at midnight?

Freddie

[puts phone back] That works.

Sam

[smiles] Okay.

Spencer

I'm not all about goofy antics and spontaneous fires.

Sam

But ... mostly, you are?

Spencer

Well, yeah.

Carly

So, I have to learn about boring Russian films and how to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Sam

He speaks Chinese?

Carly

Fluently, and all I know is [in Mandarin Chinese] Wo bu zhi dao!

Freddie

What's that mean?

Carly

I don't know.

Sam

How could you not know what it means?

Carly

I do know. It means. "I don't know."

Carly

[taping cheat notes to various places] He's gonna be here any minute! You know, you could help me!

Sam

[polishing her big fork] I gotta keep my fork shiny and lubed in case a meal breaks out!

Carly

Hey! Hey! Keep your giant fork out of my date-bread.

Sam

The big fork wants what the big fork wants.

Carly

That's my brother Clams.

Sam

Nice to meet ya there, Clams!

Spencer

Owww! Squirrreeeelll!!! [sling-shots Sam in the face]

Sam

D'ah!

Carly

Sam! Sam!

Sam

Too late! I already put my tongue in the pudding cup. [puts her tongue back into the pudding cup]

Carly

I don't care about the pudding cup.

Freddie

I did!

Carly

We all have to go to Olympia next week for Nora's parole hearing.

Sam

For why?

Carly

For wh-? For to make sure that they keep that crazy girl in prison!

Sam

Maybe they should let her go?

Carly

What?! Why?!

Sam

Look, I've been to prison. It's not fun in there.

Freddie

Yeah, and maybe when Nora trapped us she was like, depressed or something?

Carly

Yeah, well, I was bummed when I didn't get asked to junior prom, but did I lure the cast of 'Full House' into my basement and torture Uncle Jessie!

T-Bo

Man, I'm so dang sick of this!

Carly

What are you doing?

T-Bo

Putting on a suit so I can go home.

Spencer

Dude, you don't have to keep pretending to be Mr. Perfect for Freddie's mom.

Freddie

Yeah, he does!

T-Bo

See!

Freddie

If my mom sees how T-Bo really is, she's never gonna let him stay in our house! [turns to face T-Bo who looks offended] No offence.

T-Bo

Oh I'm not offended. I feel all warm inside knowing that your mom would be disgusted if she knew the real me.

Freddie

It's not that it's... yeah it's that.

T-Bo

Haha. [sarcastically] That's nice, let's all just pretend that T-Bo doesn't have feelings. [walks out of the Shay apartment]

Gibby

Hey Teebs, wanna see what I got?

T-Bo

Not really!

Gibby

Gibbaaaayyy!

Freddie

Hellooooo.

Sam

Gibaloni.

Carly

Where've you been?

Gibby

The mall! With my head up inside something for almost two hours!

Sam

Please say it was a horse.

Gibby

Uh, nope. Haha. But it was inside this really cool machine, that made... this! [gets out a fake version of his own head]

Sam

Oh my god!

Spencer

No!

Carly

Woah!

Gibby

It's an exact replica of my own head!

Sam

What does it do?

Gibby

Blow minds! Look awesome!

Carly

Wasn't it expensive?

Gibby

Oh yeah!

Sam

Where'd you get the money?

Gibby

From that diaper commercial I did.

Carly

Oh yeah.

Gibby

Are your feet in milk?

Spencer

Yep.

Gibby

[moves a milk carton off the coach and sits down next to Spencer] I love that.

Carly

Hey, did you see the email we got about freaky Nora?

Gibby

Yeah, it's nice that they're letting her out.

Carly

What?! K, what is the matter with everyone?! That girl kidnapped us and beat the fudge out of you!

Gibby

Look, I'm forgiving, and I like chinese food. That's who I am. [lifts up his dummy head] That's who we are. [nods both his real and fake head]

Carly

Well sorry, but we're all going to that parole hearing, and we're all gonna tell the judge that Nora needs to be kept in prison.

Gibby

[Sniffs his fake head] Ummm, I love that new head smell.

Alright; Nora Dershlit, you may speak on your own behalf.

Nora

Thank you judge Moyle. [sits down] The word 'sorry' doesn't even begin to express how terrible I feel for.. for what I did to the iCarly's. People who I only wanted to respect me, [Gibby begins to get out his fake head but Sam then makes him put it away] to like me, and to accept me as a person and a chicken lover. I'm not worthy of freedom, I deserve to rot in my cell. It's, not a joyful life but, not much worse than the life I used to have. At least now I'm surrounded by other prisoners so, in a way, I finally have friends. Oh, I'm sorry, mom and dad!

The victims will now have a chance to speak.

Carly

Thank you Judge. [turns to Nora] Look Nora. What you did was- [Nora's mother interrupts with her crying] Without.. without consequences- [Nora interrupts with a guilty noise] A person never learns- [Nora interrupts once again with a gulity noise] Oh, just let her go, let her go! [Hugs Sam and starts crying]

Sam

Shhh, it's ok, shut up, shut up. [tries to comfort Carly]

Gibby

[Get's his head out once again and shoves it in a lady's face] Wanna smell my head?

