[while "repairing" a cuckoo clock, Barney tells Ted something about Jeannette]
Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye before you get stab-stabbed.
S8 E16Bad Crazy
[In 2030, Robin makes the final confession to Lily over who carried Baby Marvin in 2013]
You waited 17 years to tell me you met the greatest boxer of all time? My child was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?!?!
S8 E17The Ashtray
[Ted asks Barney why he always inserts himself into any historical situations]
Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually, you all have a passion that drives you! Well, I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore.
[Marshall is fuming at Lily for stealing The Captain's ashtray]
You're gonna return that ashtray and you gonna pray he doesn't press charges because I can't be in a marriage while one of us is in prison! I know that we roleplay conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.
I'm sorry, all rulings are final. I am not taking it back.
Oh my God. Lily, what is the big deal? Yeah so what, someone said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?
[tears] Because he was right, I am just a kindergarten teacher and yes, I have a degree in art history and I was meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.
Lily, it's okay.
It's just too late...
[calms her down] Nonono, it's not too late. It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna, you're gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'mma punch her in the face. Yeah, I'mma punch a girl. Run away. I promise you. Your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.
I love you so much for saying that, but there get's to be a point in life where that it just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. [sees ashtray] I'll return it first thing in the morning.
S8 E18Weekend at Barney's
[Barney tries to explain to Robin why the Playbook still exists]
You really think this is just about a book Barney? You lied to me, and if we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me. Ever.
Really, well that's just great, because in case you haven't noticed, these last eight years, lying is what I do best. [Begins pulling out various magic tricks] I'm a magician, Robin. Misdirection and deceit are my stock and trade. You don't want me to lie to you? Lies are the reason that we're together. Every single thing I did to you to get you to say "Yes" to me on that rooftop - Patrice, the false engagement, everything - it was all utter malarkey, but underneath ... all of those lies is one true thing - one true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world and that's the fact that I love you, and you know that when I say that, I'm not lying.
[Ted is back with Jeannette]
Jeannette, this is great. We're back together, you're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. Call me crazy, but I got a feeling that from hereon out it will be blue skies and -
JJeannette
What THE HELL... [shows Playbook] IS THIS?!?!?!
S8 E19The Fortress
[The Captain tips off Lily about another artwork]
Where is it?
Riker's Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.
[Robin confesses to Barney what she did to the couple who wanted to buy the apartment]
You turned them down?
Yeah, if I ask you to change too many things about yourself, you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. Turns out I accept and appreciate even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you.
Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. [kisses Robin]
S8 E20The Time Travelers
[Marshall is bitter because a drink he conceptualized at MacLaren's is named after Robin]
It's my usual!
Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.
Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.
So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!
No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.
You're killing me, Lily!!! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.
I think I'm gonna head home.
I understand
What, you're not gonna try and stop me?
Barney And how would I try and to stop you?
I don't know , by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it you gotta seize it while you can before that moment's gone?
Barney Ted, this moment already is gone. The whole Minnesota Tidal Wawe thing happened five years ago. Its just a memory and the rest of this never happened. Right now, Marshall and Lily are upstairs, trying to get marvin to go back to sleep. Robin and I are trying to decide on a caterer. And you've been sitting here all night, staring at a single ticket to Robots vs. Wrestlers because the rest of us couldn't come out. Look around, Ted. You're all alone.
FTFuture Ted
Kids, it's been almost 20 years since that cold April night in 2013, and I could safely tell you, if I could go back in time, and relive that night, there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers. No, I'd go home. I'd go to my old apartment, see all my old furniture and stuff. I'd see my old drafting table, where I sketched out my first building. I'd sit on that old couch, and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below. I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place, back in that old living room where where so many things happened. I'd see the baby. I don't know if you can picture me holding your six foot seven cousin Marvin over my head, but back then I could. I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer, or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first.
[Imaginary past Ted runs from MacLaren's through the streets of New York, until he reaches his future wife's apartment. He knocks on the door, and she opens]
Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and are gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married and we're gonna have two kids. We're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away, but I'm here now I guess because ... I want this extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them - and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because ... I love you. I'm always gonna love you to the end of my days, and beyond. You'll see.
S8 E21Romeward Bound
[Barney is miffed because Ted tried to advise him about Robin's being cool about him looking at other women]
Oh I see - and you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do? You know what she appreciates better than her own fiance.
I'm just saying if I was getting married in three weeks -
But you're not getting married in three weeks Ted, I am. Robin's marrying me, not you.
You're right, not my place. Why don't I get the next round.
[Marshall tries to convince Lily of accepting the Captain's assignment for her in Rome and she calls him on her speaking only one Italian sentence]
[subtitles while repeating Italian sentence] Come on, maybe the only sentence I know is "come on bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns," but I know in my heart that you understand me anyway. Because no one I know has better understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is this trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not, but I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.
I love you. [kisses Marshall] So, we're going to Italy!
Si! You may not know this yet, but I've already done some shopping.
S8 E22The Bro Mitzvah
[ Ralph Macchio enters Barney's apartment.]
RMRalph Macchio
Hey Barney, it's Ralph. Listen, it's my pleasure to-
NOO!! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is NOT the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai dojo, whom this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head kick, in the most hauntingly tragic film ending of all time.
RMRalph Macchio
[To Lily] Oh, I thought you meant "fun" crazy.
[Robin has confronted Barney on bailing over dinner with his mom]
I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mugshot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.
[approaches Barney] So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.
What the hell is she doing here?
Robin I swear, nothing happened.
RMRalph Macchio
That means it's just hand stuff.
[tries to break up Robin and Quinn] Stop, stop, stop!
Sorry. Barney, this is unforgivable. [takes off and throws ring back at him] It's over. [leaves]
[picks up ring] You know, I never got to do that. [throws ring at him and leaves]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.