Sam Puckett quotes from iCarly

Carly

MY ROOM'S ON FIRE!

Spencer

WHAT?

Sam

Fire?

Carly

Oh my god... my room.

Sam

Wow.

Spencer

Well... It could be worse.

No, It couldn't. I'm Chief Donker. Seattle Fire Department.

Spencer

(holds out his hand) Spencer Shay.

Yeah. We know who you are.

Sam

Hey, come here, kid. (Carly breaks down into tears and she and Sam hug each other after her room got destroyed) It's okay, Carls. If you want, you can stay with me and my mom. (Carly keeps crying louder and harder)

Freddie

Do you guys know how the fire started?

Oh, yes. (he holds up the gummy bear lamp) This bedside table lamp started the fire.

Carly

But I don't have a table lamp.

Sam

Look... Spencer wanted to make you a special present for your birthday...

Freddie

So... He made you a gummy bear lamp...

Spencer

(depressed) Carly, I'm... Hey, I bet what that goat did to you last year doesn't seem so bad anymore. (Carly cries again and hugs Sam again)

(to Freddie and confused) ...What did the goat do?

Freddie

You got your room back.

Gibby

Except for all your old photos and other personal items that can never be replaced.

GIBBY!!

Carly

(to Spencer) Who has the best big brother ever?

Spencer

You... (they hug, then face the others)

Gibby

Man. Is there anything money can't do?

Carly

[as a knock on the door is heard] Come in.

Sam

[shocked] Mom?!

Sam

[to Spencer] Dude, if I didn't have a little crush on you, you'd be falling for my baseball bat to your face bit!

Carly

Little crush?

Sam

Did he sign the contract or not?!

Carly

How long did the doctor say you have to wear that cast?

Gibby

6 weeks.

Sam

Well, it's your own fault. You jumped off that pipe for nothin'.

Gibby

You said my cue was Gibby and I heard Gibby.

Sam

Yeah, but you didn't hear the cue!

Freddie

Guys-okay, yes, the cue was Gibby. [the 4 start yelling at each other quickly]

T-Bo

You guys? [they continue yelling] YOU GUYS!

Freddie

[very angry] WHAT, T-BO?!

T-Bo

You guys gotta do something about Spencer, the boy's gone too far.

Carly

What did he do now?

T-Bo

He gave me the fancy face cream from Europe. It says "It make your face all smooth.".

Carly

Yeah?

T-Bo

Well, my face is already smooth. So I gave it to my friend Lucas here. His face has dry patches.

Sam

And?

T-Bo

Kevin, kill the lights! [Kevin turns the lights off as Lucas's face glows in the dark]

Sam

Whoa! [the 4 are shocked]

T-Bo

Turn 'em back on! [Kevin turns the lights back on as Lucas's glow face goes off] Glow in the dark face cream?! What kinda sick man thinks that's funny?!

Carly

[sighs] I'm sorry!

T-Bo

Tell that to Lucas! Now he can't go see a movie! You all better do something about Spencer.

Lucas

Mm-hmm.

Carly

No one wants to kill a live chicken and then barbecue it!

Sam

You don't know everything.

Carly

Give me the mic. (takes the mic)

Sam

Go get em', kid:

(to the people quarreling with each other) Stop fighting! You don't need to do this! Have you no sense of decency?!?

Carly

(is playing with a Rubik's cube and completes one side, then turns to Sam) Look! I got one side done.

Sam

Nice.

Freddie

Will you take your head out of your Fatshake and listen to me?! [grabs fatshake and slams it on table]

I remember it. It was the first day of seventh grade and my dad told me 'Cort: you gotta learn how to tie your own shoes. It's important.' Now I can tie my own shoes without even thinking about it!

Aww.

Carly

That is such an interesting story !

Sam

You are sooo good looking.

Carly

[laughs] I was about to say that.

Sam

Hey! Can I come in?! Freddie get off that computer! Have you guys seen this?! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!!!

Freddie

No wait, just give me about 20- [Sam pushes Freddie off the chair] GOING DOWN!!! [falls to the floor before getting up] Aw, man! It was rendering!

Carly

[to Sam] What is up?

Sam

Nevel!