Nora Dershlit. Trapping the stars of a webshow in your basement, is a serious crime. But since your victims- [stops after noticing Gibby's fake head] What is that?!

Gibby

Oh, haha. This is an exact replica of my head! Is it blowing your mind?

Yes. [gets back on subject] Nora. These nice iCarly kids have forgiven you for what you did. And since your life up to this point has been truly.. pathetic, this court takes pity on you. [clicks his pen and starts writing] Nora Dershlit is hereby granted parole, to be immediately released, to the custody of her parents.

Oh, thank goodness! Yes!

Balif, remove her handcuffs.

Nora

Oh, you guuyyyss! [rushes over and hugs the iCarly gang]

Yayyy... [sarcastically]

Nora

Oh, I dunno what to say! After what I did to you iCarly's on my 16th birthday, you came all the way here today and helped me regain my freedom!

Freddie

Oh, you don't have to thank us.

Carly

We're just happy you're a better person now.

Nora

Oh I am, I know I am!

Come on Nora. We have a surprise Norwegian supper waiting for you back at home.

Nora

Wow, really!

Yes, baby.

And, we invited all your classmates from school.

Nora

[gasps] And they're all coming?!

No.

None of them are.

Nora

Oh, well, Carly, Sam, Freddie, Gibby, Gibby's head, would you all, please, come?

Nora

Well, that's ok. I guess it will just be me, my mom and my dad.

Sorry, I can't make it, baby.

Nora

Why not?

I wanna go camping, alone, tonight. [kisses her forehead]

Nora

Oh, I guess it will just be supper for the two of us then. [looks at the iCarly's really upset before heading home]

Carly

Uh, okaayy, we'll come to your Norwegian supper.

Nora

You will?! All of you will?

Yeahhh...

Nora

Oh, yay! Yay for days! Haha!

Hey, uh, has anybody here seen my taser?

Carly

Sam.

Freddie

Sam.

Sam

Oh! Is this your taser? [gets out the taser from her bag and gives it back]

Nora

Oh, I'm home! This is where I belong, back in the bosom of my youth!

Gibby

[laughing with Freddie] Ha, Bosom.

Freddie

I know. [giggle with Gibby]

Nora

Maurice! Oh, Maurice, I missed you so much! Give me some beak! [kisses Maurice]

Carly

This place brings back the memories, huh?

Sam

Yep. Hey, Nora, remember when your clown had an aneurism, or should I say, clownurism?

Nora

Yes, poor Cramps!

Ok, kids, we don't need to talk about that terrible day! Not when we have this beautiful buffet of Norwegian foods. [brings everyone round the table of food, and takes of the foil from the food]

Freddie

Yeahh, what exactly are, 'Norwegian Foods'?

Well, we have lutefisk.

Sam

Lutefisk?

Nora

It's dry cod fish soaked in lie solution for several days.

Gibby

That's nauseating.

Nora

Nauseatingly delicious!

And then we have warm tongue with flan.

Nora

Oooo! And about desert?

Nora

[gasps] Beef cookies and cream! [gasps again]

Sam

Ok, [picks up a lutefisk] even I can't eat this chiz! [and throws it back down again disgusted]

Freddie

Hey, there's no way we're gonna make the last train back to Seattle.

Carly

I'll just text Spencer and tell him to come pick us up. [gets out her phone and texts Spencer] "Hey, pick us up from Nora's at about 9 o'clock-"

Nora

Try this monkfish liver! [shoves a plate of Norwegian food in Sam and Carly's faces]

Carly

"..Or sooner."

Spencer

Arrggghhhhh!!

Carly

[walks up to the TV] Spencer! Spencer!!

Nora

Oh, silly Carly, he can't hear you.

Sam

He's in the basement!

Freddie

Would you stop that wheel?!

Nora

Oh, I'd be glad to. [stops the wheel]

Spencer

Arggghhhhh..... Oh, great, it's stopped spinning.. now I can puke.

Nora

No need to watch that. [turns off the TV]

Gibby

Don't turn it off, it was just getting good!

Carly

Nora... you're a nutcase!

Nora

[stands up on the couch] The proper term is disturbed, lonely, socio-path.

Sam

Look, dude, we're the ones who got you out of jail!

Nora

True.. but first, you tainted the memory of my 16th birthday party! So now, we're going to undo the taint. Mother, please fetch our party guests!

[while doing weird and uncool hand gestures] BRB!

Carly

You're the one who ruined the memory of your own birthday party!

Freddie

Everything would’ve been cool if you'd just let us go home afterwards!

Sam

Instead of you and your stupid chicken locking us in your basement!

Nora

You will never, besmirch the name of my chicken. You apologize to Maurice right now!

Sam

Ah, sniff it Nora.

