How I Met Your Mother quotes

Barney

Marshall, great news - I'm not a father.

Marshall

Congratulations, buddy. [Shakes Barney's hand]

Barney

I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!

Marshall

Wow, you're creating a holiday.

Barney

Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?

Marshall

Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day.

Robin

Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.

Woooo!

I cry in the shower!

Woooo!

I've never been on a second date!

Woooo!

What if I never get to be a mother?!

Woooo!

I'm secretly in love with Jillian!

Ted

Woooo!

My career and love life are heading nowhere!

Ted

Woooo!

Now only my love life's a disaster!

If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Ted

He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.

Barney

All these years, I have been busting my hump with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I'm like Batman. But this Mitch fellow? He's Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.

Robin

[explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.

Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, but i know that's pointless. So I'll leave you with these: don't ever get into a fight with uncle Marshall. That guy's freaking crazy.

Barney

[on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...

Robin

[Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?

Marshall

That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!

[overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?

Marshall

Yeah.

Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

Robin

You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.

Ted

Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.

Barney

So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."

Ted

Every international conflict?

Barney

Every single one, dude.

Ted

So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...

Barney

Gaza Strippers! Next...

Ted

Apartheid.

Barney

Apart thighs! What else you got?

Ted

Cold War.

Barney

[brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!

Barney

Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I'm in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?

Robin

I'm, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you're, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.

Barney

Really? That's aws... ful.

Robin

Awfsful?

Barney

Yeah, it's just awfsful. What happened?

Robin

Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because “someone's gonna get hurt.” Think we all know who he meant by that.

Barney

Do we?

Robin

Isn't it obvious?

Barney

Is it?

Robin

Yeah. It's Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like...

Barney

I love you.

Robin

Exactly. He's not like you, you know? Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?

Barney

A taco?

Robin

You love them, remember?

Barney

Right.

Robin

Come on, I'm hungry.

Ted

(voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt... it just wasn't one of us.

Lily

Fort Lager Dale, get it?

Marshall

Minne Cider, get it?

Lily

Aspen Yards Ale, get it?

Marshall

Actually, no.

Lily

Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Barney

If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.

Barney

Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.

Ted

[mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?

Barney

Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.

Ted

So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?

Barney

Oh, it's just me.

Ted

Then what's the point, then?

Barney

The point is to get five in a row.

Ted

And what do you get when you get five in a row?

Barney

I get Bingo.