TV show quotes
[The Mother laments her failure to stand up to Darren and lead her band again]
There are real villains in this world, but they don’t always get real justice, do they? You wanna believe karma is gonna get ‘em, but karma doesn’t always come through. I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life you just don’t get that knock-out punch.
[Barney's unnerved that Marshall's left hand went too close to his face]
Itch! If you're really nervous, don’t think of it as a slap. Think of it as a high five... for your stupid face. [Barney cries again]
[Barney braces for Marshall's Slap of a Million Exploding Suns, and Robin is afraid.]
I love you.
Enough to take this slap for me?
[sadly] No. [goes behind Marshall]
[Robin and Ted interrogate a truth-serum-drunk Barney over his real job and when Barney explains everything...]
Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a business man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I knew I could learn everything.
Do we know each other, bro?
We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... (clears throat) No. We don't. Bro.
Wow, you went to M.I.T. Pretty impressive.
I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. Advanced Card Tricks.
Well, look, buddy. You got a sweet résumé. But we don't have any openings you're qualified for.
They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!
We have one opening you'd be perfect for.
Great. What do I do?
Please. "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. Deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.
I'll take it.
Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?
No.
[laughs] You're hired. We'll work on that.
Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy legally-binding documents that could implicate you for god-knows-what?
Best job ever, right?
[Lily and Marshall finally hit Unpause over Italy and Marshall's judgeship but Marshall tries to Pause]
No Pause, that hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.
But it's my dream-
We are going to Italy!!
Baby, could you just-
We are going to Italy!! Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me!! You were more selfish than I've ever been to you!
[edgier voice] You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.
Why are you bringing up San Francisco? That was seven years ago!
Because you are being selfish all over again.
Marshall, I apologized over and over again. Now you're saying you've never forgiven me? There is nothing more important to me than our family, you know that!
Well let me ask, what if you had found success in San Francisco? How do I know that you even would've come back to me?
Stop it..
Are Marvin, and I, and any other future children we may have.... just some consolation prize?
[teary-eyed] I have to get out of here. [storms out of room]
[The Mother goes into Cindy's room after seeing someone leave behind her yellow umbrella]
Okay, this is crazy. Do you know where this umbrella came from, because I could've sworn that I... [sees that Cindy has been crying] What's wrong? Are you okay?
We broke up.
Oh well I never liked him and I never thought he deserved you, and... I am sorry I didn't know you were dating someone. Who was this?
He was the architecture professor, the one who taught Econ 305 by accident.
Oh. That guy? Why did you break up?
He's got a thing for you!
[surprised] What?!?! He... what? ... He did.. what? How could he have a thing for me, he's never even met me.
He didn't have to. Everything he saw of yours he went crazy for.
You should have brought him to my room, okay. He would have run screaming once he saw my calligraphy set, my coin collection, my chainmail corset from the Renaissance fair... well that's pretty cool.
Come on. How could he not be in love with you? The way you fall asleep on the couch when you're doing the crossword...
[confused] When did he see me fall asleep on the -
[staring at her intensely] The way your hair smells... The way your eyes sparkle... [She leans in and kisses the Mother on the lips, catching her off guard. Eventually, she pulls back] I think I might have some stuff to figure out.
You might.
[embarrassed] I'm so sorry.
No, uh, it's okay. It was nice... I haven't been kissed in a really long time.
[The Mother steps out for a moment after Louis proposes to her]
Hi Max, it's me. Sorry to interrupt, I know you're probably up there playing baseball with your Dad. Um look, I've got a situation here. I think that I've been holding myself back from falling in love again and I think it's because I can't let you go but [nearly breaks down] you're not here anymore, so... I have to ask this. Would it be okay if I moved on? I realize that you have no way of answering that, but [feels sudden gust of wind] okay. I'll take that as a yes. In that case, I should get back in there. [moves to door, but] I guess this is it. For real this time... Bye, Max.
[Ted admits that he broke up with Victoria because of Robin, who wants to know the truth]
I'm not gonna answer the question, because you know the answer. You want to talk about my Top Five? There's no Top Five, Robin, there's just a Top One - and it's you. And the only reason I'm saying it is, 'cuz I know it's not gonna change anything. You and Barney are getting married today. If I have to hold the shotgun myself, it's happening.
I thought you don't like guns.
I'm the best man. I swore on the Bro Code. I don't want to go to Bro Hell.
Bro Hell sounds bad.
I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.
But... What about when we get back from our honeymoon? What about our first night out at the bar, what then? Is it gonna be weird?
No.
How can you be so sure?
Because I'm not gonna be there. I'm moving to Chicago.
[Barney counsels Justin and Kyle on The Game]
A few final thoughts. Don't get married 'til you're 30. Play laser tag at least once a week. Give as many high-fives as you're gonna get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets but very hard to care for - not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck, boys. [gives them napkins detailing pages of the Playbook] Take care of the Game for me. [leaves]
[Marshall and Lily help Marvin settle on his first day of college at Wesleyan in 2030]
My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?
Yes, Mom! [shushes]
Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls - from binge studying. [to Lily] Saved it.
That reminds me mister, no underage drinking. No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
But every story from your 20s starts in a bar.
[stern] Listen to your mother.
[Having tried to rouse Barney, Lily asks for the secret ingredient to his special hangover elixir, but...]
[groggy] The secret ingredient... is nothing.
Robin, Lily, Marshall, and Ted: Huh?!
I ate too much bacon.
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie... That's the secret. [collapses]
[Lily just turned off the TV as Robin is watching The Wedding Bride Too]
Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?
Oh oh, is this your wedding day? I'm sorry! Couldn't tell, because you're acting like its any other Sunday morning, and it's not!
Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride, you just give up, that's not me.
Fine, maybe we should just act like this wedding's no big deal, and you know what? I don't feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.
Great, it's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?
[shows Barney another suit in a different room] SAY YES TO THIS SUIT!!!
[crying] I can't. I can't! [Ted throws suit on to the floor]
[Ted has just narrated to The Mother how Robin's mother made it to Farhampton]
And that's the story, right down to the surprise ending.
Is that really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Yeah, of course she showed up. What mother wouldn't want to be at her daughter's wedding? [Ted offers no answer. When she looks up from her coffee, she sees that he has started to weep as a result of her comment] Oh, hey. No. Come on.
[sniffles] It's okay. I'm fine. I'm okay.
[Marshall talks to Lily after discovering her positive pregnancy test]
Lily... you're gonna have a baby?
[pause, teary-eyed] I told you guys I could keep a secret. [embraces Marshall]
Uh Barney, this is my mom.
Hi!
Hello - [shakes Barney's hand but startled at embrace] Oh! He's a hugger. Nothing like your dad.
[to Marshall] I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight -
No, oh my God no that's fine. There’s so much we have to do. We have to do research on, uh, hospitals in Italy. We have to -
We’re not going to Italy.
Of course we are. Lily, we have to do this. You’re going to live in Rome. And you’re going to get your dream, 'cause you’re giving me mine — again.
But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork - and if she's born outside of the US, she could never become President!
[startled] It's a girl?
Oh I don't know, but in my mind, I kinda think she is!
I love you so much. [embraces Lily]
[Robin's mother tries to comfort her daughter]
Oh darling, you're going to be fine. You know for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad, there's a marriage like [points to Marshall and Lily inside the bride's room] those two in there. Marriage is terrifying. It's like flying, you know - you're filled with a mortal dread, but if you find someone you feel safe with, it's like, flying! But if you got someone that is really there for you, someone you can depend on, you're gonna be fine. Do you have someone like that?
[contemplates] I do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