Spencer

Papperman?

Sam

[sarcastically] No, Nevel van Houterschmousen.

Spencer

[idiotically] The pianist?!

Freddie

There's only one Nevel.

Carly

And he's not a pianist.

Nevel

Must you eat your pudding so loudly?

Carly

Okay, Nevel, why are you here?

Sam

Yeah, why?

Freddie

You hate us.

Nevel

I don't hate anyone anymore except myself. Until I saw that video of me shouting at that little girl, I didn't realize what a terrible, awful person I really am.

Gibby

This pudding rocks.

Freddie

Look, I know it's scary for you to put your feelings out there, 'cuz you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know what might happen if you don't-

Freddie

I...

Sam

S-sorry.

Freddie

...It's cool.

Carly

Okay, we're going to move on to our next segment here on iCarly!

Sam

Which involves the brain of our disturbed friend, Gibby!

Carly

Yes! We all know that Gibby's head is full of wrong-ness...

Sam

And to demonstrate that again, let's take a look at- [huge moving cactus walks towards Carly and Sam growling]. Uh oh... it's the cactus' big brother!

[holds onto each other and screams]

[from Los Angeles watching the web show with Steven laughing] Oh my God, how funny is this? Aren't they hilarious?

Yeah, it's funny... [pretending not to know what it is] What's it called?

iCarly. [confused] You've never heard of it?

Uh... no... why?

Cause' you live in Seattle half the time, and that's where these girls do it from.

Carly

[from laptop with Sam] Go on now!

Sam

[at the cactus' big brother] Go!

Carly

[at the cactus' big brother] Walk out the door!

Sam

Just turn around now!

Carly

You're not welcome anymore!

[laughing with Steven laughing nervously]

Sam

And now,

Carly

A disturbing voyage into the depths of the ever puzzling Gibbish brain...

[laughing] That girl Carly's really pretty don't you think?

Sure... just uh, not my type... anyway... uh, you know, we've been going out for over 3 months.

I do... we're coming up on our 100 day kiss.

Sneak preview?

Show me the trailer. [kisses Steven]

Carly

Excuse me, is Sam Puckett in this-

Carly

Sam!

Sam

Hello Carly. What do you want.

Carly

To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?

Sam

Finger painting. [shows Carly her painting of a hand with the thumb and first finger raised] What do you think?

Carly

It's a beautiful finger.

Sam

Thanks.

Carly

Now who put you in here?!

Sam

[sighs and puts her painting out of the way] I put myself in here.

Carly

What?! Why?!

Sam

Because my head's jacked! I'm bonkers! [mutters and moves closer to Carly] Do you know?

Carly

What? That you kissed Freddie?

Sam

Urgh! [steps back and puts her hand over her ears] Shut up!

Carly

I think it's awesome! I think it's great!

Sam

Noooo, no no no no no no no no no... [carries on shouting 'no' whilst Carly is speaking]

Carly

There's nothing wrong with it.. Sam, stop it!

Sam

Accept it Carls, I've lost my mind.

Carly

What? You think just cause you like Freddie-

Sam

Urghh, don't say it outloud! [throws herself on her bed]

Carly

It's alright to say it outloud.

Sam

[puts her pillow over her head] No it's not!

Carly

Sam loves Freddie!!

Sam

Carly!

Carly

Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie!

Sam

Quit it.. Carly!

Carly

Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves Freddie! Sam loves-! [Sam catches her and covers her mouth]

Freddie

There you guys are.

Sam

You get out!

Sam

Licking my hand won't make me let go.

Freddie

Sam c'mon, just... [Freddie helps Carly free]

Carly

Ewww! Why's your hand taste like peanuts and mud?

Sam

Cause yesterday I was outside playing in the mud eating peanuts.

Carly

I'm gonna leave this room, go wash my tongue, and you too, talk.

Carly

I don't hear talking!

Sam

Why'd you come here?

Freddie

To find out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital.

Sam

You wanna know why?

Freddie

Kinda!

Sam

Because I hate you.

Freddie

Then why'd you kiss me?

Sam

Because I-! ...I like you.

Freddie

So you hate me, and you like me?

Sam

Now you see why I need to be in here?!