Nora

I will not, sniff it! But I will give Carly's brother, the spins.

Spencer

Oh no, It's turning again, what's.. happening!?

Carly

Just apologize to the chicken!

Sam

Urghh. [walks over and bends down to Maurice] I'm sorry that I bespired your name by calling you stupid. And that I've eaten thousands of your relatives.

Nora

Thank you, Sam. Now let's all wear party hats, there's some right over there!

Carly

We're not wearing party hats.

Nora

Put on the hats!

Gibby

Wait a second.

Gibby

Why are you guys staring at me?

Freddie

You said, "Wait a second."

Gibby

Oh, yeah! Uh, there's 4 of us and 1 of Nora, so let's just take the remote away from her.

Nora

Ooooh, bad idea. See if any iCarly's make a sudden move, I hit this special red button, and Spencer spins at top speed until his brain turns to goo.

Carly

Goo?!

Nora

Yes, goo! Haha! And you won't be able to stop it.

Gibby

Huuhhhh. She's really thought this through.

Nora

Yes, prison gives you lots of time to think, and to plan, and to not shower.

Carly

Ok, what are we gonna do?!

Sam

[starts walking towards her bag] I'll tell you what we're gonna do. As soon as those two freaks walk back in here... [gets out and starts swinging the butter sock]

Carly

No, no butter sock.

Sam

C'mon, man!

Freddie

You can't attack them as long as Spencer's on that wheel in the basement or else Nora's just gonna spin him again.

Carly

And anyway that butter sock is gross!

Sam

I change the butter once a month!

Carly

Do you really?

Sam

No.

Freddie

Man, there is no way to get this window open.

Gibby

Hey, I know how Santa Claus would get out of here.

Carly

Oh, the chimney!

Sam

Right, that's the one!

Gibby

No. [strokes the dummy's hair] On a reindeer.

Freddie

[Annoyed] Gibby!

Sam

You idiot.

Carly

We thought you meant climbing up the chimney.

Gibby

That could also work.

Sam

Urgh, just stuff yourself up there and go for help!

Gibby

Kay kay.

Carly

Wa, wa, wa, wait! The Dershilts will notice he's gone!

Freddie

No. 'Cause Gibby's gonna be taking a nap [Pulls out Gibby's fake head] on the couch.

Nora

[finally lets Freddie go] Yeah! [gives Freddie a thumbs up]

Freddie

[out of breath, he turns to Sam and Carly, looking shocked and confused.] You guys just stood there, eating cake, while I was tampered with?!

Sam

It's really good cake.

Freddie

You made a hamburger?

Sam

Your mom's got this!

Carly

Will you stop spinning my brother?!

Nora

No!

Carly

Why?! I sang you Happy Birthday like you wanted!

Nora

You were pitchy!

Carly

[gasps] Well.

Sam

Run, Gibby!!

Nora

Gibby?!

He's still in the house!

Check all the bedrooms.

Carly

You saw Gibby?!

Sam

No, I threw a glass thing in there to buy us some time.

Freddie

Time for what?!

Sam

To figure out a way to get us out of this 'nut-hut'! [hits Freddie continuously while saying it]

Freddie

Ow!

Carly

Why hasn't your freakish mother come looking for us by now?

Freddie

She thinks we're at the hotel with Spencer so why would she-? [Quickly remembers something and grabs the back of his head] The chip!

Sam

What chip?

Freddie

[turns to Sam] The one my mom had surgically installed in my head when I was a toddler.

Freddie

If it stops transmitting, it triggers an emergency signal to my mom's tracking device and tells her my location!

Sam

Oh, cool, then how do we make it stop transmitting!

Carly

Yeah, where's the off switch?

Freddie

I dunno, it's in my head!

Sam

[Smacks Freddie on the head and screams into his ear] Mrs Benson, help us!!

Carly

Shhh! Do you want the Dershilts to hear you?!

Freddie

Smacking me on the head isn't gonna make the chip stop working!

Carly

Then what will make it stop working?!

Sam

And trigger the emergency signal!

Freddie

I guess it would have to be electrically shorted out somehow.

Sam

Ohh!! [rushes over to the chair and searches quickly through her jacket] The shock pen!

Freddie

[worried] Oh, the shock pen?

Carly

Is that Spencer's?

Sam

Yeah I stole it, see?

Freddie

Why'd you steal his shock pen?

Sam

'Cause I like it, and I didn't have one!

Nora

Where's, Gibby?

Carly

Just don't look in you parent's shower!

Nora

Mother, mother! Gibby may be showering! [runs off to find Gibby again]

Sam

Ok Benson, I hope this thing is powerful enough to blow that chip-

Freddie

No no no no, let Carly do it.

Sam

Why?

Freddie

'Cause Carly cares about me. A least she'll try to be gentle. She won't just take the thing and stick it-

Sam

Here, gimme that?

Carly

What are you doing?

Sam

Just to be sure. [places the pen on Freddie's head once more]